This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or inauthentic.
The user's comments are highly specific, emotionally nuanced, and internally consistent. They describe a complex personal history (being a "well-passing" desister due to a medical condition), share detailed, firsthand anecdotes about surgical outcomes, and offer empathetic, practical advice that aligns with the experiences of someone who has grappled with these issues. The passion and criticism present are consistent with a genuine detransitioner or desister perspective.
About me
I started taking testosterone in my twenties, but a genetic blood clotting disorder gave me a life-threatening pulmonary embolism and forced me to stop. I had always wanted to be male and even considered bottom surgery, but I was scared away after hearing firsthand accounts of devastating complications from other men. My health forced me into detransition, and I struggled with feeling stuck afterwards. Throwing myself into work and traveling during the pandemic helped me find new ways to be myself without binding or surgery. I don't regret my past, but I deeply regret that the real dangers of these procedures aren't discussed more openly.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition and detransition is complicated, and it didn't end with a clear, happy feeling. I was forced to stop taking testosterone in my twenties because of a genetic blood clotting disorder. The hormones, combined with my condition, gave me a bilateral pulmonary embolism. If it weren't for that health risk, I might still be taking T today. In a way, I'm an unwilling desistor.
I've always wished I was born male. I've had dreams about being fully male since I was a kid, and I still pass as male even though I've stopped medically transitioning. That desire for a male body was so strong that I seriously considered phalloplasty. But hearing about other people's experiences with surgery really changed my mind.
Twice, when I was at surgical consultations, I overheard trans guys in distress talking about how they couldn't pee after their operations. That scared me. Doctors never mentioned those kinds of complications. I also have a friend who had a phalloplasty and scrotoplasty that went terribly wrong. He's had so many revisions, mostly for urethral problems, that he can't even sit down and can't work. The whole process has cost over a million dollars, mostly covered by the state. Hearing him talk about it, almost bragging that he's ending up in medical textbooks as a pioneer, made me incredibly sad. It felt like some guys are allowing themselves to become guinea pigs.
Because of all that, I decided not to go for bottom surgery. If I ever did reconsider, I would only do the lowest-risk type where you keep your vagina and original urethra. The "all or nothing" thinking around these procedures is what makes them so harmful. Insurance policies that force you to go all the way to be covered are dooming people to suffer.
Even though I've stopped hormones, I still appear masculine and mostly date women. I struggled a lot with sadness and feeling stuck. What honestly saved me was throwing myself into work. Becoming a workaholic gave me something else to focus on and provided some financial security. I also found that traveling and finding new social contexts was a huge help. During the pandemic, I traveled a lot, and it allowed me to stop binding my chest, which was something I used to do painfully every day. Just like people reinvent themselves when they go to college or move, I found I could do the same by changing my environment. I'm on the autism spectrum, and I think that played a role in how I experienced my identity and my need to find a place where I fit.
I don't have a simple regret about transitioning. My hand was forced by my health. I do regret that the real risks of surgery aren't discussed openly enough. I think society has a stupid obsession with masculinity and penis size that causes a lot of pain. My main thought on gender now is that people should be allowed to be themselves without having to change their bodies in dangerous ways to meet an ideal. There are places where masculinized women are accepted and considered attractive, and finding those communities can be a lifeline.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Childhood | Had recurring dreams about being male. |
| 20s | Started taking testosterone. |
| 20s | Diagnosed with a genetic blood clotting disorder. Suffered a bilateral pulmonary embolism, linked to the condition and hormone use. |
| 20s | Forced to stop testosterone therapy on doctor's orders due to the high health risk. |
| 20s | Attended consultations for bottom surgery but decided against it after hearing about other people's severe complications. |
| During Pandemic (exact age not given) | Traveled extensively, which helped me shift my identity and stop binding my chest. |
Top Comments by /u/Ambitions-as-a-Rider:
Sounds like society has been shitty to you because of society's obsession with masculinity and penis size. Maybe long term our society can overcome such a stupid obsession.
