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About me
I started identifying as a boy at 13 because I felt trapped by the expectations placed on me as a girl in my Asian family. I was on testosterone for six years, convinced that changing my body was my only path to comfort. I eventually realized my discomfort wasn't about being female but came from low self-esteem and cultural pressures I was trying to escape. Now, at 25, I'm living as a woman again, though I regret the permanent changes. I'm learning to build a life focused on my interests and goals, not on gender.
My detransition story
My whole journey with this started when I was 13. I was a girl who felt really uncomfortable with the changes of puberty and with the expectations placed on me. Looking back, I think a lot of my feelings came from my family and culture. I was forced into doing things my sister enjoyed that I didn't, and I saw how my male cousins were glorified and treated differently in our Asian family. I felt like I had no control and that being a girl was a limitation. I think this childhood neglect, though I didn't recognize it at the time, played a huge part in my decision to identify as a boy.
I identified as a trans guy, FTM, from age 13 to 22. For a long time, I thought that was the answer. I was on testosterone for about 6 years in total. I never had any surgeries, but I deeply hated my breasts and desperately wanted top surgery. I thought that changing my body was the only way to feel comfortable in my own skin.
But as I got older, things started to change. I began to realise that my confidence issues and discomfort might not have been about gender at all. I started to see that I had jumped into transitioning without really exploring all the different ways I could just be a woman. I wish I had given myself the chance to grow into an athletic, tomboyish girl, to find a style that made me comfortable as a female. I was so focused on my feelings and running away from being a girl that I never stopped to just build a life. I spent so much time looking inward, trying to "find" myself, when I should have been looking outward, learning new skills, picking up hobbies, and building a personality beyond gender.
Now, I’m 25 and I’ve been detransitioning for about three years. I have a lot of regrets. I feel like I lost the ability to be a "normal girl" like my friends. Sometimes after a night out, I can't stop thinking about how different my life would be if I hadn't done this to myself. It sits in my mind like a plague. The changes from testosterone are permanent in some ways, and my body will never be exactly what it would have been. I feel like I threw away my potential.
My thoughts on gender now are that it's not the most important thing about a person. There is so much more to life. I believe that for me, transitioning was a way to escape from other problems—low self-esteem, the discomfort of puberty, and cultural pressures. I now think the best way to deal with these feelings is to develop yourself as a person, not to change your body. Focus on what you think, what you learn, and what you can do, not just on how you feel. Feelings are signals, not commands.
I don't think I'm trans. I think I was a confused young person who took a path that felt like a solution but turned out to be a detour that caused more pain. The biggest lesson I've learned is to not let this define me. I am trying to build myself from scratch now, focusing on my hobbies, my style, and my goals. It's a hard journey, but giving up isn't an option.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 13 | Started identifying as a trans guy (FTM). |
| 16 | Started taking testosterone. |
| 22 | Stopped identifying as trans and began detransitioning. Stopped testosterone after 6 years of use. |
| 25 | Present day, living as a woman and focusing on building a life beyond gender. |
Top Comments by /u/AlphaDeadbeat:
Are you mtftm or ftmtf ? I just want to understand a bit more. What do you mean look at men like they have the power to change your life ? Recognition that you don’t want to do this anymore is a very good sign, it is the start of a journey. You are strong and you will get through this but let’s just break it down first. Ask yourself these questions, sit down with a pen and paper and ask yourself, try to THINK about the answer. If you struggle then just write whatever comes to mind, if you’re writing too much, write it and then organise it. Q1) who am i ? Q2) who do i want to be ? 3) if I could have anything to make me happy what would it be ? 4) What would the ideal life be for me ? 5) how do I feel about myself ?
Answer those honestly and openly, take your time and honestly dm me if you want to talk. There’s ways out of this and you can do it. Let’s take it a step at a time.
Hi I just wanted to say that I am in the same place as you. I also have no reason to believe im trans like sexual assault or autism or anything like that. However, I did identify as trans FTM from 13 to 22.. I am not 3 years on t and I have also lost hope. I have lost the ability to be a normal girl like everyone around me and it is driving me crazy. I'm telling you this because you're not alone. I come on this subreddit after a night out where I can't stop thinking about how different life would have been if I didn't do this to myself. This sub shows that you're not alone and so many people have entered this world for no reason and it sits in your mind like a plague or a demon. It is scary but you're not alone and many do break free from these shackles. My DMs are open I welcome talking to people who feel the same as I do, I hope this helps and if not I hope we can go through this together because giving up just isn't an option.
Stay away from the trans side of the internet and just use it to learn. Try to find fashion pages that can help you with dressing a certain style to make you more comfortable and happy. Pick up hobbies and make friends but don’t focus on feelings too much, just try to be rational everyday instead of using your feelings to guide everything . They’re signals not commands.
I think try to make the most without transitioning. I would urge you toconsider finding other ways to deal with puberty because it's scary as fuck but you might be able to accept the changes you know. And be you. Keep exploring the world, there is so much more to life than gender and it would make your life easier if you could find and develop yourself as you are. Transitioning is a lifelong thing, never ending, when you are older you might think it is too much effort when you can just accept yourself. I urge you to try other options before you consider transitioning.
