My whole journey with this started because I never felt right in my body as a girl. When I went through puberty, I was told that all girls develop wide hips and a defined waist, but my body never did that. I felt abnormal and broken, like my body was wrong. Identifying as non-binary gave me a huge sense of relief because it felt like there was no longer a standard I had to live up to. My hips weren't weirdly small for a girl anymore; they were just my hips.

A lot of my transition was influenced by the people I was with. I was in a relationship with a trans woman, and I came out as non-binary partly because I wanted to feel closer to her. After we broke up, I started testosterone. Looking back, I think a part of me did it to stay in her world and maybe even to get her attention. I thought a drastic change would make me feel connected to that life again.

I also gained a whole new community and friends by transitioning. I had a new partner who was really into me being a 'boygirl'. For a while, it felt like I finally belonged somewhere. But that community could be a really difficult place. I once tried to talk about autogynephilia (AGP) with an ex, and the reaction was horrible. I was made to feel like the most evil, transphobic person alive for even mentioning it, even though I was seeing some of those patterns in people who were mistreating me.

I started to feel like there was a real problem with how trans women and other people born male treated those of us born female. They would often encourage messing around with hormones, making it sound like testosterone was harmless and completely reversible. They didn't seem to recognize or care that it's different for us and the effects are permanent. My male friends were always the ones to flippantly suggest surgery whenever I expressed any mild discontent with my body, and if I objected, they'd dismiss it as internalized transphobia.

I stayed on testosterone for a year, and now I have to live with the consequences. I've permanently fucked up my voice. I'm also worried about potential long-term health complications I might not even know about yet. I did all of this because I wanted to be loved and accepted by a group of people who ended up abandoning me anyway. The cognitive dissonance of realizing all this was brutal.

Leaving that world behind was hard. I tried to move on and even joined a female-only discussion group, which felt like a positive step. But then that group started getting harassed and infiltrated by trans rights activists, which was incredibly frustrating. It felt like I couldn't escape the politics and pressure anywhere.

Now, looking back, I see my transition wasn't really about having a male brain in a female body. It was about deep-seated issues: discomfort with puberty, low self-esteem, and a desperate need to belong somewhere. I was trying to escape my own body and my problems. I absolutely have regrets. I regret taking testosterone and permanently changing my body for a community that wasn't healthy for me. I don't regret exploring my identity, but I deeply regret the medical steps I took.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's a lot more complicated than I was led to believe. For me, it was more about social and personal issues than an innate identity. I'm just trying to live as myself now, without any labels, and deal with the permanent changes I made.