I don’t think I or anyone else here is a medical professional, so please take these words with a grain of salt, but my gut feeling is that you’re on way too many medications and that those medications are either heavily influencing your perspectives and/or influencing your judgement.

I would seriously talk to another doctor or psychiatrist heavily about what medications are necessary or not and if you need to get off them for a while. I would also avoid drugs (ones not prescribed by a doctor) in general.

I know I’m coming from the opposite direction as you, but maybe it’s somewhat relatable.

I was never super masculine growing up and that, even though he won’t admit it, was a source of frustration for my father. I could just tell the way he acted around it. I don’t think he doesn’t love me or anything, but it was a thing regardless.

It led me to feel like I related more to girls (I started identifying as trans when I was 15/16). I perceived to some degree that girls around me weren’t expected to be strong or be responsible in a “masculine” way. I know those kinds of expectations have roots in sexism (and was ironic because my sister is more “masculine” than I am), but it was still there. It made me envious that women could act like I did (more feminine) and not get crap over it.

I think that led me to believe that I couldn’t be “me” and be a boy. Sometimes I feel that way still, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve begun to care less and less about people’s perceptions of how “manly” I am. Of course when you spend years and years convincing yourself you’re not man, it’s hard not to feel that way still.

Unfortunately the idea of something is way different that what it turns out to be. For most trans women, and I say this because it’s a hard truth for most, don’t get to the point where they look completely like women. I don’t say this in the way of you looking like a masculine woman or something, but that in a way people know you were not born female. In my experience, the trans women who pass started transitioning as minors or just won the genetic lottery. I’ve found they’re a minority of trans women. Unfortunately, you have to keep this in mind before doing anything. I was told I would pass, but after nearly 5 years on hormones that never came to pass. Like I said, the reality is way different than the fantasy.

It’s not to say that transitioning can’t be worth it regardless, but I find that a lot of people set their expectations way too high for transition and then reality hits them hard and they can’t handle it. Just know what you may be going into and manage those expectations and know that all your problems won’t be magically solved.

Not really sure to be honest. There's some really stupid stuff I had said during transition that in hindsight I am embarrassed over. I do think that transitioning looked kind of ridiculous for me in hindsight and I could understand now why some people around me thought that way. So yeah, transitioning was kind of embarrassing, but I also realize that lots of people make stupid life decisions and that's just part of life sometimes.

At the same time, after adamantly defending my trans identity for years, buying into the "it's transition or suicide" narrative and then all of a sudden realizing I was wrong can be embarrassing. Should it be embarrassing? Probably not given how heavily influenced a lot of us were by trans stuff at a young age. We are super impressionable when we are young.

I did not transition as young as you (I was 19), but after I detransitioned I discovered that everyone in my family was being told by the therapist I saw that I will take my own life if they did not support me. Emotionally manipulated into believing it was supporting me or pretty much killing me. I know people will say I was an adult and made a conscious decision, but when the therapist and doctors are not being 100% honest and doing their due diligence, it's hard to argue that a patient or their family is making an informed decision.

It wouldn't matter to activists if the brain difference argument was proved 100% anyway. They'll decry that it is transphobic, as it will inevitably deny a portion of people's trans identity. What it would do, however, is give physicians a reason to deny HRT and surgery to people who are not actually gender dysphoric, distinguish dysphoria from just regular body dysmorphia and refer them to more psychological care.

It's important to remember too, while I'm sure there are "real trans people," activists' definition of being trans is so inconsistent that it means virtually nothing. Under their current framework, anyone can say they are trans and they must be accepted as such. No questions asked.

I can relate to other LGBT people as I am bisexual with a preference for men, so I can relate a lot to gay and bi men just by being of the same demographic. I remain pretty solidly liberal, however, despite any issues that they may have. I'm not a one-issue voter where some trans stuff is enough for me to do a 180 on a significant amount of my values.

I was never like some masculine boy growing up either. I’ve theorized that this fact was one of the main reasons I transitioned. Being a feminine guy is still sadly looked down upon.

If it helps any, I medically transitioned for nearly 5 years and have since detransitioned and found a good place for myself as a man again. It’s not to say I don’t struggle sometimes, but it’s better than where I was.

The important thing is to not beat yourself up and to give yourself time. I don’t know if it’s a perfect analogy, but for some of us transitioning was like a self inflicted wound, and it takes time, like any injury, to recover from it. Some people will take longer than others to recover, and that’s okay.

Please reach out for help. You don’t have to eat yourself alive and be alone in all this. Please reach out to a professional. They can aid you in the struggles you are going through, including the gender ones.

In the long run, please drop the negative influences. From what I have read, it doesn’t feel like the people you are talking to have your best interests in mind. 4chan, in all honestly, and to some extent all social media, can have some pretty awful people on them. I would disconnect with these people and find friends and communities that help you find happiness and actually care about you. Don’t let others views about you determine your happiness. You must do what is right for you, whether you transition or not.

As someone who has struggled with depression and has strongly considered taking his own life, just take things one day at a time. One step at a time, one breath at a time. Focus on today, getting through it, setting small goals for yourself, going to bed, and taking the next day on its own. While I am not perfect, I try to remember this: every day is a gift and being alive is a tremendous gift. This isn’t meant to guilt you or anyone struggling with these issues, but something I have come to realize when going through mine. I won’t say that life is perfect and you won’t have hard times, but I try to remember that.

I will just say again: please seek out professional help. You don’t have to struggle alone. You are capable of being loved. You can find friends. I have no doubt of that.

It’s sadly become common for people to claim a trans identity and then live as they are always have so they can feel special and face none of the consequences. A way of identifying yourself into a minority without the hardships. It’s especially insulting to the actual trans people and other minorities.