My friend you seem like an incredibly caring and discerning individual. Nothing at all in your post seems hateful in the slightest.

It’s good that you’re questioning the woke culture. That you’re realizing people can wear whatever they want, act however they want, make friends with whoever they want, and it doesn’t make them a different gender. This is a good, healthy thing.

Showing concern for your friend is just about the least toxic thing you can do.

Here’s the thing. People in the trans community, in the woke culture in general, are quick to label anything that mildly disagrees with their views as “transphobic” (or whatever word applies to the particular group).

Like, for instance, a friend of mine once posted about how she thought two male characters, who a fandom often shipped, worked better as friends in her mind. How there’s a lot of value in healthy male friendships portrayed in media and they should be portrayed. Everyone in the comments? Called her a homophobe. Is she? No! And she wasn’t saying that being gay is bad, or that people shipping them were bad, or even that she hated the ship! She just said that she didn’t ship the characters, and that male friendships are important.

So, would your woke friends think you’re a transphobe? ..Maybe. But are you? No! You’re not! You are thinking like a kind, mature, discerning individual. You show a very healthy concern for your friend’s transition. You are doing great. Please don’t shove down your thoughts or hate yourself thinking them because they are very good thoughts to have.

I don’t know if the statements are true or not, but the real problem is using statements like these as scare tactics to avoid nuanced discussion.

I hear parents say they let their child transition because the doctor said they might kill themselves if they didn’t. And sometimes even detransitioners say they did it because their doctor said they might kill themselves. This does not lead to good decision making, they just do it out of fear. Now, granted, parents being mean and refusing just to refuse doesn’t help either (probably why the tactic was created). But we need to focus on helping people have nuanced conversations and healthy decision making

I think it could be because, for a lot of people, those two things seem like equals, not opposites.

For a long time I thought when people said things like gender “non-conforming” or “gender doesn’t exist” they were referring to trans and non-binary people.

I didn’t realize that meant “you can express yourself in whatever way you want. Sex exists, but all the stereotypes we put on what it means to be a man/woman are social constructs. Go forth and like makeup if you’re a man, like football if you’re a woman, etc., don’t put yourself in a box.” Learning that is life changing. But it took coming here, after years of people saying those words and not me understanding them, to get it.

Also, even if it’s becoming more accepted, in general it’s very hard for people to accept that either gender can do whatever they want, so in a way it’s easier to create new boxes—“Im gender non-conforming, I don’t fit into the normal gender box, I must be trans/non-binary.”

If others are anything like me, they don’t need to be told “it’s okay to be gender non-conforming” or “gender doesn’t exist” because that will be translated as “it’s okay to be trans/non-binary.” (Not, “the boxes don’t exist” but “it’s okay to be in a new box”). They need to be told things like “it’s okay to be a guy with traditionally feminine interests and qualities” and “it’s okay to be a girl with traditionally masculine interests and qualities.”

My advice would honestly be to get a new therapist. I know folks on Reddit can be very quick to go to extremes, but I genuinely mean that

You are paying for this therapist to help you. If that aren’t helping you…then their services aren’t worth paying for.

As far as I know, therapists are never meant to interject their own ideologies into your sessions. At least, not unless you ask them to. They are meant to listen and ask questions. If a therapist is telling you “well you’re non-binary and that’s that”…again, they’re not doing their job. You are meant to come to your own conclusion about that, and they are supposed to help you on your journey, not tell you exactly what and how to think.

I know that finding a therapist that fits you (or even just a good therapist) can be difficult, as well as expensive. But this is a service you’re paying for, and if you aren’t getting the service you want, you should take your money somewhere else. It may take multiple tries to find a therapist who fits you, but when you do it’ll be more than helpful.

I found my therapist through this website https://www.sexualwholeness.com/abcst-find-a-therapist#!directory/map/ord=lnm. She is wonderful, and she never pushes her beliefs on me. I can’t promise every therapist on this website is like that, but it’s a good place to start at least

Yes!! My first introduction to the detrans community was a book I read, and in the book the author either explained or quoted that transition is the opposite of what doctors do for every other mental illness, and that transition is in effect working with a mental illness, and it was one of the most powerful and eye opening ideas I ever heard about transition

Please don’t kill yourself.

Everyone commenting here cares about you enough to stop what they’re doing, and say we don’t want you to die. That seems to be more people who care about you than you think exist. Even strangers care about you.

And we don’t care about you because you’re a man or because you’re a woman. But because you’re human. You’re just you. And that’s enough.

I am not a lesbian, nor someone who transitioned because of sexual trauma. I may not be able to understand you fully, but I see many similarities between our situations, and can understand you at least in part.

