This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. The user's detailed, emotional, and internally conflicted narrative about their upcoming surgery, mental health history (BPD, anxiety, depression, OCD), and the specific pressures they feel (insurance, family, shame) is highly complex and human. The raw, unstructured, and at times contradictory nature of their writing is not typical of a bot and reflects the genuine anguish and confusion a desister might experience. There are no serious red flags suggesting inauthenticity.
About me
I started transitioning because I felt deeply uncomfortable with my female body and thought I was a man. I was on testosterone and scheduled top surgery, but a sudden wave of doubt made me cancel everything just two days before the procedure. I realized my anxiety, depression, and other mental health struggles were the real cause of my distress, not my body. I now see that medical transition was a misplaced solution for my deeper problems. I'm working on my mental health and don't regret exploring my identity, but I'm glad I listened to my doubts.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition started because I felt deeply uncomfortable with my body, especially during puberty. I hated my breasts and always had a sense that something was wrong. I was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and OCD, and I probably also had BPD and ADHD, though I never got an official diagnosis for those. I started to believe that all of this discomfort meant I was trans.
Starting testosterone felt like it helped at first; my depression went away for a while and I felt a sense of complacency. Being trans became a huge part of my identity. I was so certain that medical transition was the answer that I scheduled top surgery and was eligible for the keyhole procedure.
But just two days before my surgery date, everything changed. I was hit with a sudden, intense wave of doubt. I started questioning everything. I felt unstable, like my thinking wasn't my own, and I couldn't understand how I could go from being so certain to feeling completely different almost overnight. I was terrified of being judged, especially by my mom who is transphobic and would hold it over my head if I cancelled. I also felt trapped because my insurance was covering the surgery completely, and I was worried they wouldn't cover it if I said I was questioning.
I felt like a fraud and a fake. I looked back at notes I had written on my phone defending my identity and describing my gender dysphoria, and it felt like they were written by a stranger. In a moment of confusion, I even tried shaving and putting on my old glasses to see if I missed my femininity. Looking in the mirror, I kept switching between feeling happy and feeling dysphoric, which just made me cry because I had no idea what I truly wanted.
I realized that a lot of my push to go through with surgery was driven by irrational impatience and a fear of shame. I thought if I cancelled, I’d have to quit my job because I had taken six weeks off, and I felt I could never face my friends or boss again. I also couldn’t afford a new therapist, and I was too scared to go back to the ones who knew me because I felt they would judge me for being wrong.
Ultimately, I realized that for me, just wanting my breasts removed wasn't enough of a reason. I felt I needed a justification like having cancer to not feel crazy about doing it. I compared it to someone who wanted to remove a healthy limb—it didn’t feel right. I ended up getting sick around my surgery date, which forced me to postpone it, and that gave me the time I needed to really think.
I now see that my mental health issues, like anxiety, depression, and probable BPD, were a huge part of why I felt the way I did. Transitioning was a way to try and solve these deeper problems, but it wasn't the right solution for me. I don't regret exploring my identity because it led me to understand myself better, but I do regret not addressing my underlying mental health issues first. I wish I had gotten proper, non-affirming therapy for my OCD and anxiety instead of being funneled toward medical transition.
My thoughts on gender now are that it's a very personal and complicated thing. For me, my discomfort was less about being in the wrong body and more about struggling with self-esteem, trauma, and mental illness. I benefited from finally taking the time to question everything and listen to my doubts.
Here is a timeline of my events:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 18 | Started feeling intense discomfort with puberty and my developing breasts. |
| 19 | Was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD. |
| 20 | Started identifying as trans and began testosterone. Felt initial relief from depression. |
| 21 | Scheduled top surgery for keyhole procedure. |
| 21 | Experienced a severe crisis of doubt 2 days before surgery date and postponed it. |
| 21 | Began to detransition after realizing underlying mental health issues were the root cause of my distress. |
Top Comments by /u/Always_drew:
Yeah, I guess it’s because it’s so soon to the surgery date that I feel like I have to go through with it in a way. I also feel like I may just be having a momentary lapse in judgement since I’ve only felt this way for about 2 days, coincidentally so close to my surgery date.
And if I do decide to go through with it, I’ll be annoyed in having to wait longer. My chest may get larger, right now I’m eligible for keyhole.
Plus my mom is really transphobic and she’ll hold it over my head for eternity if I don’t go. And my insurance is covering it completely so if I say I’m questioning, they may decide not to cover it.
But you are correct in saying I do have as much time as I want to consider whether or not this is a good idea. I’m planning on rescheduling if I don’t feel well about this on the 6th... I hope that they don’t get mad if I do, but I think I’ll feel better by then.
Thank you for your response, it makes me feel cared about.
