This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
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Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. The user identifies as a desister (someone who considered but did not medically transition) and their comments are highly personal, emotionally charged, and consistent with the experiences and passionate opinions found in the detrans community.
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About me
I felt out of place as a girl from a young age, and my anxiety got much worse when I started developing early and men began harassing me as a teenager. I thought my deep discomfort was a gender issue, but I realized it was actually body dysmorphia and a trauma response to being objectified. I'm so glad I never medically transitioned because I was just trying to escape the male gaze and the pain of being a woman in a world that felt unsafe. Now, I understand that my sex is immutable, and I've found peace by focusing on my life goals instead of my appearance. I share my story to encourage others to explore their trauma and other issues before assuming they need to transition.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started when I was really young. I always felt out of place with other girls and had a lot of anxiety. I mostly hung out with guys growing up and only ever had a few female friends, one at a time. I still have a hard time getting along with most women, especially straight ones, and I have severe anxiety about men staring at me.
Looking back, a huge part of my discomfort came from puberty and the male attention I started getting. I remember when I was about 10 or 11, I outgrew my bras while visiting my dad. He had a family friend, my old kindergarten teacher, take me to get sized at Victoria's Secret. The woman there and my teacher talked about how big my breasts were for my age. It was so embarrassing. Then when I was 13, I was volunteering at a library and a grown man came over and started flirting with me. I clearly looked underage, but he didn't care. The librarian had to kick him out and ban him, and she was so worried for me that she walked me to my dad's car. This kind of thing kept happening, even after I came out as a lesbian. I grew up in a Mormon town and visited my dad in Oklahoma, and it felt like there were no consequences for these men. I started to hate my body because of this and because of my weight.
I think a lot of my feelings were actually body dysmorphia, not a gender issue. For me, it was a mixture of the male gaze and physical pain from having a large chest. I’m so glad I never went on hormones or had any surgery. I realized pretty fast that transitioning wasn't the answer for me. I came out as gay first, and I think there was a lot of shame associated with that, which might have pushed me toward thinking I was trans. But I never actually took that step.
I also have OCD, and I've heard that can make people obsessively want to be the opposite sex. I think for me, it was more about escaping the discomfort of being a woman in a world where men constantly objectify you. I wanted to get rid of everything feminine about me, including the title of "woman," so that I wouldn't get that kind of attention anymore.
I never regretted not transitioning. I'm happy I figured it out before doing anything permanent. I think the focus should be on actual therapy that looks at other factors, like trauma or body dysmorphia, before jumping to transition. We need to stop gendering things like clothes, toys, and behaviors. And we really need to talk more about desisting and detransitioning in LGBTQ+ spaces, even if it's uncomfortable for some people.
Now, I see that gender is a social construct. Transitioning doesn't change your sex. For me, focusing on my hobbies and life goals outside of gender and sexuality helped the most. I asked myself what I wanted to do with my life, what career I wanted, and what kind of relationships I wanted to have. That was way more important than what I looked like on the outside.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 10-11 | Started developing early; felt extreme discomfort and embarrassment about my body. |
| 13 | Experienced sexual harassment from an adult man while volunteering; anxiety and hatred toward my body intensified. |
| Teen Years | Came out as a lesbian; continued to experience unwanted male attention and harassment. |
| 20 | Realized my feelings were rooted in body dysmorphia and trauma, not gender dysphoria; desisted from pursuing transition. |
| 21 | Became an active voice in online communities, sharing my experience to help others question their reasons for transitioning. |
Top Comments by /u/BroadwayLady:
It is so interesting to see how often body dysmorphic disorder in women is often looked at as gender issues because we only associate being skinny with it when many woman especially with large chest get it from a mixture of the male gaze and back pain. I know that's one reason why I thought I was trans and I am so happy I was never given drugs for it and realized it fast. I don't know how I would react to losing my singing voice and I feel for you over that. I hope you are now seeing a therapist who can help you with your actual anxiety and coming off of the T.
I still remember when I was 10 or 11 and outgrew my bras while I was visiting my dad. He asked my old kindergarten teacher (a family friend) to take me to get sized because he wouldn't do it. Well she took me to Victoria Secrets and the woman sizing me and her talked about how big they were for my age and wanting them at that age.
