I think the truth/reality scares them. The ones who feel insecure about their identity are terrified by very real possibility that they made the wrong decision to build an entire lifestyle around transitioning. But showing weakness = bad so they just flip it outwards onto other people in the form of vitriol.

Having an ex at 12... Impressive. Ask her what personality traits make her a man and then respond with "but girls can play with legos... but girls can be assertive..." ad infinitum. Make her list the exact reasons she's trans. Don't let her get away with "it's just a feeling you wouldn't get it :/"

Tell her testosterone makes you bald super young. And that literally everyone names themselves Oliver, I know 3 Olivers, that's way too uncool for a preteen who wants to be cool.

Thank you for sharing. Expressing these complicated emotions is the key to helping young people be more honest with themselves about transition. I'm sorry that the trans & medical communities pigeonholed your mental health struggles like that. Your humanity deserves much more respect than that. I hope you can continue to grow and thrive. And I hope that you have a lot of respect for yourself, as well. The ability to be truly honest with oneself is quite admirable.

Feel ya. It's pretty insidious when you realize how deeply you've internalized the notion of women being The Other and men being The Default. It took me a long time but I've finally reached a point where I can call myself a woman and not feel like I'm forcing it. Others might make assumptions about what that word means but when I say it, it's nothing but a fact. I am a woman, an adult human female. It's certainly not easy to retrain your mental word associations. I admit sometimes I consider using nonbinary labels to describe myself, just so other people understand me and stop assuming I'm a shallow evil cis wench because that's the only image they can conjure when they hear 'woman'. But like, fuck those guys. I'm a woman out of spite if nothing else, lol.

Ooh, something I actually know about. The first thing to understand about current fandom culture is that it is COMPLETELY FUCKED by constant discourse taking place within a vacuum and not any sort of real-world context. You know, similar to internet trans culture. Fandom used to be a safe, male-free space for women to freely express their creativity and sexuality. IMO, things started to change on Tumblr around the time when the number of nonbinary gender identities exploded and ppl started shitting themselves over cultural appropriation.

Because FtM are considered equal to gay men on that part of the internet, the subject of fetishizing appeared. According to FtMs, women shipping yaoi, especially yaoi that isn't soft and fluffy, is extremely problematic. Literally only FtM give a fuck about this, I have NEVER IN MY LIFE met any male, gay man or MtF, who cares about shipping the way women do. (they only seem to care about porn, lol)

Now it is only safe to ship yaoi if you are FtM/NB/demiboy/transmasc/boy-aligned, otherwise you are labeled a "fujoshi". Fujoshi is a Japanese word that means "rotten woman", and Japanese women who consume yaoi voluntarily call themselves fujoshi ironically. Western fandom quickly twisted it into a slur against unapologetic female artists, much like TERF for lesbians. Nowadays if you're caught writing or drawing gay erotica with she/her pronouns in your Twitter bio, you will be labeled a dirty fujo and digitally lynched.

The last few years on Twitter have been so nightmarish, with women getting called out, doxxed, banned from selling their art at conventions, and losing their jobs. One high profile artist was even given cookies with needles baked into them at a convention, just for drawing art that people didn't like. People petitioned to ban her from selling at a huge con (Anime Expo) and the result was AX banning ALL art dealers. Dozens of women are now permanently shut out from a big source of income. But Fakku, a porn company, can still sell porn because AX has a partnership with them. Fandom is a fucking hellscape atm.

So, to answer your question, I think the current prevalence of transgenders in fandom is due to women feeling too guilty or too scared to be women anymore. These young people legit think to themselves, "oh, I enjoy gay erotica, that must mean I'm gay. otherwise I would be a filthy fujoshi and that would make me a bad person :(" It's fucking depressing. I ragequit fandom awhile ago but my sister still participates. She was called out multiple months ago and still has people obsessively stalking her, pretending to befriend her to access her private accounts, and sniffing out all of her hidden side accounts on other websites. Makes me so fucking mad. Idk what it will take to make things change, the state of fandom is dire right now.

I believe they are connected, personally. Not always, but teenage girls who feel cautiously nonbinary usually need to work through some shit. Ask yourself what makes you NB.

• Is it because you have "boy" hobbies?
• Do you get along better with boys or girls?
• Do you feel objectified by men?
• Are you comfortable with your sexuality?
• Do either of your parents ever make you feel bad about being born female?
• Which aspects of transition appeal to you, and which parts scare you?
• Do you feel like you're "running out of time" to transition while still young? (you're not)
• Are you struggling to find a community where you feel like you truly belong?
• Are you depressed?
• Are you able to imagine your future or your goals without getting stressed out?

Mull over these questions and have yourself a big think. Keep reading, keep learning. Only you can comprehend how you truly feel on the inside. Also, therapy and the general passage of time helps a lot.

Here is my advice: Forgive yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. Changing your mind is not a big deal. I came out to my parents at 13 and even though it felt irreversibly catastrophic at the time, I kinda just cowered in the corner and didn't bring it up ever again and they silently accepted it as a phase. 10yrs later I explained becoming a radfem to my mom and she was like "wow honey you're so mature" and that was it. When I told my friends about my revelation they were like "oh cool" and went back to using female pronouns and that was it. Easy peasy.

It only feels shameful because The Cult has told you it is shameful to not be trans. And The Society and The Abusive Adults have told you it's shameful to be a woman on top of that. Any sane young woman would question their gender over that. Like, god forbid you love your body instead of wallowing in medical bills and self-loathing, right?! It feels embarrassing now, but you'll be OK.

In Alcoholics Anonymous they have a term called the "geographical cure". It's when an alcoholic suddenly decides to pack up all their shit and move somewhere completely new, believing that a big change will solve all their problems. A fresh start where their alcoholism and mental illness and dysfunctional family dynamics don't exist. Of course, you can't simply move away from your problems, you have to deal with them head-on. It sounds to me like your partner is in a severe amount of pain and is trying to escape all of that by pulling a geographic. Albeit, a physiological one. I would encourage her to keep working at finding a therapist that specializes in PTSD, or even just finding a meaningful job or volunteer opportunity or hobby to take her mind off of obsessing over "transition = cure." Medical transition isn't instant freedom and happiness, it's a high-maintenance lifestyle that requires a lot of money and emotional labor.

Be the female role model your inner child needs. If you could spend a day with your younger self, what would you say to her? People frequently transition to distance themselves from their traumatic childhood. It sounds like you're ready to go back and tell her (you) that you're ready to give her all the love she deserves.

I get the impression that many male-attracted GNC women feel like they need to force a modicum of femininity in order to have a man find them attractive. At least, that's how I feel as a bisexual tomboy who feels very insecure about my non-insignificant attraction to men. I always feel shocked when a man is into me because I feel like I'm bad at being a woman, even though there is no good or bad, just woman. I'm not in the social media loop so I have no evidence beyond anecdotal experience, but I assure you that straight tomboys exist. Your sexual orientation has zero bearing on how you "need" to express yourself physically. Do what is right for you.

P.S. I saw that you are recovering from a breakup. Sorry to hear that. Use this period of solitude to reflect on your emotions, painful as it may be. You will heal. You will achieve inner clarity. You are worthy of existing as you are.