This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. The user's writing exhibits consistent personal reflection, emotional depth, and a complex, evolving narrative about their gender questioning, OCD, and trauma. There are no obvious red flags of bot-like activity or inauthenticity. The user identifies as a desister, which aligns with their described experience of questioning but not medically transitioning.
About me
I started questioning if I was a man at 26, which felt like a never-ending crisis that shattered my identity. I found some comfort in online communities, but they started to feel like a cult and I realized my struggle was deeply tied to my OCD and a traumatic upbringing. I understood my dysphoria was really about unresolved self-hatred and resentment toward my mother, not about being born in the wrong body. I decided not to medically transition because it felt like a permanent solution to a temporary problem and a rejection of my female self. Now, I'm learning to make peace with who I am, and while I'm still fragile, letting go of that identity was a huge relief.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was 26. I had always been a feminine woman before that, but I suddenly began to experience what I thought was gender dysphoria. It felt like a psychotic episode that just never ended, and it completely shattered my sense of self. I started questioning if I was actually a man.
I spent a lot of time in online trans communities because I felt so alone and needed people to talk to about these confusing feelings. At first, it was a relief to be around people who understood. But after a while, I started to feel like an imposter. The community began to feel cult-like to me, and I couldn't align myself with a lot of the common ideologies. I realized I was craving honest connections, not just an echo chamber.
A big part of my struggle was understanding that my experience was heavily influenced by my OCD, which I've had since I was a kid. My brain would latch onto the idea of being trans and then bombard me with compulsive thoughts and doubts. It felt like a relentless loop: if I ever felt comfortable being a woman, my mind would immediately attack with thoughts like, "How dare you enjoy this? You don't have the right." It was exhausting.
Looking back, I see how much my upbringing played a role. I was raised by a narcissistic mother who was very superficial and always made me feel inadequate and ugly. My stepfather was controlling and abusive. I never had a healthy father figure in my life. I think I internalized a lot of self-hatred from my mother and began to overvalue a perfect, stereotypical femininity to try and earn her love. When that persona started to dissolve, it felt like a huge crisis. My dysphoria felt like unresolved self-hatred and resentment toward my mother, because in trying to become someone she would love, I felt like I had become her—and I hated that.
I also started to question my sexuality. I've always been attracted to both men and women, but in my past relationships with men, something always felt off. I began to explore the idea that I might be a lesbian, but I was terrified to talk about this with my trans friends, worried about how they'd perceive me.
I never medically transitioned. The idea of taking hormones or having surgery felt like a permanent solution to what might be a temporary problem. I was deeply skeptical that altering my body was the only answer to my pain. I felt that would be a form of self-rejection, and the grief of losing my femaleness felt like it would be unbearable. I started to see my dysphoria not as a sign that I was born in the wrong body, but as a painful opportunity to understand my internalized sexism and social conditioning.
I benefited greatly from speaking with an older spiritual counselor. He helped me see this entire phase as an evolutionary process, a difficult but strategic part of my growth. This perspective was a huge relief. Letting go of the trans identity felt like a weight was lifted, even though I still have moments where I feel fragile and vulnerable.
I don't regret exploring transition because it led me to a deeper understanding of myself. But I am relieved I didn't go through with any permanent changes. My main regret is all the time I spent in pain and confusion, overthinking everything to the point of daily headaches. I'm now learning to make peace with not having all the answers and to be patient with myself as I reconnect with who I am.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 26 | Late-onset gender dysphoria began, leading to a major identity crisis and questioning if I was trans. |
| 26 | Joined online trans communities for support but began to feel like an imposter and disconnected from the ideologies. |
| 27 | Realized my gender questioning was heavily influenced by pre-existing OCD and trauma from my upbringing. |
| 27 | Began to explore my sexuality and the possibility that I might be a lesbian, not a trans man. |
| 27 | Decided to desist from transitioning after concluding it felt like self-rejection, not self-actualization. |
Top Comments by /u/B1tchface_maloneIII:
Dear lord what an incredible analogy you did...
I genuinely believe that gender dysphoria stems from a place that is even more painful than the dysphoria itself. Transition is unfortunately a coping strategy for many individuals who decide to undergo it — although I believe that some people truly benefit from transition. But in many cases it’s basically dysfunction reinforcement.