Please know that plenty of people will love you throughout your life, and that there is a lot of hope for you as a young person. Keep strong, know you never need to hurt yourself to appease other people, and good luck friend! <3
Twice when I was getting surgical consultations I would hear a transguy in the lobby or nearby office describing in distress how they can't pee. I decided not to go for it after hearing that. I wish people were up front on statistics--I never heard about these complications from doctors, just FTMs I knew who were suffering.
I have a friend who had a scrotoplasty that went so bad he can't even sit down. He basically can't work now because of it. He has a phalloplasty too that looked great at first, but since then he has had a lot of revisions mostly due to urethral complications which has made it look worse and everything there more painful over time. My friends would all ask this friend undergoing the revisions "Why don't you stop/give up?" And the friend would say "The surgeon keeps saying he is going to make it right and this is pioneering work, I am ending up in medical texts because of this," it just made me so sad, some FTMs literally allow themselves to become guinea pigs.
I still think about having a phalloplasty sometimes because I still appear masculine despite desisting and mostly date female partners. If I do it I'll go for the lowest risk sort (pedicle flap) and try to keep my vagina and structures there in tact. I hear more surgeons are willing to do phalloplasties where you keep your vagina and original urethra. Thankfully. All or nothing thinking is what makes so many of these procedures so harmful. I think there are terms in insurance coverage where it has to be all the way or else it's not considered real SRS and can't be covered. Policies like that doom FTMs to suffer.
There are cities/places where masculinized women are very common, very accepted and considered attractive. Maybe travel and explore a bit so you can find folks who will embrace and accept you. For example, Portland, Oregon is very liberal but also open minded, and I've seen masculinized/queer women in relationships with all sorts of people here.
I was forced to stop taking T by doctor's orders because I have a genetic blood clotting disorder which makes hormones extremely risky. I had a bilateral pulmonary embolism in my 20s because of this genetic disorder plus hormones.
If I had a choice I might still be taking T, I am a sort of unwilling desistor.
"I can't trick my mind to feel happy." I definitely know this feeling, what saved my life honestly was becoming a workaholic. There is a labor shortage that is going to get more severe over time, so getting a job, any job, is typically easy. Jobs can take your mind off the sadness, and it also grants you money as a result, which can help make you happier. Just my advice, good luck and much love.
The friend with all the SRS has said (almost in a bragging tone but I will give him the benefit of the doubt) that all of his procedures have cost more than $1 million dollars, mostly covered by the state (California). I am so sympathetic to the desire to have a dick, I am very well passing still as a transmale desistor, and I legitimately wish I were born male and have had dreams about being fully male since I was a kid. But the rational, unselfish part of me can't imagine incurring more than $1 million dollars in charges, and insurmountable pain, in the effort to get a dick. Excuse my language just being clear. The film you mention is a good analogy to the situation here.
Just like how a lot of people come out as a certain identity when they go off to college, because they are surrounded by new people and can reinvent themselves, you can do the same thing. Traveling or finding new social contexts can help you become a new person. You are at a good point in your life to do this. Just like a lot of trans people don't tell family or old friends when they start transitioning, you can do the same when you start detransitioning if it helps you feel safe. I traveled a lot during the pandemic and it helped me shift my identity a bit, like stopping binding (which I used to do every day and was painful to me).
TLDR traveling / finding new friends and social contexts where you can start reinventing yourself can help.
PS I am on the spectrum too and relate to a lot of what you wrote, thank you for being brave and sharing.
The point is applying yourself, anywhere, as best as you can, might help. If school doesn't motivate you, maybe work/a job might help as I mentioned. It might even give you the confidence to do better at school, it will help you build a resume, and it will grant some security.
I just hope you can try, and keep on going. I don't know your exact circumstances, but I do know from my own experiences and friends that if you are feeling so low that you are thinking about death, there is no way to go but up, so long as you live, by definition. By definition, it can only get better from here, there is a lot of runway left in your life. Please try your best, there are people rooting for you.
This is interesting because my girlfriend is actually German, she applied for emancipation or moved, can't quite recall, I am sure there are also folks you can reach out to over there who can help with such things. But completely acknowledging the difficulty of your situation at this point. Please stay strong and don't give up you seem like an interesting person.