Honestly just be the “girl” you’re supposed to be, just be the person you are supposed to be. No point trying to make any changes. Find out what hobbies you like, find stuff you wannna get good at, find your style but look at other women and girls for inspiration, something will click and make you feel comfortable. You haven’t explored all the different ways to be a woman. It’s so easy to just jump to being a guy but for me I wish I had just been an athletic tomboyish girl, and stayed like that, I envision myself (6 years on t ) as a girl who wears baggy t shirts and hip hop styled outfits but I never gave myself the chance to grow into a woman I was comfortable with. As you grow and start learning different parts of yourself, you’ll find yourself as a girl even though it might not seem like it. So many people told me I would grow out of it and I foolishly didn’t listen, they said people aren’t happy after they transition sometimes and I thought “well they’re not truly trans then” but these people were right. You grow and you change and this cannot be undone easily so take your time to learn about yourself and just learn about the world. So much of self exploration is actually outward not inwards, meaning… don’t focus on how you feel instead focus on learning stuff and focus on how you THINK and pick up information/skills/movements. There’s so much we don’t have control over in our bodies (I’m learning how to dance rn and I know control of the body is super hard) yet we are so quick to wanna chop and change it, when we don’t even have control over our full range of motions and abilities.
I hope this helps!
I think what they mean is you should try to see what being a man means to you and doing those things that make you feel comfortable as a man. For example your style. Instead of running from being transgender which is sounds like you are running from the discrimination of if that makes sense. (Forgive me if this is wrong but that’s what I think oc means)
You mentioned that you “had so much potential” and it’s all gone? I don’t think that’s true. At the end of the day regular people who have no idea about trans ideas and how it all really works (the ones that just get on with their own lives), they don’t really care if you transitioned and then transitioned back. Fine your body might not be where you want it to be now and it might never be but there’s more to a person than their body. Your potential lies within yourself, within your brain and what you do with it everyday. If you start doing things you never thought you could (waking up early everyday, eating right, reading more and exercising) you’ll realise there’s more to life than your body, it’s about how you feel. Fine you made a mistake but it’s huge to even realise that! You probably can’t see it yourself but everyone here is so strong for even recognising the dangers of being trans (EVEN YOU).
It might take years to get there but that’s what a goal is for. Nothing happens overnight, really all you gotta do is find the strength inside yourself. Your mums gonna “suffer” for a few years while you work together to get through it but that’s miles better than her suffering the rest of her life if you passed away. I think she would suffer a lot more if you did pass away. Also I don’t think your mum really is suffering, she’s probably hurting for you but it’s not a good way to see it that you are making her suffer, it is likely you’re not! No one’s saying it’s gonna be easy but it’s not impossible, build your strength, be a leader for yourself and for others. It is not impossible to go back, you can do it all it takes is some mental strength, time and effort. If you want to work through it my dms are open i would love to help you through this but it’s gonna be tough so you need to get ready for the ride. Giving up is NOT an option. You wanna make your mum happy and be proud of yourself ? You will become a success story but it starts with you and saying you will do it. YOU CAN! don’t give up
Don't let this define you. You are you no matter what. I think consistency might help, finding hobbies and places to go to everyday, like a cafe you go to consistently. You haven't made any wrong decisions, you tried something and it didn't work out for you? That's fine you're one step closer to figuring it out. Don't be so hard on yourself you have been through what we have all been through here, so you should admire yourself with the same enthusiasm.
Look man, life is hard and finding ourselves is what got us all to this position, but instead of finding you... try to build yourself instead. You can start from scratch or you can pick some things you like already. I'd suggest writing down everything you know about yourself. Favourite food, colour, anything, and just try and dig a bit more into you, there is more to being a person than gender. What sports do you like, what films do you like, which documentaries do you like. Try new shit even if you don't think you'll like it. You're a person at the end of the day, "fucked up" or not, and building yourself is simple, hard, but simple. You might find the peace you need.
I hope this helps and my DMs are open.
You're young, you have so much time to grow and change how you feel. You will grow into yourself which is something I wish I had known. Don't change yourself, love your experiences and you for you. You'll meet so many people who "aren't man enough" and you won't think twice about that.
Confidence runs low around your age, it's hard to be confident but time is your friend. Just make the most of it, I think at this age the best thing to do is to develop yourself. Develop skills and hobbies that you'll be grateful for later on. Try new things get out and explore, don't worry about yourself just think about the world. People worry too much about themselves they forget to live. Life has so many opportunities just waiting for you to pick up an instrument or a ball and make some good friends and memories.
DM me if you want to talk!
Do you have long term commitments already? Such as hobbies that you are fully committed to. Do you consider yourself interesting in other ways? What makes you you regardless of your gender? Consider your biological sex for a second and think about the things in your life that truly upset you because of this for me it was being forced to do things my male cousin's never had to do. These are just questions from my own personal experience.
I believe that childhood neglect although I was unaware of it, being forced into things my sister enjoyed and I did not, and Asian culture glorifying my male family played a big part in my transition choices.