Moreover, it’s difficult not to be tempted to seek external validation when facing gender identity struggles, thanks to our human nature. My theory is that victims of chronic gaslight are more prone to this dynamic; claiming that something is inherently wrong (body and mind discordance in this case) with oneself puts one in a victim position and thus it’s easier to obtain support and compassion from other people. But the point is — deeming ourselves as fundamentally dysfunctional is a gaslight in and of itself, most especially when we involve other people to validate that idea.
I completely agree with this. I’m very artsy myself and indeed I seem to notice this very same pattern. Not just arts — lately it’s series on Netflix where there always seem to be nb/trans characters playing in the ones I enjoy most. I just realize it afterward.
I recently moved to another city and the first time I went to the art store there, I was shocked to realize that at least 50% of the staff members were definitely queer/nb/trans. But... I think the city I now live in is very pro LGBTQ. There really is a big community in here but I haven’t quite made friends yet.
OMG, thank you so much for this reply, I indeed can relate so much.
In fact, I’ve even had close friends tell me they didn’t think I was a ‘real girl’ because I’ve always acted like a stereotypical dude (without the toxic masculinity). My best friend told me he wasn’t surprised when I first told him I thought I was trans. I’m very analytical like you (I study theoretical physics and I tend to see things scientifically/philosophically all the time) and I can tell for sure I’ve involuntarily provoked or hurt other trans people when we would discuss our opinions on gender and femininity/masculinity.
I honestly felt like crying when you said that you no longer have dysphoria nor internalized misogyny. The weird thing is that I’ve had late onset GD at age 26 and before that I used to be very feminine. Maybe I wasn’t authentic either back then but I sure do miss taking care of myself and feeling good in my own skin because I did experience some kind of gender euphoria as a female. It’s just so ironic how it all seems to be gone now. I don’t understand my mind anymore. But I really appreciate you telling me that it’s possible to overcome this. Thank you so much.
Hey OP, I feel so much compassion for you right now, I’m really honest.
I’m not detrans, but I believe that life sometimes has an odd way of teaching us lessons, especially if we’re filled with/attached to delusions that originate from our ancestors, parents, teachers etc. We can care so much about those false beliefs because they allowed us to survive at some critical point in our lives, until they begin to destroy us when we no longer need them.
This is exactly where we’re being pulled downward into spirals of existential questioning and identity crises. Sometimes, the only way to learn is to hurt ourselves by facing and acting upon our own delusions and contradictions, in your case, your transition, addictions and other things you resent yourself for. It’s in the midst of chaos that our feelings slowly become louder than our thoughts. I think that’s what a lot of detrans experience when they first transition. Some of them find guilt in the fact they were powerless to what they now perceive to be a complex mental illness, but the simple realization of having done some ‘mistake’ is a fair sign of the mind succeeding to solve itself. The paradox of self-sabotage lies in its power to enable autonomous healing. I’ve been learning how to solve my rubik’s cube lately and I can’t help but to make an analogy with the squares being all messed around with everytime I do an algorithm (that can be intimidating for beginners), but I don’t have any other choice because it’s the only way I can get closer to getting it perfectly in order.
There’s also that old spiritual teacher I follow on YouTube that once said : “People are so afraid of making mistakes, so they do nothing! I’ll tell you something, your soul doesn’t give a damn if you do mistakes, it really doesn’t!”. I’ll always remember that statement, because it triggers so many things within me. In the context of transition, I can imagine how the grief must be deeply challenging. But I promise you didn’t lose anything, in fact I think you’re doing great.
It can only get better, even if it hurts, it simply means that the most important things about yourself are being addressed effectively. I wish you the best!
I’m happy you were able to find self-acceptance. I actually have dysphoria about being dysphoric about my chest, mostly (lol). And even if I tell myself, oh well I can always have top surgery, I can already experience some deep sadness as it does not feel like I’m listening to myself but rather that I’m rejecting myself. That’s an awful feeling.
I still have a lot to meditate on, but even if not much has been done in terms of transition, I feel like I’m bending towards desistance already. It’s just I’m afraid that the feelings will get worse if I choose not to transition.
“Because when you join a community, you are the community. You sail under their flag. You don’t represent them, they represent you.”
