My whole journey with transition started when I was a teenager. I never felt comfortable with the changes of puberty, especially developing breasts. I hated them and felt like my body was betraying me. I spent a lot of time online and was heavily influenced by what I saw in trans communities; it felt like an escape from the discomfort and the low self-esteem I was struggling with. I also think my deep anxiety and depression played a huge part in why I latched onto the idea that changing my body was the solution.

I socially transitioned first, and then I pursued medical transition. I took testosterone for several years. It made my voice drop permanently, which is something I really struggle with now. People often mistake me for a man, especially at my new job, which is in a male-dominated industry. It’s a constant, painful reminder of everything I went through.

The biggest thing I did was get top surgery. I had my breasts removed. I was so sure it was what I needed to be happy, to finally feel right in my skin. But now, my chest is flatter than the men I work with, and instead of feeling free, it just makes me feel empty. It’s a daily reminder of a choice I can’t take back. I deeply regret it.

I also had a hysterectomy; they removed everything but my ovaries. At the time, I was told this was the right path. But no one ever sat me down and talked to me about the future, about how I might feel one day. I never realized that my desire to not have children could change. Now I’m with a wonderful man, and we talk about our future. He says he would love to adopt with me, and I know he would be an amazing father. But I am now infertile because of the surgery. I know for a fact that I can’t have children, and it breaks my heart. There’s a special bond from having your own kids that I think I’ll always mourn not getting to have with him. I’m realizing that “informed consent” was bullshit; I was too young and too unwell to truly understand the lifelong consequences.

Now, I’m trying to find my way back to feeling like myself. I’m growing my hair out from being super short. It’s not even a centimeter long right now, and it feels like it’s taking forever. I just want to feel cute and pretty again. I think about getting a wolf cut one day, and I use headbands to try and feel more feminine while I wait for it to grow. I’ve even thought about getting fake boobs or padded bras so my chest doesn’t look so flat under my clothes, just to feel a little bit more normal.

Through all of this, the hardest thing has been trying to internalize that despite everything—the surgeries, the hormones, the deep voice—I am still a woman. It’s so hard for me to get that through my head sometimes. My body is permanently changed, but I am learning to accept who I always was underneath it all. I have a lot of regrets about transitioning, especially the physical changes. I wish I had dealt with my underlying trauma, depression, and self-esteem issues instead of changing my body.