This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor.
The user's posts are highly detailed, emotionally nuanced, and internally consistent over time. They describe a complex, non-linear personal journey with specific medical, psychological, and social details (e.g., specific dosages, hormonal effects, shifts in sexuality, a diagnosis of BPD) that align with known detransition experiences. The language is conversational, includes personal anecdotes, and expresses a range of genuine emotions like fear, regret, and introspection. The account does not exhibit the patterns of propaganda, repetition, or agenda-pushing that are common in inauthentic accounts.
About me
I always felt more like a girl than a boy, so I started taking estrogen when I was 18. The hormones made my pre-existing mental health conditions much worse and even changed my sexuality, which made me start to appreciate my natural male self for the first time. I ignored that feeling and stayed on hormones for seven months, which I now regret. I stopped because I wanted to be myself again and my mind is much clearer now. I’m learning to accept my male body, though I still struggle with the physical changes from the estrogen.
My detransition story
My whole journey with this has been complicated, and looking back, I can see how many different pieces fit together. I’ve always felt a huge disconnect from other guys and completely related to and understood girls. When I was a teenager, I went through an emo/scene phase, and that was my gateway into wearing girls' clothes because I thought they were so much more aesthetic. I never understood why anyone would choose boy clothes. I saw myself as a girl and came out as trans back in 2016, but my parents were rejective and said I couldn’t transition.
When I turned 18, I started looking more manly and I hated it. I felt my face looked too stern and hard, not soft and cute like I felt it should be. A big turning point was when I took ayahuasca. During the trip, I saw myself as a soft, feminine person. Right after that, I got a pixie cut, but my face still looked too manly for it. It looked out of place. I started reading about hormones and decided to order estradiol online. I’ve always felt like a girl, so I thought transitioning was the right step.
I was on estrogen for about seven months. Almost immediately, my mental state changed. My existing OCD, anxiety, and mood swings got a lot worse. I became really neurotic. I also realized that I have bipolar disorder, but only when I’m on estrogen. It reminded me exactly of how my mom used to be when her bipolar was really bad. On testosterone, my mood was stable and I didn’t even know I had that disorder. If I had stayed on estrogen, I would have needed a mood stabilizer like lithium, and it was all getting too expensive.
A really strange thing happened about a month into taking estrogen: my sexuality started to change. Before, I was only attracted to girls. On estrogen, I became attracted to guys, sometimes even more than girls. This was a huge shift. For the first time ever, I started to look at my masculine features and see beauty in them. I started to love my natural self as a boy. I would have always seen myself as creepy and repulsive before. It felt like I finally understood my own natural beauty.
But I ignored that feeling. I thought I should "trust myself" and my decision to transition, so I pushed down the urge to stop. I stayed on estrogen for another six months. I regret that so much now. I feel like I deluded myself and caused permanent changes to my body that I have to live with.
I decided to detransition a few weeks ago because I just wanted to be myself as a boy again. I wanted to look the way I did before estrogen. I stopped the hormones cold turkey. It’s been trippy; my thoughts have been all over the place, but it doesn’t feel as bad as I thought it would. My mind feels so much clearer, and I feel like myself again.
The biggest physical issue for me is my breasts. I hated them growing. When I was on estrogen, I could feel them swelling every time I took a dose. Now that I’ve stopped, they have shrunk an insane amount, but it still sucks and affects my body confidence. I’m hoping that by lifting weights, the breast tissue will blend in with my pecs and look more like a bodybuilder's chest.
Looking back, I think a lot of my desire to be a girl was tied to my mental health. I’ve realized I might have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My feeling of being a girl seemed to rest on me finding myself more valuable as a girl, which was a coping mechanism to deal with feelings of worthlessness tied to my male self-image. I’ve always felt that girls were more cherished and valuable than guys. I had a neglectful and borderline abusive dad, while the women in my family were always loving, so my mind was bent towards wanting to be like them from the beginning.
I also craved the emotional and expressive freedom I saw in girls, while feeling boxed into emotional suppression as a guy. Even when I was living as a trans girl, I’d have moments where I’d feel like a guy, like when I’d wake up with a boy’s self-image or when talking to a straight girl and intensely wanting to be my pre-HRT self because I knew they’d be more into me. That desire for validation is part of the same coping mechanism.
I don’t regret exploring my identity, but I do regret taking hormones for as long as I did. I believe I will always be envious of girls and their bodies, but I’m learning to like my own. I know that if things become too overwhelming, I could always go back on estrogen, but for now, I need to be comfortable in the body I was born with.