That definitely sounds so true to me. That’s the thing; I obviously don’t represent them, at least in their common ideologies. It’s alienating, and it saddens me to think that I would always feel this way in a community that is supposed to be some kind of home to me. That’s not at all how I picture my social ideals.
When I first joined this community, I did feel better in the beginning because I had no one else with whom I could speak about my dysphoria and other related issues. But after a while, I realized I wouldn’t necessarily feel better on the long term within that group. It just doesn’t portray my own personality. I might need a little more time to figure what to do, but leaving this community might be an option if I choose not to transition.
That’s beautiful. I’m a desisted female and my entire phase of believing I was trans seem to have been pure OCD. I too do believe it was (and still is) an opportunity for me to understand my own internalized sexism and social conditioning. It’s hard to find meaning in a situation when we’re in the midst of it. But I trust that it will come!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me hope.
I try to be really patient, but deep down I know how I feel homesick of not being able to allow myself to navigate towards certain things that are stereotypically feminine — at least not in the way I would do naturally prior to starting to question my gender. Sometimes I have urges to experiment with femininity again but most of the time I refrain myself from doing so, because I know how it triggers my doubts and distress again.
Just this morning I told myself fuck it, I decided to wear my silver, triple zirconium ring (looks like a wedding ring, it’s actually gorgeous), and I was glad to feel that nothing was wrong. I just enjoyed how beautiful it looked on my finger, and it made me happy. Unfortunately, after about an hour or two, I started feeling uncomfortable again and removed it. Baby steps...
Hey OP,
I think you did good by sharing all of this.
I don’t mean to sound obnoxious but actually, whether you would’ve transitioned at 16 like you did or instead later in life, if you were ‘meant’ to have this whole identity crisis after having been through transition, I’m afraid both ways would’ve not been necessarily easier. But I’m pretty sure that your path as it is/was has provided you with an experience that maybe later on you will be glad you had, in spite of the parts that you actually do regret. Take my word, I’ve only started struggling with dysphoria at age 26, and I’ve had quite a long time to get to experience life as a standard-complying female prior to this. Ironically, I sometimes wish I had started questioning my gender at your age, that way I would’ve probably not inflicted as much atrocities to myself just for the sake of attempting to be a legit woman, whatever that means. So please don’t indulge in “what if’s” and know that your problems would of simply been different.
See, it truly is something big in itself to be questioning what’s probably the most fundamental part of our identity, which is our gender. If we think about it, we really do base our every single acts and decisions upon whether it will honour who we should be as a man/woman. Gender dysphoria is a painful journey towards authenticity, whether we are trans or not.
Anyway. If you want my opinion, I’d say that your bisexuality is likely complex and uses your fluctuating dysphoria as a way to show you where you fail to feel equal in the presence of a male or a female. And honestly, I could relate to this hypothesis so I apologize if I’m projecting. But maybe try to meditate on what it would look like if you felt completely stable with a partner... What would sever your doubts about yourself and your role in a relationship? Looks and physical characteristics are often times just a passive way of obtaining from others some things (be it privileges or virtues...etc) that we don’t know how to provide to ourselves in a more proactive and self-sufficient way.
Don’t you worry, I believe in you 😊
I agree with everything you said.
I just spent nearly a month vacation in another city, where some of my friends live. I’ve been staying at my trans/non-binary friend’s because I thought I needed a relief from home and family conflicts, and most especially I wanted to be close to someone who can understand me in regards to my identity crisis.
And as much as I’ve enjoyed my time here with them, my feelings of being an imposter aggravated. So overall it was both a vacation and a period of introspection. I feel like I should redo what you suggested to me, but by not being surrounded by anyone from the community for a while.
Ugh, my YouTube accounted is filled with subscriptions from transgender YouTube channels, I should start there. At least I’m not on dating apps because I’m also questioning my sexual orientation and I lack clarity for now so I prefer not to get involved in any relationships.
And you’re definitely right about me wondering to which part of society I belong to; I’ve been craving connections for so long and I don’t know what I got myself into. If I decide to desist, I would probably lose or ruin the few friendships I’ve made from the community and go back to feeling so lonely. But on the other hand, I simply want honest relationships.
Thank you for the advice, I will definitely consider it.