Something that has been steadily helping me is realizing all the ways in which men and women are the same. Society has taught us that we’re different species. But we’re not. So many things about men and women are not different at all. There’s no such thing as a male brain and a female brain. We’re just people. Of course there are differences, but not as many as the world (whether you’re liberal or conservative) wants you to think. The more I look and men and women as different, the more agony I feel. It seems you might be in a similar place. It’s worth exploring, if you think you can.

Tell me something. It probably feels like you hate everything right now. But think about it. Do you hate your favorite tv show? Your favorite movie? Your favorite song?

Do you think you could do something for me? I’m not going to ask you to muster up the courage to keep living…because it doesn’t work that way. But something I can ask you to do is…try to make your life better by 1% every day. Just 1%. Find some minuscule thing you can do to make your life a little more enjoyable, even though you don’t have the strength to find it overall enjoyable right now. Whether that’s taking a break from social media, or that’s petting a cute cat. Doesn’t matter as long as it’s a small thing that makes life feel more like living than just surviving.

Lastly, I’m also going to play the same card the top commenter did: please talk to God. He truly does love you. Religious people often make you feel like crap, like you’re not good enough. Not doing enough. But I assure you that’s not how God feels about you. He loves you just as you are. He loves you in and through this struggle—He doesn’t hate you for having the thoughts you’re having. He came down from heaven and died the worst possible death for your sake, and He’d do it all again for you alone. He adores you. And I don’t believe He wants you to die today. And nor do I or anyone here.

Having been in ops shoes before—and still experiencing those feelings 10 years later—I feel the need to point out that saying “welcome to puberty, wait a couple years” is very unhelpful and often rather has negative effects instead. I understand that puberty is those things, and op might indeed grow out of it. But “Lol yeah it sucks, wait a couple years” is incredibly dismissive, and feels like you’re saying their feelings don’t matter. And, if op is anything like me, such a response will only send them into an even worse dysphoria spiral.

Op is experiencing dysphoria now. it doesn’t matter if it’ll go away in a few years, what matters is that they need help and comfort this year, and that’s why they’re here.

I’m sorry I don’t have an advice for you, op. As I said, I’m in the same boat as you. I wish people were giving you more helpful advice, (not least of which because I need that advice too).

Going on this subreddit has been the most helpful thing for me personally for sticking to my decision not to transition. I’d say join it and just read peoples posts when they come up, and continue to post about your own feelings when you are struggling with something in particular. Also look in to the side effects of hrt. There are a lot of them and most aren’t good.

I wish you the best of luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this ❤️

I’m not sure if this is a dumb answer, but…have you explained to them in detail the pain being called by your birth name causes you? If they think you’re just picking a new name, (especially since your parents gave you your birth name, and may feel a bit sad/hurt to hear you’re not going to go by it anymore), they might not have much incentive to put in the effort to use your chosen name. But if they know it’s because your birth name causes you genuine pain to hear, they might feel more compelled to put in the effort to call you by your chosen name.

Thank you for asking us and looking for unbiased opinions. Im not medically transitioned so I can’t truly comment, but I hate to see this post getting downvotes. I think this community should encourage people like you who are questioning and wanting to learn of other perspectives

Thank you for doing your research and reaching out!!

So, like one of the other commenters said, I think asking if you’re a “real trans person” is the wrong question. If you medically transition, you will be a biological male who medically and socially transitioned into being a woman. Unfortunately, as much as you want it (as much as many of us here did or do) you cannot biologically become the opposite gender. So what you have to ask yourself is, can you live with that? Can you live with the fact that you’ll never be a biological woman? Can you live with being a trans woman? And do you think medically transitioning will create a better life for you? Not just in that you hope it will, but practically you see it improving your life? I think these questions will give you a better sense of transition is for you.

Sometimes the trans community will try to downplay the experiences of detrans people by saying they weren’t “actually trans.” I do not personally believe this is the case. Medical transition is one potential treatment for gender dysphoria. It helps some people and hurts others.

As others have said, especially because you’re young, please seek out a therapist first. Preferably one who will neither push you to transition, or push you away from it, if you can find one. Gender dysphoria is a mental issue first and foremost. And I am of the opinion that you should pursue the mental aspect, and discover why you feel the way you do, before taking physical steps. After you have done that mental leg work, then you can either have more confidence in getting these permanent physical changes, or you might be glad you didn’t irreversibly change yourself because you learned it didn’t come from where you thought, or you learned other ways to cope.

Gender dysphoria is (I think) the only mental disorder for which the solution is to change your body to fit the feelings in the mind. Don’t get me wrong, that solution can help some people. But it is one possible treatment, and it should not be the only one. Addressing it therapy (like you would any mental disorder) should be the first step that is taken. And through that therapy (again, as long as your therapist isn’t the kind that will immediately say “yup, time to transition”) you can learn if medical transition would be the best treatment for you personally.