This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic.
There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor. The user's comments display:
- Personal, nuanced emotional reflection on a complex relationship and internal conflict.
- Consistent identity as a gay man grappling with the appeal of a traditional relationship and the pressure to desist/detransition.
- Engaged conversation where they build on others' points and share their own relatable experiences.
- Human vulnerability, expressing fear of being alone and acknowledging personal struggles.
The passion and frustration expressed are consistent with a genuine desister's experience.
About me
I'm a gay man who considered becoming a woman because I was lonely and hated the hook-up culture, craving a real romantic relationship. I started dating a man who said he'd love me more if I was a woman, making me believe transitioning was my only chance for love. I realized he was a "chaser" with a fetish, and that changing my body for someone else's fantasy was self-destruction. I ended the relationship and decided against transitioning. Now I understand my problem was never being a man, but my loneliness, and I'm looking for a partner who will love me for who I am.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started because I was deeply unhappy being a gay man. I felt a lot of pressure from the gay dating scene, which seemed to be all about hook-ups and not the kind of committed, romantic relationship I truly wanted. I craved a traditional partnership with dinners, flowers, and the promise of a long-term future, something I saw my straight friends have but never found for myself.
I began to question if I was actually a trans woman. A big part of this was influenced by a man I was seeing. He was attracted to the idea of me as a woman and would constantly tell me that he saw the "girl inside" me. He said he was romantically attracted to my feminine core and that he would love me even more if I started presenting as a woman. He even admitted that he would be most attracted to a woman he had "created." It felt amazing to finally receive the romantic attention I’d always wanted, but it was also confusing. He was objectifying me, treating me like a doll for his own fantasy.
This relationship filled my head with doubts. He made me believe that my desire to transition was real and that my hesitation was just internalized shame. I started to think that becoming a woman was the only way to escape the parts of being gay that I hated and finally have the stable, loving relationship I dreamed of.
But through talking with others, I realized how dangerous this was. I saw that he was a "chaser," a man with a specific fetish for trans women or feminized men. I learned that most truly heterosexual men would not be interested in dating a trans woman, so my dating pool would likely be limited to men like him. The idea of medically transitioning for a relationship, for a man, felt incredibly wrong. It would mean changing my body for someone else's fantasy, not for myself. I would be pretending to be something I'm not.
I also had to be honest about my own arousal. Sometimes, when he called me a "good girl," it was confusingly arousing, but most of the time it completely ruined the mood for me. I realized I was primarily aroused by him and his body, not by the idea of being a woman for him. What I truly craved wasn't being a woman; it was the romance and stability he offered, which I had never found with another man.
I have decided to end things with him. I see now that staying would only lead to my own self-destruction. I was considering a huge life change for the wrong reasons: loneliness and a desperate desire to be loved in a specific way. I don't regret exploring these feelings because it helped me understand myself better. I learned that my problem was never with being a man; it was with the culture I found within the gay community and my own deep loneliness. I don't need to change my body to find a loving, romantic relationship; I just need to find the right person who loves me for me, a gay man who wants the same things I do.
I don't believe in a "feminine soul" or a "masculine soul." I'm just me, a person with a mix of traits. I don't regret my questioning because it brought me clarity, but I am certain that medically transitioning would have been a massive mistake for me, one I would have deeply regretted.
Age | Event |
---|---|
19 | Stopped questioning my sexuality and accepted I was gay. |
(Current Age) | Considered transitioning to female to escape gay dating scene and secure a relationship. |
(Current Age) | Dated a chaser who encouraged me to transition and feminize myself for his fantasy. |
(Current Age) | Realized the relationship was based on objectification and ended it. Decided against transitioning. |
Top Comments by /u/Busy-Magician-7769:
I didn't know about GAMP, only about the concept of "chasers" of actual trans girls but yeah, it sounds like something he could have. This really sounds like an attraction to something "in-between".
Regarding the last paragraph of your comment - I am surprised how well you can see through him and understand his sexuality, only based on my description. There is certainly a lot of objectification. He perceives you as a doll and an object and he even admits that.
Oh, already the stats on Wikipedia are interesting. Only 3.3 % of hetero men would be interested in dating a trans woman? Well, that certainly leaves a dating pool with mostly GAMPs.
You are right that it's not a solution, and I would also be feeling bad about it, like pretending to be a woman when I am not. I would not do it for selfish reasons, to escape the gay dating scene.
Only on occasion this can be arousing for me. And when it happens, it's confusing. But it's not often and almost always I am just aroused by him and his body, not by being a "good girl" for him. Sometimes it even has the opposite effects, when he calls me a good girl I stop being interested and it ruins the atmosphere for me.
By "treating me like a girl", I meant rather the stereotypical/traditional things, like giving me flowers, going for a dinner, in fact I realize now that I rather crave the romantic part of the relationship, which I usually don't get in a gay relationship.
Yeah I am gay, of course I would need to go after straight/"straight" men if I transitioned, but another Redditor gave a statistics that the interest among them is also super low. So it's mostly the chasers.
And you are right, I will have to step back. I think I just don't want to be alone at this stage of life when I am dealing with some other problems
Yeah I can admit to myself that it isn't really a "long and stable relationship", just that compared to my experience so far and the (gay) dating scene, it is. But I am aware it's problematic.
Maybe I could ask him if he plans on staying with me like 20, 30 years later when my looks change. That's definitely a thing to think about, maybe he is going to pressure me to plastic surgeries etc.
Your comment is really valuable. Yes, he is filling my head with doubts, he basically says that I want this and it's the shame, societal pressure that makes me question it. Unfortunately, I have also questioned being gay until 19, for the same reasons, so this is a good argument from his side. But if there is a selfish intention behind it, it is very cruel.
Another point, the idea that he will love me more if I start presenting as a woman. That it 100 % there.
I am glad you told me about the men that also pushed you to cross dressing, this is really valuable. Also, getting off on the power. That is also present there. I wonder how your story was, if this pressure from those men had an impact on you, I mean your flair says desisted, so it seems you were in a relatable situation.
I will think about the last paragraph. It's hard for me to admit that I won't be loved, to accept this idea.
Wow, I can really relate a lot. Even including some things from the appearance, like thick thighs etc. It's crazy that you were still encountering men like that even after the change in appearance, but maybe that turned them on even more. I mean, like doms who want athletic men to make the most submissive and weak things of them.
Boundaries are totally necessary to preserve our own dignity and self-identity. And sometimes, even our safety. I won't go into detail here, but I encountered worse guys than someone who wants to feminize me... more into bodily modifications.
Well that's due to the history and lack of acceptance, it was impossible to have any sort of relationship, so everything was just a one-time thing and it still kinda persisted. And I would say also the lack of commitment (usually no kids) plays a role in that, I am sure many straight men would also be like that, but they settle for the kids and to have family. In fact, they are under a societal pressure, why gay men just "do what they want".
"My guy" felt right and "or girl" was rather triggering, so I guess we have the answer from your comment. :)
I already wanted to end it, but I think at this point it's just that I don't want to be alone and single now that I am going through other serious life issues.
It's interesting you are mentioning trans lesbians/transbians, I mean I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling but I perceive it as a different case than a trans woman who is into men. Something just feels different about it and there is a big sexual part in it imho. But anyway, I am really glad for your comment and at the same time I am sorry that you went through all of that. It really hits hard, as I can relate a lot. Unfortunately this is the first time I really experience the kind of relationship I wanted, as I mentioned in other comments - with flowers, dinner dates, long-term etc., the opposite of dating in the gay community. But as you say, it only leads to self-destruction. Don't worry about it, I will stop with this before it's too late, I have already decided. This community really helped. But Idk what I would do if I were 16 today, it would probably end up much worse.