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Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic user.
The comments display a consistent, nuanced, and personal narrative about the user's experience with testosterone, detransition, and the complex emotional and social challenges involved. The advice given is detailed, practical, and reflects the kind of passionate, first-hand knowledge typical of someone who has lived through the experience. The user expresses regret, frustration, and isolation in a way that feels genuine and human.
About me
I was born female and started questioning as a depressed teenager, heavily influenced by online communities. I took testosterone for four years, hoping it would fix my deep unhappiness and dissociation from my body. I eventually realized it was a mistake and stopped, but I'm now left with permanent changes that make me feel stuck in between. My transition was an attempt to escape my mental health issues, which it didn't solve. I'm now trying to accept being female and live my life outside of my comfort zone.
My detransition story
My entire journey with transition and detransition was a long, confusing process that I’m still trying to understand. I was born female and I know that now, but for a long time, I tried everything I could not to be one, which is a complete mindfuck to look back on.
I started questioning my gender as a teenager. I was deeply uncomfortable with my body, especially going through puberty. I hated my breasts and felt a massive disconnect from my own reflection; it never felt like I was looking at myself. I now realize this was a form of dissociation. I was also struggling with severe depression, anxiety, and very low self-esteem. I wasn't planning on living past 20. I spent all my time online and I think I was heavily influenced by what I saw in trans communities, which gave me a framework to interpret all my pain as gender dysphoria.
I decided to transition. I was on testosterone for four years. A big reason I stayed on it for so long was that I was so disconnected from my body—I didn't really look at myself or register my body as me, so I didn't pay much attention to the changes happening. I never felt like my reflection was my own, and transitioning didn't fix that feeling at all. I was also obsessed with the idea of getting top surgery; it was one of my main goals.
I started to realize things weren't right. I’d spend entire days ruminating and doubting my decision to transition. I now think this constant doubting might have been related to OCD, which is something I’d recommend others look into if they’re stuck in that cycle. I eventually "woke up" from that hazy state and realized I didn't like most of the changes from testosterone. I had wanted some effects, like a deeper voice, but not others, like facial hair or thinning hair on my head. Now, the effects I wanted are fading and I'm stuck with the permanent ones I never wanted.
I decided to stop testosterone under my doctor's supervision because I knew I could always go back on it later if I changed my mind, but the effects of T are more permanent. The physical process of stopping was scary, and the first few months were horrible both emotionally and energy-wise, but I eventually started to feel better—actually better than I did while I was on T.
I have a lot of regrets. I really regret rushing to get on testosterone and making transition my entire personality. I have a deep voice, an Adam's apple, and thin hair, but otherwise I look female. I’m stuck in this in-between state where I’m constantly stared at and treated like a freak, which is incredibly isolating. People ask me my pronouns, and it feels like they just want to add me to a collection. I’m ironically going to be seen as some flavor of "trans" forever because of the permanent changes. I chose this as a confused teenager who wasn't in a good place, and now I have to live with the consequences.
My thoughts on gender now are that I know I am female and I don't want to be anything else. I don't think simply starting or stopping transition can fix mental issues or trauma. For me, it was an attempt to escape from myself, my depression, and my dissociation. I’ve benefited from trying to live my life outside of my comfort zone—doing things like talking to people in person, running, or travelling—even though it’s hard and makes me uncomfortably aware of being alive. It’s like exposure therapy for the dissociation.
I never got top surgery, and I'm very glad I didn't. I regret ever wanting it. I feel like a lot of my dysphoria was influenced by how I thought other people saw me, and that’s faded since I’ve been home more and not interacting with people as much.
My advice to anyone questioning is to take physical transition very seriously. It's not something to jump into. Don't feel pressured to have all the answers about gender and labels; you're never going to have an objective right answer. And most importantly, find a good therapist to work through your underlying issues, because transition won't solve them.
Age | Event |
---|---|
16 | Started seriously questioning my gender, influenced by online communities. |
17 | Started testosterone (T) therapy. |
21 | After 4 years on T, began doubting and ruminating on my transition. |
21 | Stopped testosterone under doctor's supervision. |
21 | Began the process of detransition. |
Top Comments by /u/355749wvc:
I'm not a doctor but I'd recommend tapering off of T instead of stopping cold turkey. That's what my doctor told me to do.
Also, you're going to eventually have to tell your doctor you're stopping testosterone, assuming she checks your hormone levels. I get that it's embarrassing, I waited months to tell mine I was considering detransition, but your health is more important. If you really don't want to tell her, maybe you could find a new doctor to monitor your hormone levels as you detransition?
Something to watch out for would be your estrogen levels not increasing, or your period not returning after several months. I'm not sure of the timeframe for this since I just stopped T myself. But if your estrogen doesn't come back after a while, you may need to go on estrogen HRT.
I don't know what the effects would be of going back on T after detransitioning, but I imagine switching hormones back and forth would be stressful on the body. And I don't think simply starting or stopping transition can fix any mental issues or trauma anyone has. Could you try going to therapy for the issues you mentioned in your post, in addition to whatever you choose to do with your hormones?
I did a lot of questioning like this for months... I'd ruminate literally all day over whether I should detransition or not. In the end I decided to stop testosterone (under my doctor's supervision) since it's going to be available in the future if I change my mind, and the effects of testosterone are more permanent than those of estrogen. You may also want to look into OCD, since a common feature of that is doubting - if you already have a therapist, maybe bring that up. Just my thoughts though. And I'm open if you want to talk :)
The physical process of stopping HRT scared me. A list of what to expect to reverse vs the permanent effects of hormones would be good to add, I think. Mentally, knowing I wasn't alone in detransition helped me a lot. Maybe some links to detrans youtubers/etc who'd be fine with being on the spreadsheet?
I'm about to head out so short comment. But what effects do you want from T? From your post I'm getting that you seem really concerned with how people view you and not being embarassing/feeling like that people are lying when they use your name and pronouns, and you didn't actually talk much about what changes from T appeal to you.
things are hard now but eventually I'll get to live my life as a normal man
Don't take this the wrong way - I was on T long enough that I passed to everyone and was stealth - but even at that point I didn't ever feel like a "normal man" because if I'd have to out myself to any potential partners.
I think it's a good idea to see a therapist regardless. It'd be good to get your thoughts out in a supportive environment, without having to tell your parents yet. You don't necessarily have to tell your parents the exact details of why you're going, maybe just say that you've been feeling anxious lately?
Since you said you have supportive parents it sounds like they'd accept you no matter what, but I get it, I haven't told mine yet either.
I've seen plenty of people who got top surgery without ever going on T. It's definitely possible. I'm not going to encourage or discourage it. I will say that originally, I only wanted top surgery, my period gone and a few of the effects from T but not all of them. Now I regret ever going on T, effects I wanted are going away and I'm stuck with stuff I didn't want. You don't have to go all the way with transition if you don't want to. I don't want top surgery anymore myself, but I feel like that's because I regret the rest of my transition, and that I haven't left the house much since quarantine - other people seeing me and interpreting me a certain way influenced a lot of my dysphoria. I hope you figure it out, good luck.
Hey, I relate to a lot of what you've said here, I've been struggling with dpdr sorts of feelings for a long time too. I was on T for 4 years and a big part of why I stayed on for so long was because I didn't really look at myself (I've always hated my appearance as well) or register my body as me so I didn't know or care too much about what was happening. Like, I never felt like my reflection was my own and transitioning didn't change that. I sort of woke up from my haze one day and realized that I didn't like most of what had happened.
I get stared at a lot as I detransition and asked my pronouns by certain types (and they still stare, it feels like they want to add me to a collection, lol.) and it's all very frustrating.
If transitioning isn't helping you any and you don't care for the changes, it's not something you should be doing. Not transitioning is a lot simpler than transitioning, and with testosterone, it's harder to reverse the longer you're on it. If you really hate the attention changes from T have bought you you could try training your voice to be closer to how it was pre-T. Your body hair should thin over time if you stop T, or you could look into removal. If you regret top surgery there are padded bras as a non-surgical option, maybe? But even if you stop T don't feel obligated to be in too much of a rush to undo everything, especially if you don't care much either way. Being stared at is hard to deal with but I felt that, at the beginning of my detransition, being in a rush to "fix myself" was the exact unhealthy mindset that I had when I started T. I put off starting laser hair removal for my face until I was positive it was what I wanted, for example, and I haven't put serious effort into voice training yet. I'm also lazy but yeah.
With regards to dissociating, I recommend avoiding weed and other drugs, since that's only ever made my dpdr worse. I've had a really hard time finding therapists around me who've even heard of dissocating outside of DID but I encourage you to try to find a good therapist. Honestly your therapist who jumped to saying you were dysphoric and not dissociating does not sound like a good one. "Doing stuff" like... living... talking to people in person, running, travelling, concerts, anything outside of my comfort zone in general makes me very uncomfortably aware of being alive and I avoid them a lot because it's a tough feeling (and being detached sucks but is easy and familiar) but I guess it's like exposure therapy. The "waking up" I referred to comes out of nowhere months apart and doesn't last long.
This happened to me too, the first 2-3? months were horrible both emotionally and energy-wise, I feel fine now (better than I did on T) but it was gradual and I couldn't say when it happened exactly
OP I'd still get covid tested, it couldn't hurt, but if this is is hormones it should pass :)
How did I know I was trans or how did I know to detransition? I could talk about either if you want to hear.
I simultaneously want to tell you to stop worrying so much about gender and labels since you're not ever going to have an objective right answer but also to take physical transitioning very seriously.
Personally I really regret rushing to get on testosterone and have top surgery (I never did have it but it was one of my main goals) and making that my entire personality. Now I've got a deep voice, adam's apple, thin hair, etc etc, but otherwise look female, am ironically going to be seen as some flavor of "trans" forever. Constantly being stared at and treated like a freak is incredibly isolating especially because I chose this as a confused teenager who wasn't planning on living past 20. Sorry for being doom and gloom! But this isn't something to jump into, it's serious.
I know I'm female and I don't want to be anything else but I don't pass as one and for a while I did everything I could to not be one which is a mindfuck. So as a cope I try to be fine with being the inbetween thing I'm treated as which I guess could technically be nonbinary, or whatever
lol