I was 13 when I was a volunteer at a library over summer. A grown ass man came over and flirted me. I clearly looked underage but he didn't care. It took him getting kicked out by the librarian and being put on a ban list to leave. The librarian walked me to my dad's car because she was so afraid for me.
Even after I came out as a lesbian, this still happened constantly and I grew up in a Mormon town and visited my dad in Oklahoma. There was no consequences for these men and boys. No wonder I hate my body even more than just my weight issue.
A few things would help:
- Not allowing any from of transitioning before the age of 18 or whatever age it is to be an adult in a country (I did contemplate saying 21 because of the regulation on alcohol and tobacco in the US too). This includes hormone blockers, hormones and body mutilation (chest, facial, and bottom).
- Actual therapy that looks at other factors for a need to transition first and to see if there are other ways to handle the urge to transition first.
- Not looking at anything artificial as gendered. Clothing, toys, behavior, interests, etc.
- Discouraging the way people treat girls and boys growing up differently.
- Communication within yourself to understand what is happening when it is happening. Why do I want to transition? What do I see of myself in ___ amount of years?
- Actually talking about desistering and detransitioning in LGBTQ+ spaces even if they do not want to hear it, they need to hear it
That is just what I thought up off the top of my head.
Honestly, I feel this. I'm still pretty young (I turn 21 in on the 27th) but would have never had come out as trans after I came out as gay because of the shame associated with it). I mostly hung out with guys growing up; I had only 4 female friends growing up and none at the same time. I still barely get along with most women (especially if they are straight) still and have severe anxiety about men staring at me.
The first major thing I can say is just take a deep breath. I know it sound condescending but just being in a calmer state can help you make a decision. I never was given drugs (I desisted) and I am quite sad that you were given them so young.
The most I can say to you is what do you think makes up being male or female and why? Did your therapist or you think these urges were from your trauma? What do you hate about being female and what do you hope to obtain from being male?
The major thing is that your 17 and have your whole life in front of you. You can choose to not go on T and stop your blockers. You can find a therapist to help you with your trauma and not focus on if you have GID.
I got to ask this, but how careful were they with you? You mentioned you were with a counselor who pushed you to see a gender therapist. How long of a time was this transition? How long did it take to be told you had GID? Did they mention any other mental disorders to you during this process?
It seems it might stem more from others seeing you as female more than anything. You could also just have body dysmorphia which seems to heavily associate with just weight but I think many females have it about things like their breasts or just looking feminine in general.
Ignoring if you're female/male, what do you like to do? What do you want to do with yourself?
I also need to point out that many LGB want to drop the T from the label and focus on the struggles that we (the LGB) still face. I also have been called transphobic for wanting to de-transition (technically a desister, never went of drugs thank whatever god/goddess) and for not dating transwomen when I have a legit fear of men and their bodies. It disgusts me how much transwomen are really just men trying to invade the few females spaces that we have.
Can I ask if puberty was a major reason you waned to be a man since you started to feel this way at 11? Did you hate your body as you grew? Did the act of having a period make you wish to not have it? Did male attention come into play and wish you could take away everything that was feminie about you (including the title of woman) so as to not have that attention?
It is really clear to me that you have some body dsymorphia and I would recommend maybe just seeing a normal therapist and not a gender one to help with that along with a higher focus on your depression and any other mental illness you might think you have.
Similar to what u/NeverCrumbling said gender is a social construct and even through transitioning will never change your sex. You determine to yourself what you like hobbies wise and what physical appearance you can chose to change. I know many of us thought we were trans for different reasons but a lot of us first looked to gendered roles in our every day society.
I guess my last to questions were to vague, I was asking about your hobbies and goals outside of you gender and your transition. I realized focusing on those helped me out the most when it came to realizing what I wanted to actually do outside of if I was male or female. I asked myself questions about the career I wanted to go into and if it truly mattered to me what I looked like on the outside to myself and not others. Having hobbies outside of your sexuality/gender expression can help out a lot and just having normal goals about education, jobs, relationships, etc can help out a lot too.
I should have assumed you were seeing a therapist because of your eating disorder. Have you talked to them about this subject? If yes, what do they say about this?
You mentioned in another comment your OCD, and I have heard that can make people want to be the opposite sex obsessively. I feel for you though and do hope you get better.