This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic.
There are no red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic user. The comments display:
- Personal, detailed narratives with specific timelines (e.g., "2 years on T," "off for almost four months").
- Complex, evolving emotions that are consistent with a detransition experience (e.g., grief, regret, self-forgiveness, dissociation linked to trauma).
- Internal consistency across posts regarding their history and timeline.
- Authentic engagement with other users' posts, offering empathetic advice and sharing relatable experiences.
The user's passion and strong feelings are consistent with a genuine detransitioner who has experienced significant harm and is processing that trauma.
About me
I was born female but always felt disconnected from being a girl, a feeling that was really my mind protecting me from past trauma. I thought transitioning to male was the answer, but after two years on testosterone, I only felt more lost and confused. I realized I needed to be a visible woman to connect with people, so I stopped hormones. Now, I finally feel a true joy and kinship with other women, something I never thought was possible. I'm learning to forgive myself and accept my changed body as I move forward.
My detransition story
My entire journey with transition and detransition was a long and confusing process of trying to solve one problem, only to realize I was actually dealing with something else entirely.
I was born female, and from a very young age, I felt a deep disconnect from being a girl. In kindergarten, I always shunned female roles in games and pretended to be the dad or a male character. As I grew up, this feeling didn't go away. On the surface, I was very feminine; I liked dressing up, wearing makeup, and I was always perceived as a feminine woman. I dated men and had some flings with women, though I realize now I wasn't truly into them.
But underneath that, I felt a total absence where my sense of being a woman should have been. It was like a gaping hole. I felt like a 'man' or a 'not-woman' in relation to other people, and it made me feel like a complete fraud, especially with romantic partners. I felt dishonest claiming to be a woman. I now understand this was a form of dissociation, a way my mind protected me from my past.
I suffered a lot of misogynistic abuse and hatred for my femininity when I was a young girl. I think I distanced myself from being a woman as a way to survive that trauma. I tragically wasn't able to be aware that I actually enjoyed my femininity because it was buried under so much pain. My discomfort with puberty and my body, especially hating my breasts, felt like a sign that I was trans. I thought transitioning was the only way I could ever comfortably express myself.
So, I started identifying as a trans man and began testosterone. I was on T for two years. During that time, I felt awful about the hormonal changes. My voice dropped, I grew a lot of upper body muscle, and my shoulders got broader. I suffered through it because I was convinced it would eventually feel right and because my therapist at the time was pushing me to continue. I even went through all the initial consultations for top surgery.
But I was deeply confused about why I didn't like the changes. Looking back, transitioning made me self-isolate because I wasn't actually trans. It was a desperate attempt at self-expression that ultimately made me feel more lost. I had this weird dual identity that caused me great suffering.
The breaking point came a few times. Last summer, I was hanging out with a bisexual woman and we showed each other pictures of ourselves pre-transition. When she complimented how my female body looked in the photo, I felt a deep sense of wrongness about my current male presentation. I realized I wanted to go back to looking like an attractive woman. A few weeks later, my hairdresser was chatting with me about feminine things like getting nails done and complimented my skin. I went home feeling completely messed up and realized I needed to be visibly a woman to connect with people.
Quitting testosterone felt like waking up after a major accident. I asked myself, "what happened?" It was like something else had been at the wheel—my childhood trauma protection instincts. I stopped T over four months ago, and it’s been a process of physical and mental change.
Physically, going off T was immediate. It felt like gravity increased; everything felt heavier and I got tired much more easily, which I think is due to having less red blood cells. My skin changed color too; on T it was pinkish with reddish-brown moles, and now it’s back to pale yellow with dark brown moles. My upper body muscle mass is still significant—I’m still much stronger than I was before T and my shoulders are still broad, though they’ve slimmed down a little around my neck. I’m told it can take up to two years for my face and body to look fully feminine again, and I’m looking forward to that. I’ve started laser hair removal on my face.
Mentally, the change has been profound. I finally feel like a woman and feel a real kinship with other women. It gives me joy. I rewatched Lord of the Rings and when I saw characters like Arwen and Eowyn, I felt like "I'm one of them!" I used to feel nothing or estranged, but now I feel like a woman spectator. I get intense gender euphoria when people call me 'she/her'. I can finally integrate compliments on my appearance, which used to make me feel like an impostor. I’ve been told I have a "beautiful face" and a "good face for short hair," which feels nice to hear now.
I do struggle sometimes. I hyperfixate on my appearance and how different I look now compared to pre-T. I had to remove my bathroom mirror and put a sticker on my phone's front camera to stop taking unflattering selfies that feed into that. I mourn the loss of my original voice, but I'm working with a speech therapist. I also kind of like that my voice is now deep enough to break people's expectations of me; it makes me feel safe, like I have one foot out the door of a prison of bodily femininity I felt trapped in.
