My whole journey with transition and detransition was a long and complicated one, and looking back, I see now that a lot of my feelings were tied up in other issues I hadn't dealt with.

I was born female, and I never felt like I fit in with other girls, especially when puberty started. I hated the changes in my body, particularly my breasts developing. I felt uncomfortable and wrong in my own skin, and I thought that meant I was supposed to be a boy. I spent a lot of time online in trans communities, and I was heavily influenced by what I saw and read there. It seemed like the perfect solution to all my discomfort and low self-esteem. I think a lot of it was also a form of escapism from dealing with my depression and anxiety.

I came out as non-binary first, but that quickly shifted to identifying as a trans man. I started taking testosterone. Being on T gave me a sense of control and change that I desperately wanted at the time. My voice dropped significantly, which is something I now have to live with. I eventually had top surgery to remove my breasts. After surgery, I felt a huge sense of relief about my chest, but that feeling was short-lived. The underlying problems were still there.

After being on testosterone for a few years and living as a man, I started to realize that I had made a mistake. I began to understand that my issues weren't really about gender. A lot of my initial discomfort was just normal puberty discomfort mixed with body dysmorphia and a deep-seated hatred for my body that was more related to an eating disorder than anything else. I also started to recognize that I might be autistic, and that a lot of my social confusion and feeling out of place was related to that, not to being born in the wrong body.

I decided to detransition. I stopped taking testosterone about eight months ago. Most people gender me as female now, but my voice is a permanent reminder of my time on T. It's deep, and it sometimes causes confusion. I've had people in public, like at a restaurant, make inappropriate comments or assume I'm non-binary based solely on my voice. It's frustrating and feels invasive, especially when I'm just trying to live my life. I've realized I need to be better at speaking up for myself and telling people my pronouns are she/her.

I don't regret my top surgery; I am still relieved to not have breasts. However, I deeply regret taking testosterone and going through a medical transition. It didn't solve my problems and it created new, permanent ones. I am now infertile, which is a serious and painful consequence to live with. My thoughts on gender now are that it's a very personal thing, but medical intervention is a huge step that shouldn't be taken lightly, especially when there are other mental health issues at play. I benefited greatly from non-affirming therapy that finally helped me untangle my gender feelings from my other issues.

I don't identify with any label for my sexuality anymore. I'm just me.

Here is a timeline of my journey: