My journey with gender started in my early teens, around 14. I felt a deep discomfort with my body when puberty began, especially with the development of my breasts. I hated them; they felt foreign and wrong on me. At the same time, I was struggling with severe depression and anxiety. I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, and I had very low self-esteem. I spent a huge amount of time online, and that’s where I was first introduced to the concept of being transgender.

Looking back, I think a lot of my feelings were mixed up with other problems. I now believe I am autistic, though I wasn't diagnosed at the time. The social confusion and the intense discomfort with the physical changes of my body made the idea of being a different gender very appealing. It felt like an escape, a way to solve all my problems and become a completely new person. I also think internalized homophobia played a role, as the idea of being a masculine woman was presented as less valid than being a trans man in the spaces I was in.

I started identifying as non-binary first, around age 16, because it felt like a less permanent step. But the online communities I was in and some friends I had kept pushing the idea that if I was really trans, I would need to medically transition to be valid. I started to believe that my body was the source of all my pain. I began taking testosterone when I was 18. I was convinced it was the only way to be happy.

For a while, I did feel better. The changes from testosterone felt like confirmation that I was on the right path. I got top surgery at 20. I thought it would finally fix everything, that I would look in the mirror and see the real me. But after the initial high wore off, the same old feelings of depression and anxiety were still there. I had changed my body, but I hadn't fixed my mind.

The turning point for me was when I started to seriously step back from porn and social media. I had used them both heavily as a form of escapism, and I realized they had completely warped my perception of bodies and identity. The perfect, curated bodies I saw online made me hate my own even more. I started to understand that my discomfort might not have been true gender dysphoria, but a mix of body dysmorphia, trauma, and the normal difficulties of growing up.

I began to question everything. I started to see that "gender" as an identity is not a provable thing. Sex is a biological reality. I came to believe that my personality—being a masculine woman who likes "guy" things—doesn't change my sex. There are no such things as masculine hobbies or clothes; they're just things. I realized I could be a woman and be exactly who I am.

I stopped testosterone at 22. I don't regret exploring my identity, but I deeply regret the permanent changes to my body. The top surgery is irreversible, and the hormones have left me with a permanently deeper voice and facial hair. I am likely infertile, which is a profound loss I have to live with. I benefited greatly from therapy that was not affirming, but instead helped me untangle my trauma, autism, and self-esteem issues from the concept of gender.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's a social concept, not a biological one. We can have any personality we want without needing to change our bodies. For me, transitioning was a drastic solution to problems that needed psychological care. I don't think everyone who transitions regrets it, but for me, it was a mistake based on confusion, outside influence, and a desperate search for an escape from pain.

Here is a timeline of my journey: