My whole journey with this started when I was a teenager. I was really uncomfortable with my body, especially when I developed a large chest. It caused me a lot of physical pain on top of the mental distress. I didn't like being a girl and I felt like I didn't fit in. I spent a lot of time online and ended up in social circles with a lot of other young trans people. It felt like I had finally found a place where I belonged, and the acceptance I got from them was really intense. I came to believe that I was trans and started socially transitioning. I lived as a guy for about four years.

My mom wouldn't let me start hormones, which in hindsight was probably a good thing. After those four years, I started to really question everything. I realized that a big part of my desire to transition was rooted in childhood trauma. I also saw that a huge number of people in these spaces, including me, were neurodivergent or autistic. I think for a lot of us, it wasn't about a deep-seated gender identity, but about not fitting in, wanting that sense of community, and not presenting our gender in a way that satisfied other adults.

I decided to step back from the trans activist circles and the online groups. I told myself I would just dress and act how I liked, and if the dysphoria came back, I could always pursue medical transition later. But a funny thing happened once I disconnected from that environment: my dysphoria lessened a lot. It didn't completely go away—I still don't particularly like being female and I still hate my breasts—but it became much more manageable.

When I desisted, I lost almost all of my friends. They were mostly from queer groups, and they took it as a betrayal or thought I was giving in to transphobia. It was incredibly isolating and scary to be suddenly alone, but it forced me to go out and find new friends who didn't know me from before. It was better to be myself alone than to be someone else with everybody else. Even now, some people who knew me then will ask why I still look and act like a guy if I'm not trans anymore. It's frustrating because it feels like they'd rather I be a man than a woman who is just non-conforming.

I'm bisexual, and I've come to see that being gay or bi is entirely different from being trans, even though they get lumped together. One is about who you love, and the other is about who you are. I think the idea that if you question your gender you must be trans is ridiculous. It puts so much pressure on people.

I don't regret exploring my identity, but I do have some regrets about the whole process. I regret how quickly everything moved and how there was no real therapy or deep questioning encouraged. They'll let just about anyone start hormones without really digging into the reasons why. I regret the friends I lost and the time I spent living as someone I wasn't entirely sure about. I still struggle with my chest and I plan to have a reduction or full removal for my own comfort, and that sometimes makes me question if I was right to desist. But overall, I know I made the right choice for me by stepping back. My thoughts on gender now are that it's a lot more complicated than we're led to believe, and for some people, like me, discomfort with your body or your role in society doesn't always mean you were born in the wrong one.