My entire journey with transition started when I was very young. I was deeply uncomfortable with my body, especially when I started going through puberty. I hated developing breasts and having a period; it felt like my body was betraying me. I now believe a lot of this was rooted in a deep anxiety and a discomfort with growing up, rather than a true problem with being female. I also struggled with very low self-esteem and depression, and I think I saw transition as a way to escape from all of that.

I was influenced a lot by what I saw online. I found communities that affirmed these feelings as being a sign I was trans, and it felt like an answer. I started identifying as non-binary first, but that quickly shifted to identifying as a transgender man. I began taking testosterone. The changes were fast and, at the time, felt exciting. It felt like I was finally taking control.

I got top surgery to remove my breasts. I was so sure it was what I needed to be happy. I thought it would fix the deep unease I felt in my own skin. For a while, it did feel like a relief. But that feeling didn't last.

The reality of what I had done started to sink in over time. I experienced serious health complications from the testosterone. My cycles became completely irregular and painful. I developed a cyst on my ovary that burst. I became obsessed with whether or not I had permanently damaged my body, constantly tracking my cycle and worrying about my fertility. Doctors wouldn't take my concerns seriously because I hadn't been trying to conceive for a full year, which was incredibly frustrating when I knew something was wrong.

The biggest turning point for me was falling in love. I met a man who made me feel like a woman again in a way that wasn't scary or uncomfortable. It was a feeling of being cherished and loved for who I was, and it indirectly made me want to love myself again, too. That love triggered my desire to stop fighting my body and to finally accept it.

Now, I live with a lot of regrets. I regret taking testosterone and I deeply regret having top surgery. The pain of wanting a biological child and not knowing if I can have one is indescribable. I would tell anyone considering this path to please seek therapy first for any underlying anxiety, trauma, or depression. Making permanent decisions based on temporary feelings is something I will always regret. My body is now permanently altered, and I have to live with that. Stopping hormones was difficult and my body had to fight to heal itself, but it was the first step toward a healthier life.

My thoughts on gender now are that I was never a man. I was a woman who was deeply uncomfortable and unhappy, and I was sold a solution that caused more problems than it solved. I benefited from stepping away from affirming spaces and finally dealing with my underlying mental health.