I have some regrets about transitioning. I regret losing my late twenties to this process and that I’ll have to wait years to physically detransition back as much as possible. But I am also learning to forgive myself. Looking at my history of trauma, it makes sense that I had to go to hell and back to finally integrate my true sense of gender. I benefited from finally understanding my trauma, even if the therapy I had during transition was affirming when it shouldn't have been. I don't regret it because it led me to where I am now, but the price was very high.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Early Childhood | Always chose male roles in pretend play, felt disconnected from being a girl. |
| Puberty | Felt intense discomfort with my body and hated developing breasts. |
| Late Teens/Early 20s | Presented as a feminine woman but felt a "gaping hole" and no connection to womanhood. Dated men but felt like a fraud. |
| 20s | Identified as a trans man and began testosterone (T) therapy. |
| 2 years on T | Was on testosterone for two years. Underwent initial consultations for top surgery. Felt awful about the changes but was pushed to continue. |
| 26 (approx) | Quit testosterone after 2 years. Breaking point was realizing I needed to be a visible woman to connect with others. |
| 26 (4 months off T) | Started laser hair removal on face. Began voice training with a speech therapist. Starting to feel joy in being a woman. |
| Present (27 approx) | ~5 months off T. Physically detransitioning, learning to accept my changed body and integrate the experience. |
Top Comments by /u/Atalaunta:
I can kinda relate in that I had this weird dual identity for years that caused me great suffering. On the one hand I was very feminine, liked dressing up, makeup, and was perceived as very feminine, dated men (also had short flings with women but like you, I dont think I was truly into them, although it was fun). On the other hand I felt no connection to my body the way that I felt I should and from when I was in kindergarten shunned female roles in play pretend games (e.g I played the dad) and theatre, opting instead for the male role. I felt like a 'man' or 'not-woman' in relationship to other people, that was bothering me because it truly made me feel I was being dishonest by claiming I was a woman. Especially when it came to romantic and sexual partners. And I did not feel like a woman, I felt 'nothing', an absence, where there should be something. A gaping hole.
After I quit my transition, two years on testosterone in and I had done all the initial consultations for surgical interventions, I can retroactively attest that I felt like shit about all the hormonal changes (but I suffered through because I thought it would get better and I was confused why I didnt like it + was pushed by my therapist). I now understand I have suffered from dissociation in regards to my own identity. I was treated with so much hatred regarding my femininity, even as a young girl, that I distanced myself from it. I tragically was was not able to be aware that I enjoyed my femininity bc of trauma. The realization thT I wasnt trans felt like I woke up after a major accident. I also asked myself the question 'what happened?' I did it all myself, but because something other than me was at the wheel so to speak, a childhood trauma protection thing.
I wanted to transition to be able to comfortably express my femininity and sexuality, but transitioning made me self isolate bc Im not trans. It was a desperate attempt to sepf expression. Glad I discovered my identity after all, but the price was high!
This is my current theory! It became a bit long but maybe some of it is relevant to you.
i read through your story, and what I am wondering about is, how are you so sure that your brother is going to kill himself out of shame? Has your brother struggled with suicidality and shame before?
You make me think of my sister I cut contact with my entire family years ago, but started talking with my sister again after a while. She had sent me a card and I responded to her. When we met up she told me she wondered whether I had already killed myself. Months before, maybe even a year, she had heard about someone in my city jumping off a building and she assumed that was me. I was flabbergasted because 1. why the fuck didn't she check in as soon as she heard, she knows where I live and 2. I had never thought about killing myself and I didn't understand where she got the idea. I still don't.
Early childhood trauma can cause serious anxieties about losing the people around us. I have been through an extremely traumatic childhood as well, and my siblings as well.
I personally would not have had a problem with my sister checking in with me if she were afraid I was suicidal so I could reassure her. I would rather have that than have her worried about me without reason. Perhaps you could tell your brother about your worries, despite the subject being taboo.
Ooof this resonates. Thank you for writing this out.
I also struggle with appreciating that I found my gender identity, while also deeply wishing that I had not medically transitioned about it. Although I notice I am coming to terms with it. I am learning how to forgive myself, and am beginning to feel like it will be alright (5 months off T).
Looking at my family / history of (misogynistic) abuse, it kinda makes sense to me that I had to travel to hell and back before I was able to integrate my felt sense of gender.
I now finally feel like a woman, and feel kinship with other women, and it gives me joy! I rewatched LOTR earlier this week, and whenever I saw Arwen, Eowyn or Galadriel on screen I felt like 'I'm one of them!!!' I used to feel nothing, or a sense or estrangement, but now I /feel/ I am a woman spectator, if that makes sense. Appreciating women characters. It's nice. I also feel intense gender euphoria when people call me 'she/her'. Like hell yeah! That's me!!!!
