For me, it was a little less direct.

My first year of university, I stayed in the LGBT dorm because, well, I thought I was trans. Everyone there was amicable there to everyone else, willing to be friendly and chat and say hi.

There, I met someone that was detrans, and she just happened to be there because she applied to the dorm when she was trans. People didn't really like her because they somehow found her radfem tumblr, but there wasn't too much unfriendliness towards her, at least not behind her back or to her face that I saw. At the end of the school year, she made a powerpoint about detransitioning, which I was super happy about and wanted to share with the dorm community because I secretly detransitioned myself.

She posted it to the group chat, and soon other people said "this made me uncomfortable" without actual criticism or detail. She did take it down instantly though.

As I hung out with other people in the dorm, they lambasted her behind her back, they "joked" about if she was playing this game called "Secret Hitler" (where you're supposed to find and kill Hitler) they would just kill her over and over regardless of whether she was Hitler or not. She was "still LGBT" too, she was lesbian or bisexual. It upset me that the other people could turn on someone who was part of their "community" in an instant.

That's when I realized that the people there only liked me, were only friendly to me because of who they thought I was. If I ever shared my own views outwardly, I'd have been harassed and made fun of behind my back. Or at the very least, I don't think they would have cared to try to be nice to me.

It does feel insincere to me as well. I don't know quite how to put it into words.

If you're so uncomfortable about it, just tell her you go by a new name that you'd like to be called, you don't have to give any explanation. She seems very friendly and it's not like it's going to stop unless you correct her. She clearly just wants to be nice, she will likely happily oblige to call you what you want to he called.

Egg culture is gaslighting. It encourages people to go back and nitpick every single interest as proof that you're trans.

Before finding egg culture, I was just an insecure person with "atypical" interests for my sex. After becoming invested, I was desperate for any affirmation and security in my identity as a man.

Even the egg_irl subreddit calls themselves "trans people in denial" when the whole idea of being an "egg" is that it's your exploratory phase. So much for that.

I think to be a woman is to be a female person.

People attribute this to reducing women to their genitals, but I think that's totally wrong. Just because a group is defined by a characteristic doesn't mean that characteristic defines all individuals. I am a musician because I play an instrument. That doesn't mean that all musicians play the same instrument, that doesn't mean that all musicians have the same favorite meal, that doesn't mean that all musicians share my interests or personality.

I think to be a woman is to be a female person and because of this loose, simple definition, she is free to dress as she pleases, have interests of her choosing, buy whatever she desires, and marry (or not) whoever she wants while still recognizing her biological reality. That, to me, is being a woman free of gender.

I personally think you can really only be trans with gender dysphoria. Otherwise, it's chasing rainbows and some supposedly greener side rather than helping cope with actual suffering. I think if you don't hate your body, you're likely not trans. The biggest things I can recommend are to spend less time online, and especially less time in trans communities, they only affirm and push people towards transitioning with positive reinforcement and confirmation bias. If you can live happily without medically messing with your body, then that is the safest and (I'd argue) best path. It's not conversion therapy if you're genuinely happy without repressing yourself.

The biggest takeaways are avoid too much of the internet, and to always remember that men and women can wear whatever they like or look like however they want, it doesn't make them any less of a man or woman.

Hi, I'm a desisted female, so do take my words with a grain of salt.

But in my experience, one of the reasons people regret transition is because they realize that they don't think gender matters or is even real. I guess this has to do with your outlook on gender, and why you transitioned.

For a lot of people, that means feeling like they'll never truly be able to be the opposite sex and hide in that anyways, because one will always have been born with a or b or whatever, and will still have a male/female skeleton regardless, etc. If you confidently feel like that doesn't inhibit you, then that's fine, too.

For me, I've realized that gender is just kind of a farce and none of it matters anyways. I do still wish I had some other physical traits of the opposite sex, but there's no need for me to change that about myself and become that when I can still be happy in my own body. I personally relieved my dysphoria through realizing that those around me don't care how I look or what I have or whatever, so what is the point of acquiring what I don't have if it doesn't matter to people? They see me as me, regardless of whether I identify as being a man or a woman, so what's the value in transitioning at that point?

I guess this goes past the surgery and more into the ideas behind being transgender in the first place, but I do wish you luck on your journey.

If you do continue with it, I hope it makes you happy! (also with your point on wearing feminine body clothing, you could try tucking, if you haven't already)

We dont think about it because those gender nonconforming behaviors have been normalized - and hopefully others will too.

I agree with this. When I was trans, I had this weird state of mind where I felt like society was imposing these rigorous rules on me because I was female, but in reality, society is much more lenient than we sometimes think. I would be seen as a girl even when I was trying to pass, and I knew transwomen that had been on HRT and wore dresses and would still be casually called "he" (without people meaning to insult them).

At least to me, I see that as a sign that nowadays society is a lot more accepting of nonconformity than we can be lead to believe.

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Sexism is saying men must be masculine, but sexism is ALSO saying masculinity makes you a man.

I also love that you said this! I think in general, perpetuating ideas like men = masculine and masculinity = man sucks.

Thanks for making this post!

Thank you for telling your experience, I have noticed that I feel similarly now in that I don't think that my pronouns or gender matter, they're really just descriptors and words. The don't say anything about me. And really, the best "cure" for me was to live life and stop wallowing on reddit. At my worst, I browsed reddit for maybe 4 hours a day just trying to push away the doubts I had that I was trans.

I do want to know also, I've really been considering pet rats! Would you recommend them? Is two a good amount to make sure they don't get depressed?

I feel the same. One of my closest friends transitioned after I started questioning. He never had gender dysphoria before and when I started talking about me discovering the trans community he started developing dysphoria for the first time. 8 months after we first start questioning together he started hormones. I can't help but feel responsible but at the same time I cut him out of my life; partially because of my guilt, partially for other reasons where I didn't feel like I was treated as a friend.

I don't know what to do, I want to go to him and tell him "you didn't have to do this, there are other ways to help yourself" but am too scared to. On the other hand, I think he wouldn't listen.

Regardless, I think in hindsight we were both extremely mentally ill at that time in our lives and I was definitely not thinking clearly. I wish mostly that there was a way to turn it all back and fix it. But I don't know how, and...what if I'm not brave enough to?

Something I realized from my experience in an in-person trans community is that even when I spelled out my heart out for them to try to make detransition more understood, they don't understand. They'll often just see it as conversion therapy/repressing.

I told them I still had some dysphoria at the time after desisting (I did but have worked through it and it's mostly gone now). They interpreted that as me still being trans but repressing. Someone in the group called me a "fallen soldier" and my prior best friend approved that comment. Even though I had tried to talk and message that friend about the reasons.

The same happened with my desisted friend. She talked to some people. They brushed it off as her repressing and falling into a toxic community and pitied her.

I wrote a very carefully worded letter to my trans friend asking him to reconsider the reasons why he transitioned and if he thinks they were good reasons. He showed it to his friends and they all called me transphobic and said I told him he should detransition, which I didn't say or intend in any capacity.

Sadly a lot of them will do anything to prove that their narrative is the right one. I do understand that desperation though, I was very much like that when I was transitioning. But I remember I didn't think detransitioners were repressing after reading their stories myself. I just thought they were somehow failed by the people around them. And in my experience, we are oftentimes failed when we trust the trans community and doctors.