My journey with gender has been confusing and painful, but I’ve come out the other side with a much clearer understanding of myself. I never actually transitioned medically or socially, but I went through a severe crisis where I was convinced I might be trans, and it took a lot of soul-searching to figure out why that felt like the only answer.

It all started when I began spending a lot of time on Reddit and Twitter. I was exposed to a constant barrage of negative comments about men, about how toxic masculinity was, and how men were inherently bad. As a man who has always been more sensitive and didn't fit the typical "macho" mold, this really got to me. I started to ruminate endlessly, picking apart my own personality. Was the way I naturally was actually toxic? Was my existence as a man inherently harmful? This led to intense anxiety and a feeling of depersonalization; I felt completely disconnected from myself.

I’ve always felt different from other boys. I was a sensitive kid and I remember feeling more comfortable around women. I now see that a lot of this came from my family dynamics. My father was distant, abusive, and I suspect he was a closeted gay or bisexual man. My mother, who I now see was probably manipulative and had her own issues, encouraged my feminine behaviour when I was very young, I think to mock my father. I became completely enmeshed with her, seeing her as a perfect goddess and my father as pure evil. I was her surrogate husband. I craved my father’s love and approval, but he was unable to give it, and his rejection hurt deeply. I realize now that if he had been able to lovingly spend time with me, my gender non-conforming phase would have passed quickly.

This childhood experience left me with a deep-seated need for safety and comfort, which I associated with femininity. As a boy, I found that acting in a more feminine way could get me positive attention and a sense of safety from women. But I always knew, fundamentally, that I was a boy. I never actually thought I was a girl. The discomfort came from feeling like I was a bad or wrong kind of man.

During my crisis, I started re-examining my entire childhood through this new, anxious lens. I had a PTSD episode that brought back flashbacks of childhood abuse, and it made me obsess over whether my past GNC behaviour meant I was trans. I felt hopeless and alone, and I was easy to manipulate. I’ve always been the type of person who goes along with ideas to feel loved and included, and I’ve followed people with serious personality disorders in the past. I found some trans blogs and communities, and I recognize now that their language was cult-like. It wasn't neutral information; it was a mix of fact and feeling designed to convince and sell an idea to vulnerable people. They spoke to my hopelessness and offered a way out.

I also struggled with my sexuality. I’ve always been heterosexual in my attractions, but since late grade school, most of my romantic crushes have been on men, often gay or bisexual men in media. This confused me deeply because I wasn't sexually attracted to men or gay porn. I feared this meant my attraction to women was a lie and that I was really trans. I learned about autogynephilia (AGP) and saw elements of it in others—men who were into gender-swap fantasies and fictional role-playing—and it scared me, wondering if my feelings were a sublimated fetish. I’ve had problems with obsessive thoughts before, and this felt like the biggest one yet.

What helped me break out of this was realizing a few key things. First, I started to understand that my personality might align with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I read that men with BPD are much more likely to identify as gay or bisexual and to have an unstable sense of self. The description of feeling like an amalgamation of other people, with no core identity of my own, fit me perfectly. I could feel my mother, my father, and other influences acting through me. This wasn't a gender issue; it was an identity issue rooted in trauma.

Second, I began to see that the trans movement, in many cases, seems to reinforce strict gender roles, not break them down. I thought about countries like Thailand that have a "third gender" tradition. I used to think this was progressive, but I now see it as a sign of a conservative, patriarchal society where there’s no room for gender non-conformity outside of a designated box. It felt like society was offering me a new box to fit into because it didn't want to deal with the complexity of a sensitive, feminine man.

I also believe that a lot of support for transition, from both individuals and institutions, can be rooted in homophobia. I’ve known homophobic people who are perfectly accepting of trans people. It’s as if it’s easier for society to accept someone changing their gender than to accept a man who is feminine or gay.

I never took hormones or had surgery. My detransition is really a detransition of the mind. I’ve come to accept that I am a man with a more Yin, or feminine, energy. I believe in balance, like the concept of Yin and Yang or Jung's anima and animus. I don't believe in gender identity as an internal feeling; I see gender as social roles and expectations. I feel my gender in how I interact with others, not when I'm alone.

I don't regret exploring these thoughts because it led me to understand my trauma and my family dynamics. But I am deeply grateful I didn't medically transition. I think the solution for people like me isn't to change our bodies, but to heal our minds, understand our childhoods, and create a society where men can be soft and sensitive without being told they are toxic or that they must not be men. The answer was to become more comfortable being the kind of man I am, not to try and become a woman.

Here is a timeline of my journey based on my experiences: