My whole journey with this started because I never fit in as a girl. I got bullied a lot for not dressing or looking feminine enough, and that really messed with my head. Even now, as an adult, I get weird looks and feel discriminated against when I'm out in public. People have always seen me as a guy, no matter what I do, which made me feel like I couldn't even be my own gender right. I was born female, but that never felt like it matched how the world saw me or how I felt inside.

I think a lot of my desire to transition was an escape from all that harassment. I thought if I couldn't stop people from seeing me as male, then maybe I should just become one. So I decided to transition. I started taking testosterone. At first, it felt like I was finally doing what I needed to do.

But the medical problems started pretty quickly and were really scary. My bones and joints hurt all the time. I had terrible headaches and bad nosebleeds. I had cramps constantly. I tried to tell my doctors about these issues, but they just ignored me for months. I felt completely abandoned by the medical system that was supposed to be helping me. It’s scary how they make it seem so safe when they’re really still figuring out the long-term effects. You can't trust them; you have to look out for yourself.

I had to make a choice: continue harming my body or stop. I decided to stop taking testosterone. I’m depressed that I can’t live as a male, but I’m happier now that I’m healthy. I’d rather live in a body I’m learning to be comfortable in than a body I’m harming every day. I’m just starting to accept my body for how it is.

A big part of that acceptance has been about my genitals. Even before testosterone, I was always embarrassed because my lips and clitoris were bigger than what I thought was "normal." There's this expectation for how female genitalia should look to be attractive, and I never met it. Being on T made things more pronounced, but I’ve realized that no one should be ashamed. Women without any hormone issues can have big clits too; every woman's body is different.

Socially, it’s been complicated. My family has been great; they saw me as female again with open arms. But it's been hard with one friend in particular. We were friends for five years and dated for about four of those years. When I decided to transition, she tried to stay with me but couldn't because she saw me as a guy. Now that I've stopped, she's confused and uncomfortable with seeing me as a girl again. She's having a hard time switching my name and pronouns back, which is funny because she had trouble with it when I first asked her to use male terms. I'm hoping she'll come around with more time. In public, everyone sees me as female now.

I do have regrets. I wish I hadn't had so many medical issues because if I didn't, I would probably still be transitioning. I'm still trying to figure stuff out and get over the depression of not being able to live as a male. But I’ve made peace with my body. It just sucks that the need to escape bullying and discrimination led me down such a difficult path.

Here is a timeline of the main events: