My whole journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I was 16 when I first came out as trans. Looking back, I think a lot of my feelings were tied up in puberty discomfort. I hated the changes happening to my body, especially developing breasts; it felt wrong and foreign to me. I was also struggling with a lot of other things, like depression and really low self-esteem. I didn't feel good about myself at all.

The online community I was in at the time was a huge influence. It felt like a safe space at first, but it became an echo chamber. I was surrounded by people who all believed the same thing: that if you had these feelings, you were trans, and transition was the only way to avoid suicide. This idea was reinforced by a therapist I saw, who told my parents that I would kill myself if they didn't affirm my new identity. I didn't find out she had said that until much later, and I'm still angry about it. I can't think of any other area of mental health where a professional would present such an extreme, dualistic choice. It felt like emotional blackmail and it completely removed any other option for exploring what I was feeling.

I started taking testosterone when I was 19. For a while, it felt like it was helping. The physical changes made my body dysmorphia feel a little quieter. But as time went on, the reality of living as a trans person set in. It was exhausting. By the time I was 24, I realized I couldn't do it anymore. It felt like my life was becoming smaller and more restricted, not freer. I was constantly anxious, walking on eggshells, and the online community I had once relied on became unbearable. They were so dogmatic, treating any question or doubt as an act of violence.

I stopped hormones and began to detransition. It was a process of stepping back and untangling everything. A big part of it was realizing that I had stopped caring about my gender so much. The intense dysphoria I had felt is nearly gone now. I think a lot of my drive to transition was a form of escapism—from my body, from my insecurities, and from other problems I didn't know how to deal with.

I do have some regrets. I regret not having a therapist who would have helped me explore my depression, self-esteem, and discomfort without immediately jumping to medical transition. I regret the influence the online community had on me and the fear-based messaging that surrounded everything.

Now, I believe that feminine men and masculine women exist and that's perfectly okay. People should be able to wear what they want and act how they want without it meaning they have to change their entire identity or body. I try to avoid the online trans community now because I find the environment too stressful. It's sad, but I need to protect my own peace.

I don't know if I'll ever fully look like a typical female again because of the long-term effects of testosterone, and that's something I just have to live with. My main goal now is to just live my life, away from all the noise and pressure.