Here is a timeline of the main events:
| My Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Teen Years | Felt disconnected from boys, related to girls. Had an emo/scene phase, started wearing women's clothes. |
| Around 16 (2016) | Came out as transgender to my parents, but they rejected it and prevented me from transitioning. |
| 18 | Started looking more masculine, hated my "stern" face. Took ayahuasca, saw myself as feminine. Got a pixie cut. |
| 18 | Researched hormones, decided to order and start taking estrogen (Estradiol). |
| 18 (after 1 month on E) | Sexuality changed; became attracted to men. For the first time, started to appreciate my masculine features. Ignored these feelings and continued hormones. |
| 18 | Stopped estrogen and progesterone cold turkey after 7 total months of use, deciding to detransition. |
| 18 (weeks after stopping) | Noted breast shrinkage and clearer mental state, but still struggling with body confidence regarding chest. |
Top Comments by /u/Atraills:
A lot of reasons cause it’s complicated. Mainly it’s just I found myself wanting to be a boy in social settings. Where if I’m talking to a girl Id find myself wishing that I looked the way I looked pre hrt, but this happened in every social setting with everyone pretty much.
I’ve been thinking that maybe I just wanted to look like someone I am attracted to. estrogen changed my sexuality and made me attracted to guys and masculinity for the first time, which made me confident with how I look as a boy and I started to love my masculine features. I’ve been loving being a boy for the first time.
Do you have self image swings? Does your worldview and values in life change dramatically and sporadically? Do you make choices or think thoughts one day that you would not identify with the next? I realized it was borderline personality disorder because my transness seemed to literally rest on the shoulders of me finding myself more valuable as a girl, which is a coping mechanism from BPD to rebound feelings of worthlessness that are tied to my male self image. When I got on E I became attracted to guys even more than girls and suddenly I valued being a guy and felt like a guy and not a girl, which to me is partial proof that my intense feelings of not just wanting to be a girl but feeling like a girl were just products of my mind trying to cope or find self worth. Identifying with people that I find the most attractive in order to see myself with the same self worth I see in them.
I’ve always felt a huge disconnect with other guys but have always completely related to and understood girls. My teen years started with an emo/scene phase and in that scene I could dress and act as feminine as I wanted even as a guy, so it was kind of my gateway to girls clothes because I would often get women’s skinny jeans over men’s. I completely didn’t understand why anyone would dress in boy clothes when girl clothes are so much more aesthetic. I saw myself as a girl and came out as trans in 2016, but rejective parents said I couldn’t transition. I turned 18 and started looking manly. I felt my face looked too stern/hard compared to the soft/cute face I felt like I should have.
I decided to transition after taking ayahuasca and seeing myself as a soft feminine person. Immediately after the trip I got a pixie cut but my face looked too manly. It looked out of place. I had been reading up on hormonal effects to soften my face, then got the idea to order estradiol, which I did. I’ve always felt like a girl and I know that it’s more accurate to view me as mentally a girl, so I decided to transition if I was about to get on E.
I know that if my sexuality would have stayed the same on estrogen, I wouldn’t have detransitioned. After a month or so on E I was actually more attracted to guys than girls for a bit and I just started to see myself as my manly self... while loving it? It was insane. It felt like I FINALLY understood my natural beauty. I would have always seen myself as creepy and repulsive before E.
This was a month on E, but I decided to push down my urges to detransition because I wanted to “trust myself” (ironic considering trusting myself would have consisted of trusting my instinct to get off of E)
if I would have just got off then everything would be so much better. But I didn’t. I stayed on E “trusting myself” for around 6 more months. An entire half year longer. I can’t believe that I could delude myself so thoroughly and cause permanent changes to my body, but now I’m just venting.
I decided to detransition a few weeks ago because I just wanted to be myself as a boy. I wanted to look the way I did before E too badly to not detransition, so I cold turkey quit E and progesterone.
Sorry if this is choppy. Haven’t slept in a couple of days and just got off of work
I was on for 7 months. Glad to know that it won’t take long for the jawline to come back!!! Yeah for the first time since growing them I hardly feel my boobs there compared to how tender they were on E. I feel flat-chested in my mind’s eye until I look down, which wasn’t the case on E.
I feel so much more clearheaded and just.. like myself again c: thank you so much! Good luck to you too!
Yeah I’ve always felt like girl’s were more cherished and valuable than guys in almost everyway. Not to mention I had a neglectful and borderline abusive dad while always having loving family members that are girls, so my mind was bent towards looking that way from the beginning.
I understand what you about ‘why would anyone wanna be a guy?’ Because I felt the same way for a long time. I felt like being a girl has so much emotional and expressive freedom, while as a guy I am always boxed into emotional suppression. Idk the reason I want to be a guy is just simply because I am one and I was hurting myself too badly by getting on estrogen and dealing with the conflict that you seem to be dealing with, about whether I was making the right choice or if it’s all in my head.
When I wanna be on estrogen, look like a girl, be perceived as feminine or act feminine, I notice that I start to see holes in the new persona. Like when I was a trans girl I’d be walking around and randomly just have that feeling of being a guy. Sometimes I’d wake up with a boy self image which would then shift to a girl self image once I took note. Or I’d be talking to a straight girl and intensely want to go back to my pre-hrt self just simply because I know they’d be into it more, which is exactly the same coping mechanism from BPD as I mentioned in my last comment. It’s just my mind always being in a state of trying to find the utmost self worth.
Aw that’s great to read!!! I felt around my boobs and it seems my breast buds aren’t too big, so I’m just gonna try not to stress over it right now c: I’m hoping it’ll just look like I have larger pecs, but that’s just wishful thinking because Im scared of surgery 😅 I can’t thank you enough for letting me in on your experience! My stress has settled a lot after reading that.
I stopped my hormones cold turkey and it’s trippy how my thought patterns are all over the place, but it doesn’t feel as bad as I had thought
Aw thank you c: yeah detransitioning feels faster for sure. Can’t believe I want my old body back so badly especially. My living situation played a part in detransitioning but it’s not really a main reason. I just didn’t have good reasons for transitioning in the first place and I realized if I could go back in time I would not transition because I wanted to look like myself again. So I decided I needed to get off of E while testosterone can still revert me back. Although the boobs have made me have little body confidence sadly. They have shrunk an insane amount but it still sucks. I transitioned because I am a gender queer person, if that’s the right term. I’ve always felt more like a girl and didn’t really relate to boys until a couple years ago. I hated looking manly and especially wanted a soft face.
I’m in the same boat with just using dumbbells I have laying around my room from when I was doing HEMA lol I work a semi-physical labor job so I have to time my weight lifting right and not over-do it or my arms will be too sore to lift anything at work
I’m so glad you gave me the heads up that my boobs won’t atrophy for a few months, because knowing myself I would be freaking out in a matter of weeks thinking they’ll never shrink if you hadn’t said that 😂
I’m mainly getting off of estrogen because I miss the feeling of testosterone. On estrogen I am REALLY neurotic, where my OCD, anxiety, mood swings, etc are all exacerbated. Also I have bipolar disorder ONLY when on estrogen. Like it reminds me exactly of how my mom used to be when her bipolar was through the roof. On T, I didn’t even know I had bipolar disorder because it just seems to stabilize my mood enough. If I were to stay on E I would for sure have to get on a mood stabilizer like lithium, but this is all getting too expensive. I miss girls being into me and not 40 year olds who have wives 😬 so I still think of myself as a girl mentally, but I feel like I could make peace with my male body now that I have distanced myself from it and can look back to see that I was beautiful. I was just looking at myself the wrong way and didn’t understand my masculine beauty. Estrogen changed my sexuality a bit where I can be attracted to guys, and what this has done was made me actually start understanding that I am beautiful even on T. Its just a different kind of beauty. before estrogen I thought I looked disgusting. I guess I’m in a unique detransition scenario because I know I am trans. I’ve had gender dysphoria since I was a kid. The biggest hurdle for me to overcome will simply be being comfortable having sex as a male, but I feel with the right partner I could be comfortable with that too. If I decide my masculinization is overwhelming I can always get back on estrogen no shame.
That’s actually what I was thinking! I’m gonna start lifting weights again and hopefully the breast buds will blend with my pecs or at the least no one will know they are breasts because it’s a common sight on body builders c:
That means a lot! This is definitely harder than transitioning was, so I’d love to be able to message you anytime I’m feeling overwhelmed with it c: I’m stopping cold turkey because my boobs were still growing and everytime I take E I can feel them swelling. How long after stopping did your breasts start to atrophy? even if just a little
Hey sorry for taking so long to reply. I replied a bit ago but for some reason it didn’t post, so I lost all that I typed.
I agree logically I feel like guys have it harder than girls emotionally. I also think rectangular shapes are unattractive, but curves are. It’s why Ive always hated baggy clothes and stuck to very slim shirts and super skinny jeans. Im wearing baggy jeans now just because I wanna hide my femme figure.
I definitely experienced gender euphoria when being perceived as a girl, but I sum that up to my coping mechanism (seeing myself as a girl) being validated by someone else, which causes euphoria. Which is the entire point of the coping mechanism. Life feels empty without it, but it was an illusion of mine. I was completely thoroughly convinced I was a trans girl too. I believe in other trans people and I believe in you, I’m just giving you my side to aid in your search for clarity.
I do believe I will always be envious of girls for a lot of reasons. I doubt I won’t be envious of girls bodies forever. But at the same time I like mine, I just need to work out my core lol