My journey with transition and detransition has been long and complicated, and I’m still figuring things out. I was born female and for a long part of my adult life, I identified and lived as a transgender man. I was on testosterone for five years and I also had a full hysterectomy.

When I first transitioned, I think I was searching for a way to feel comfortable in my own skin. Looking back at old photos, I see a person who was beautiful and seemed genuinely happy, and it makes me sad that I felt the need to change that. Achieving a more masculine appearance, something I thought I wanted, ultimately just left me feeling empty, like a shopper's remorse but for my own body. It didn’t solve the deeper issues I was struggling with.

I’ve been off testosterone for over eight months now, and it’s been a difficult adjustment. My energy levels are very low and I’ve lost some muscle mass. My libido has plummeted, which for me is actually a relief. I’m also taking Finasteridril to help prevent further hair loss, which was a concern from the T. The most frustrating part is this overwhelming feeling of unhappiness and wondering if I can ever get back to a place of real contentment. I’m in my thirties now, and it feels like I’ve lost a lot of time.

The hysterectomy is my biggest regret because it’s completely irreversible and has left me infertile. While time can reverse some effects of testosterone, it can't give me back what was removed. I’m currently on a waiting list to see an endocrinologist to hopefully start estrogen, to help my body find some balance again.

Socially, things are hard too. I identify as a lesbian, but dating is a huge challenge. My mastectomy scars are a constant issue. I’ve been told, “I only date real women,” and asked if I’m sure I’m not actually a trans man. People sometimes assume the scars are from breast cancer, and when I tell them they’re not, they lose interest. As a butch lesbian, my somewhat masculine appearance is okay, but not having breasts is a deal-breaker for so many people, which is really isolating.

Even though transition wasn’t the right path for me, I don’t turn my back on the trans community. I still have friends there and I even share posts online advocating for trans law reform in my country. I believe that just because it was a mistake for me doesn’t mean it is for everyone.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's a very personal and complex thing. For me, my discomfort was less about being a man and more about other issues I hadn’t dealt with. I do have regrets, primarily the permanent surgery I can't take back, but I'm trying to focus on moving forward and making peace with the body I have now.

Here is a timeline of my journey: