out of concern as i see you've been posting here pretty regularly i looked through your post history and you have made several posts elsewhere lamenting why god punished women for eve's sin in the garden of eden by forcing women to menstruate.

i have no idea how pertinent this belief is relative to your dysphoria or if this is simply your way of explaining the intense distress and discomfort you experience during your period, and though i'm not trying to insult or demean your religious beliefs, this is objectively not healthy nor constructive thinking and it would probably do you some good to curb that insistence that you are being punished.

women menstruate not as divine retribution from god but b/c they are female mammals. that is it. all mammals menstruate; most animals are more covert and much more infrequent than human females but they all do, and several of the evolutionary species close in the chain to us approximate something close to a human menstrual cycle. it's just nature. it may feel like you are being punished but i promise you are not.

have you been able to articulate to anyone why exactly menstruating brings you so much discomfort? is it the sight of blood, the hormonal changes, the act itself?

you've stated you're seeing a therapist mostly to get papers signed off for a hysterectomy. if that's truly your wish, i hope you're up to speed on the potential complications and have weighed them accordingly against whether a major surgery is worth not having a menstrual cycle going forward. the uterus is not simply a baby farm and bears considerable responsibility in regulating your hormones and your overall health.

i'm assuming you've tried birth control before but wondering if you've tried anything longer term than the pill. there's nexplanon which is the arm implant which lasts several years; some women stop menstruating completely after a year, others it makes them only get a period infrequently or just spot. or the depo shot which i have heard good things about in stopping menstruation and only needs to be done every 3 months. the side effects of these may be negligible compared to a full hysto or testosterone and are worth considering.

until then, i would recommend getting a diva cup in the meantime. i used to be very dysphoric about my menstrual cycle when i was younger and pads and tampons often made it worse. i've been using a diva cup for a few months and it has helped me a lot in that i don't have to think about my period while it's happening save for the two times i day i have to empty it, and i don't feel it inside of me the way i did a tampon. maybe it could help alleviate some dysphoria for you in the meantime.

best of luck xx

there's an extremely long history of passing women -- meaning, women like yourself who lived their lives publicly as men. there's been a lot of ahistorical attribution to a lot of these women as being examples of trans men in history but imo that's fundamental misinterpretation of these women considering post-modern queer theory and gender identity is a concept of relatively recent history and more broadly seeks to obfuscate the issue by creating a hard line in the sand regarding terminology, being female nonconformity to social sex roles.

if you brought many of these women into the modern era, would some of them conceptualize themselves as trans men? sure, i'm sure several might. but i don't believe most would. living their lives as men in public and often in private as well was often the only way for women to get a foot in the door in facets of public life that were exclusively reserved for men, and pretending to be a man was a measure of being allowed in. not all, but many of these women were also lesbians, and butch/femme as a lesbian subculture shares a lot in common with this phenomenon.

i know several women who do not consider themselves male or trans men, but who do take steps to intentionally pass as male in public. most are lesbians who have desisted or struggled with gender in the past but who do not believe themselves to have a "gender identity" -- they're just women, but are most comfortable or okay with being perceived as men to varying degrees of frequency.

so, there's absolutely a place for you. there's so much rich precedent for it. i always find it helpful to remind myself that there are women who think and behave like this and there always will be.

i think more broadly, questions exploring how physical aspects of the body (weight, body hair, facial features etc.) might be perceived negatively in relation to one's physical sex and the cultural messaging and expectations associated with those respective gender norms would be helpful for a lot of teens in a time that is already difficult and emotionally fraught with regards to puberty. i think a lot of that influenced my own dysphoria -- the idea i was innately unfeminine and hairy and not the right build for girls, so i must've been destined to be a boy and something went wrong that i needed to fix.

i think now in the age of gender identity and fluidity a lot of young people feel a pressure to alter their appearance in ways they don't necessarily desire but will help them be perceived publicly the way they feel internally; whether it's expectations in physicality, manner of dress or speaking, hair styling etc. that may not naturally come to them, i see a lot of desisted/detrans people and trans identified people alike, specifically children and young adults, lament the work and effort they put forth to make sure they are "gendered" correctly and it's mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing. that how they exist naturally is not indicative of something that is ineffably wrong with them, externally or internally.

helping guide kids in an empathetic way that shows there are options to dealing with those feelings besides transition -- and that it is not always necessary or helpful or their only hope -- in order to feel comfortable in their bodies is imperative.

there are several species of primates and bats and a few sporadic others beyond cats or dogs that have observable menstrual cycles, but yes, most mammals do not have a "period" in the way we do, but they have an estrous cycle of uterine lining/ endometrium shedding. functionally, it's the same thing regardless of whether we can see it. the point being that it's a normal occurrence of nature in nearly every female mammalian species.

i'm 23 now. i've experienced dysphoria since i was pretty little, probably around the time was 6 or 7. i had on-off daydreams about transitioning from about 11-17 but i didn't really have the language to understand that desire to i was an older teen. i just wanted to be a boy.

i was never on hormones, so i can't answer questions specific to testosterone on menstrual cycles from my own experience, though i do have polycystic ovarian syndrome so i have quite a bit more androgen in my body than most female people. my period was a significant dysphoria factor for me and the consequence of pcos on my cycle -- namely in that it was severely irregular and i could go as long as seven months without my period -- was unintentionally and unfortunately very helpful at the time. i've been taking better care of my body in the past few years and i believe some weight loss contributed to me experiencing a mostly regular cycle again which was pretty unpleasant. so our circumstances aren't really the same but i understand at least a little what the discomfort of menstruating feels like. i'm still not comfortable with it now, but much better than i used to be. what helped me a lot was to stop assigning greater blame to why it was happening and just let it happen knowing it will stop in a few days.

as for god, i was raised catholic. i'm not practicing or really religious anymore but it's still something that has been a big part of my life and somewhat continues to be. why do you ask?

i'm also a dysphoric lesbian. without knowing much about you, i don't necessarily think that imagining yourself as a man penetrating your girlfriend with a penis is indicative of autoandrophilia. i don't know if both of you are lesbians, but the more lesbians i reach out and talk to, some sense of inadequacy with regard to sex becomes apparent as a not infrequent occurrence.

when i was child and young teen, before i had consciously realized i was attracted to women, anytime i fantasized about romantically interacting with women (kissing/touching/having sex) i couldn't picture anything besides this vaguely male visage that was my stand-in. several women also attracted to women i've talked to have shared this sentiment and i think a lot of external things informed my inability to be present in my own desires. is this something you've ever struggled with?

my dysphoria surrounding my vagina became significantly stronger upon entering (also my first) my relationship. my partner is bisexual and before dating me had been in a long-term relationship with a man, and for as much sexual chemistry as we had off the bat, when it came to actually having sex, i couldn't stop thinking about how i wasn't him. that we couldn't engage in sex in the way they had, and wondering whether that wasn't more satisfying, more "normal", more desirous than what i had to offer. not to say bisexual women are always inherently more attracted to men than women, not at all, but despite knowing this and my comparisons to myself against men being irrational, it doesn't always keep me from thinking like that.

from what i've seen, this is a lot more an issue for lesbians than gay men or heterosexual people, and probably from a place of being the only ones who can't truly have physiological penetrative sex with each other. but sex is a lot of things, and penetration isn't necessary nor is it something every lesbian even wants.

i rarely talk to about my dysphoria in my relationship both b/c it's uncomfortable and the current climate of tran issues is so volatile and black-and-white that it can throw a wrench in the lines of communication unnecessarily, but something that's helped mitigate my dysphoria (esp. in a sexual context) is making the effort to internalize the positive attention my partner gives my body. my breasts, my vulva, my clitoris. that though these things might make me uncomfortable receiving attention, they are things my partner and other bi/lesbian women find appealing about me, that they enjoy finding the similarity in our bodies in an intimate setting, focusing on the pleasure these aspects of my body can give me in this context.

if you're a lesbian and you're uncomfortable being penetrated that is 100% okay, but it is something you should discuss with your girlfriend -- if she doesn't know and it's a normal part of your sex life right now, it's only going to distress you more the further you try to endure it. especially since this is your first relationship, maybe it can be something the two of you can revisit in the future as a possibility if you find yourself wanting to try. personally, buying a strap and making it something fun for the both of us to do together was very nice. having sex with it for the first time kind of ticked off the box in my head? realizing that i didn't really want a man's penis -- i specifically bought one that was non-phallic -- i wanted the things i ascribed to a penis' worth in a relationship with a woman, which was an unhealthy way for me to relate to my own body and an unhealthy way to compartmentalize and assume facets of my partner's attraction. it's a helpful and fun addition and i enjoy using it but it also was not something that radically enhanced everything the way i assumed it would.