We were on T for the same amount of time! I'm four months off atm. I also stopped before getting surgeries.
I'm currently struggling with comparing myself with how I looked pre T and feeling bad about myself. So my questions are focused around that.
When did you feel like detransitioning reached its full effect? I was told that I should wait at least two years for my face and body to look feminine again. Is that true in your experience?
How do you feel now about the way your face and body looks?
Did you manage to make peace with your transition? I have a hard time accepting that I took hormones for so long! Wondering if I can integrate that experience.
I RELATE SO MUCH!!!
Last summer, I showed a bi woman a picture of my body (trying on bathing suits) from when I was still presenting as a feminine woman. We were hanging out in a park. Back then, I still identified as a trans man (already questioning). She also showed me pictures of herself pre transitioning. When she complimented me on how my body looked, I felt this deep sense of wrongness of my current presentation. I wanted to go back looking like my picture. To an attractive woman.
My breaking point was a few weeks later. My chatty hairdresser complimented me on my 'glass marble' skin and chatted about getting her nails done and stuff and I went home feeling all fucked up. Back home I realized I needed to be a woman to connect to people. It needed to be visible. I needed to express myself as a woman.
Before I transitioned, I felt this deep sense of wrongness with my body and gender. I never wanted to show it off or be perceived really. I couldn't accept / enjoy that I was beautiful. But something has changed now. I can suddenly see how pretty I was, still am and I want to flaunt that now!
I have been off T and detransitioning for four months now and I have already been getting compliments on my looks. I have been told twice I have a 'beautiful face', and I have heard many times that I 'have a good face for short hair' (I recently stopped wearing a wig), which I humbly take to mean the same thing lol. It's nice.
I heard that all the time before transitioning, and then it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like an impostor in a female body. Idk why that changed, but now I can integrate those compliments!
Ive been on T for 2 years btw. Also no surgeries. I'm also hoping I'll 'recover'. I won't mind if I retain some muscle. I have already achieved a voice that registers as female on the phone. My face hasn't yet fully reverted back to what it was yet, looking forward to that.
I also feel bad about losing my late twenties transitioning, and that I'll have to wait another two years to physically detransition back as much as possible. But I am already glad to be back.
Thanks for taking the time to respond! I have actually removed my bathroom mirror last week and hid it into the other room lol, so I don't think your suggestion is odd. My biggest problem now is making unflattering selfies of myself in which I angle the camera so that I look uh, not good. Can't stop myself. I'm going to adapt your advice and go put a sticker on the front facing camera. That will probably help to get me through this hyperfixation.
Thanks for the reassurances.
The second point is definitely true. When I talked about my shoulders to an irl friend who knew me pre transition, he told me 'you are the only one that notices that your shoulders are wider'. Not sure if I believe that, but it made me realize that other people likely simply don't care. The only person who knows how significantly different I look now vs. before transition is myself. Upper body muscle mass is the most visibly striking change. I think I must process that change.
I quit T after two years over four months ago. After I did, it felt like gravity suddenly got turned to a higher setting lol, everything I did was noticably heavier. I get tired faster from physical effort.
However, I assume that has more to do with having less blood/red blood cells (haemoglobin?) than with muscle mass. My upper body is still broad. It has slimmed down a little around my neck. I am still way stronger than I was pre T, can still lift things that were impossible for me before. I don't do shit; only lift practical things like grocery bags and occasionally move around furniture. Granted, I have only been off for four months.
I have read a LOT on muscle mass after T because I wanted to see how long it took before I would go back to my old body. It seems that even if you do not work out, losing muscle is difficult.
Not on topic but the blood thing fascinates me. Pre T, and now, my white skin is pale yellow, and my freckles and moles are dark brown. On T, my skin was pinkish and my freckles and moles were a bright reddish brown.
I have been complimented on my appearance and voice combo in the same way you have (on T for two years, off for almost four months) and I am enjoying it. I started laser on my face just this week. So I can't relate to your exact situation.
But I maybe have something similar with my voice.
I am voice training with a speech therapist and I am still mourning the loss of my voice, but honestly, it also kinda makes me feel safe that I have access to this deep male register so I could break someone's expectation of me if I wanted to. And that my general speaking voice, while it seems to come across as a woman's voice, is 'odd', and I kinda like that it could be perceived as different / unwomanly / a turn off.
It's like having one foot out the door, where I used to be 'trapped' in a prison of bodily femininity.
I would not go so far as retransition, but an important reason why I initially transitioned was to escape being perceived as a desirable woman against my will. Is it perhaps like that?