It’s understandable to feel hurt and confused when your child isn’t being fully honest with you. Based on the experiences of trans young adults, this dishonesty often stems from a need for self-protection rather than a desire to deceive. Here are some key insights into why this happens and how you can begin to rebuild trust:

Lying as a Form of Self-Preservation
Many trans youth lie to avoid conflict, rejection, or even violence. As one person shared, "I know I did the right thing but it feels so wrong to lie about my identity. I’m afraid the lines will blur and I will lose myself and my identity in these lies" – Substantial-Ad-3437 source. When honesty has led to pain in the past, hiding the truth can feel like the only way to stay safe.

Compartmentalization to Maintain Peace
Some learn to separate their true self from the version their family sees. One individual expressed, "I’ve had to compartmentalize who I am and keep that completely separate from what my parents think they understand" – tiaratwinks source. This emotional division is a coping strategy, not a rejection of their relationship with you.

Conditional Acceptance Breeds Distrust
If support feels inconsistent or manipulative, it reinforces the need for secrecy. As someone noted, parents might say, "You can always ask us if you need anything ever!!!" while also having "ridiculed and threatened me when I came out" – bankershub source. This mixed messaging makes honesty feel risky.

Rebuilding Trust Through Belief and Understanding
The most powerful step you can take is to offer unconditional belief. One person emphasized, "The words, ‘I believe you’ aren’t only effective at retaining a positive relationship with your child, but it’s the absolute best thing you can do" – Rock_or_Rol source. Listening without judgment and affirming their identity can help mend broken trust.

Looking Forward with Hope
Your child’s honesty is deeply tied to feeling safe and accepted. By consistently showing them that you see and respect their true self, you can create an environment where openness replaces fear. Your willingness to understand is the first step toward healing your relationship.