Yeah I understand what you mean. My impatience is irrational in nature, I should wait. I won’t make any promises, but it went from, in my mind, not an option to something I’ll consider over the next couple of days, whether to postpone it or not. I feel a tad unstable, and I’m not sure what’s causing that. Like my thinking isn’t my own. Oh well. ;-; I’ll think about it, thanks for all of your concerns
Oh my gosh the first paragraph sounds like me :| yikes
Yeah, I really don’t want my family to judge me at all and I’m irrationally impatient.
Right now, well, I thought I might just be missing the femininity I used to have, so I shaved my arms and face, plucked my eyebrows, and did some skincare stuff. Got some old big round glasses I used to have and put them on. Got naked and stared at myself in the mirror. I did this all to see how it would feel, and it felt... weird. At first, I saw a pretty girl looking at me. I felt happy, but then I felt dysphoric, and then I feel happy again, and then dysphoric. It’s like I’m changing while I’m looking in the mirror, in live time. Then I started crying because idk what I want, and no one else would know either. So I’m just sad and confused.
I’m more frustrated with the fact that I don’t know what caused me to feel this way. I wish I could just have all of the answers in front of me, because this is just unfair. I mean, why would I change so suddenly? How could I become a different person overnight?
Edit: forgot to say thanks for your response :)
Yeah, I keep notes on my iPhone. I actually looked at them before posting and saw how certain I was. In there was a whole bunch of arguments defending trans related issues, defending my own identity, and showing what gender dysphoria I have. It feels like someone else wrote it now, and I don’t understand. It’s depressing. Thanks for your response
Oh no, you’re very good at explaining things.
Yeah I’m pretty sure I had BPD. My therapist said she could diagnose me for it though because it wasn’t something she could do.
I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, depression (recently came back, went away upon starting testosterone), OCD, would’ve been with BPD, and gender dysphoria. I probably also have ADHD as well, just too impatient to go and get it diagnosed. I haven’t been treated for any of these besides depression (antidepressants, went off of them, transitioning helped) and gender dysphoria (transitioning).
I completely believe this is another BPD phase which is why I feel like ending my life. I’ve had many in my time and when the feeling of complacency wears off into depression, I’m back the square one. I know it sounds dumb and a tad over emotional, but I just can’t handle this feeling and if it doesn’t end, since I hear BPD can’t be cured, it’s just torture.
As far as getting treated, I’m not going to lie, my anxiety is very bad. Talking to people, ESPECIALLY people who knew me before my transition, is difficult. Every therapist at my hospital my insurance covers... they all know me. I’m not going back there, and I can’t afford any other therapists. It’s like I’m too scared to admit I was wrong, and my therapists judge me a lot, I can tell. In some fantasy world I’d just go back in time, dump my bf who sucked (but I was fooled by his looks) and... well... I actually don’t know what I’d do differently. I’ve always been like this, now I’m just like this but on testosterone, which isn’t much different since it’s worn off, the feeling of complacency.
If I do cancel, I’ll have to quit my job. Took 6 weeks off for this, and I won’t be able to face my friends or my boss ever again. Too much shame. I’ll probably cut everyone out of my life.
I mean, I don’t know what to do. I think I may just be having brain fog because of how certain I was until yesterday, and I haven’t really slept. So if I sleep well, I might be certain in the morning.
Thank you, you made me think about a lot.
Yeah, I just feel... damaged. Or like half of a person. Or a fraud, a fake. I guess that’s what I get for making being trans a large part of my identity... now I don’t know what I am.
And I know I don’t have to, I just see it as an easy way out. Dumb, I know, but irrationality is very strong within me.
Thanks for your reply
Yeah, I think I may have actually gotten the flu so I might have no choice in that, lol.
I’m feeling much better about going through with it after doing a ton of soul searching and realizing that I don’t want to do it probably because of my desire to be cis. I think I forget sometimes how bad I felt without testosterone, but other times I feel like my hormones were just weird because of my IUD and now I’m more comfortable. I’m really not sure.
I also tried looking at my surgery individually. I realized that I don’t want to get the surgery because, to me, just wanting to have it removed isn’t enough. I have to have breast cancer for me to feel justified in doing so. I realized that, if I had an excuse like having cancer or some other thing that would require my breasts be removed, I would feel much better. I mean, who would feel good about, say, removing their legs because their legs hurt them mentally? There was a woman who took away her sight (she was on Dr. Phil) because she had that one disorder that makes you want to become disabled, essentially. I bet they would love an excuse to do that without looking crazy.
Thx for your reply, and, like I said in the first paragraph, I’ll probably have to wait anyhow.
Wow, close one. I’m glad you cancelled it as well. I’ve heard pretty sad stories of those who don’t take any hormones who’ve also had hysterectomies. I’m pretty sure you need to take hormones for something (can’t remember at the top of my head), so it’s a really sad situation.
Thanks for your insight