but it also illuminated that sex is about pleasure, bonding, vulnerability and intimacy. vulnerability especially, and if this is your first relationship as a lesbian you are probably finding it hard to be totally present and comfortable doing this. for me, it was a matter of time and patience. maybe it could help for you to try and articulate the feelings of dysphoria around your body to your girlfriend without explicitly calling it as such? see if discussing some boundaries or limits about what you're presently comfortable doing right now is possible?

y'know i've met a lot of detransitioned women in the past year and i think the consensus on how they feel about the physical effects of t afterward are pretty varied. it seems like a soft majority of the detrans women i've seen here very much so dislike the effects after, but i think that's in conjuction w them also presenting female again and/or dressing more femininely and those effects being read as "odd" by strangers who can recognize them as a female. that's not really the case w other detrans women i met though that might be b/c all of the ones i know were previously (and have returned to living as) lesbian women, a lot of them also butch who do enjoy sometimes passing as male in public for reasons related to dysphoria management as well as just b/c it's amusing to them.

from what i've seen it seems the physical effect most missed after stopping is muscle development? but i know a lot of people who also like the male-pattern body hair. i think the problem, and why so many detransitioned women struggle after coming off t regarding their appearance, is that you can't really pick and choose what effects you get and their varying degrees of permanence. i know that was a big deterrent for me when i used to kind of idly daydream about it. i heard so many trans men talk about instantaneous muscle development after going on t and how quickly it vanished off, and i used to get so jealous -- i've always been very focused on being strong and wanting a muscular physique in myself and resented how much harder i had to work for it compared to men. but i've learned to live with that, realizing that the jealousy was clouding my own perception of myself in thinking i could never be like that. i can, it's just more work and i'm okay with that now.

i think the biggest thing is, really, to stop giving a shit about what every stranger out in the world might think about you. which is easier said than done, but sometimes it comes from necessity. i've always been a pretty masculine woman and though i never did go on t, i do grow a pretty visible mustache/facial hair, chest hair, and have a lower voice than most other women. i used to obsessively shave and never spoke in my natural voice and eventually i just got too tired to keep doing it. everything was a trade-off i.e. if i do (x masculine thing) then i have to do (y feminine thing) to counteract it and suddenly i realized that i just... didn't have to do that. if the fear of never being seen as 'correctly' female again motivates you to change the things you like, that's no fair to you! you're totally allowed to enjoy your body as is, and know that there will be others who do, too.

been lurking for a while but this really resonated w me. never transitioned socially or medically but considered it for several years in my late teens. used to cry at night looking up srs and wishing i had just been born male instead. probably had vocal feelings of wanting to be a boy for as long as i could talk. have always felt different from other girls a.) b/c i was never feminine and "girly" and didn't share their desires or interests and b.) for being gay, though i hadn't known it then. also a lesbian, was also a tomboy, also felt the unshakeable and violent scourge of internet misogyny severely alienate me from from being a woman. my sex dysphoria is no longer as severe, and i often don't think about it, but seeing the way men talk about women in private -- when they're amongst themselves --mgtow, incels, ordinary frat bros. it's nauseating. reading those things send me into an entire day of dissociation and dysphoria and extreme unpleasantness. i do my best to avoid the temptation to read it as a deliberate act of self-harm. no good comes from it.

i have several non-binary friends -- all female -- and i see shades of this in them as well. they don't desire to be seen as male, but they also are extremely uncomfortable being regarded as women, or female. many trans men i know still don't want to be seen as "men" men. a trans man i know as an acquaintance once described their relationship to womanhood as "living outside the country, but not renouncing citizenship" and i thought that was an insightful look at the difference in trans experience between most of the trans men and trans women i've read opinions from and known, though it was ill-received and mostly ignored. anecdotal, but from my many years oscillating in trans circles the vast majority of non-binary people i've met are female and i think the nonstop, easily accessible barrage of misogyny present on nearly every corner of the internet has been a major contribution. it's extremely hard to be comfortable in a body that historically has not been awarded sentience and is regarded, still, by many of the other sex, merely as property.

the best thing that i did w myself was stop trying to alter or reframe my thinking of my body in a way that was palatable to me when i knew it was coming from an extremely traumatized mindset and a lifetime of having restrictions and abuse imposed of me b/c of my sex, b/c i'm a woman. regarding myself as female as a completely neutral statement that dictates nothing about how how i internalize my behavior, my personality etc. made others recognizing me as female, as a woman, significantly less painful. i'm not here to talk anyone out of identifying w transness, but sometimes when i see my afab nb friends revile in disgust at their own body and do more harm to themselves trying to hide it b/c they know how it can/may/will be perceived by men specifically (esp as gay female people), it makes me extremely sad. it's a painful rock-and-hard-place situation to be in.

i'm not a detransitioner but i am someone who has experienced strong sex/gender dysphoria for most of my life and having thought of myself as trans for several years. i have also been where you're at during puberty, very unsettled by and uncomfortable in my female body; it's an extremely vulnerable and confusing period of time.

you say you've been identifying as a lesbian and though i'm not trying to sway your self-conceptualization either way, i want you to know that dysphoria is very common among lesbian women be it femme, butch or neither. lesbianism itself feels very much like a form of "non-womanhood" for a lot of women. i know many believe it impossible for a person to experience sex dysphoria and not identify as trans, but there are so many afab people who do. i am also a lesbian, and i know a large swath of other lesbians who live continually with dysphoria but who are happy and mostly comfortable viewing themselves as women. some outgrow the feeling entirely, others it comes and goes, others it follows them through their lives.

you're still very young. i think the question is less whether you are or are not trans, but moreso how you would like to live the rest of your life. and you have lots of time to figure that out! it's worth asking: what about your more feminine features causes you discomfort? is it inherent to the characteristics themselves or in how they may form others' perceptions of you? do you desire to go on testosterone b/c you would like to be viewed as male, or because you don't want to be viewed as female?

it could also be a good idea for you to keep a journal about your dysphoria to identify when you feel it, what triggers it, what in particular about your body was the cause, etc. it can help identify patterns and let you reorient certain circumstances to avoid it and certain measures you can take in dress/thoughts/form of address that will help you feel more comfortable.

wishing you lots of love ❤

"detrans" refers to people who are medically detransitioning from cross-sex horomones, often accompanied by social and legal detransition; "desist" refers to people who were trans identified but no longer believe themselves to be who had not medically transitioned but have socially

i mean this in the kindest way possible, but you may have already answered this question yourself by linking these thoughts to ocd-like thought patterns; it's sounds as though you have been diagnosed and observably living with ocd for some time now, and i think you may have latched onto a new cyclical thought trigger. when you first saw those images let me ask: did you feel relief, or distress? it sounds like the latter, and esp. in context of your door anecdote about being/not being trans, continuing to look despite your physical and emotional anxiety, it seems more like behavioral/contamination ocd as opposed to an actual epiphany about being trans.

there's not necessarily "trans ocd" but ime, as someone who struggles w both dysphoria and ocd-adjacent behavior, i think the two were definitely interlinked and i have known several transgender people whom i believe were also experiencing some form of ocd around their identity and transition. i think the implication that b/c you relate to memes about being transgender means you must be trans is false thinking. i share lots of experiences and feelings in common w trans people; i don't consider myself transgender, doesn't mean that i don't and can't still have material relations and life experiences akin to those who are. there can be a ton of overlap between social groups that we think of as being diametrically opposed.

i am curious though, as i've seen this sentiment a few times in the past few days from several others: you say you were insistent on being seen as a tomboy -- did cutting your hair and wearing boy's clothes come naturally to you, or was it something you did to quantify visibly how "masculine" you perceived yourself to be to others? you say you make yourself dress femininely so as not to feed the thoughts about being trans, but it may be more helpful for you to stop thinking about your appearance in terms of how masculine/feminine you look in the future when you feel able; you should wear clothes that you are comfortable in, fit you well, enjoy stylistically etc.

i think writing that letter and sharing it with your support group was a good step to exploring how these recurring thoughts may be related to your ocd in a safe setting, and hopefully talking about it outloud w others may help you make more sense of it and provide you w some ways to cope? all the best xx