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About me
My difficult childhood made me fear becoming a man like my father, so I clung to my mother and mimicked her. I later confused a fetish and my trauma for being transgender, seeing it as an escape from myself. After researching, I learned medical transition doesn't fix the underlying pain and decided against it. I now see my struggle was never about gender, but about trauma and anxiety. I'm focused on healing from that instead.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was very young, shaped by a difficult and traumatic childhood. My father was violent and narcissistic, and I suspect he was closeted. My mother had her own struggles; she was likely depressed and overwhelmed, and our relationship had a borderline incestuous feel to it. I had intense separation anxiety and a massive, lifelong fear of abandonment. I think I clung to my mother as a safe space and mimicked her to feel close to her. I also believe she encouraged my feminine behavior to provoke my father.
When I hit puberty, around age 11 or 12, I experienced what I now recognize as autogynephilia (AGP). It was a fetishistic arousal at the idea of being female. For me, this mostly went away as I got older, started masturbating, and began to find real women attractive, though some related kinks stayed. I also had a deep discomfort with the idea of growing up to be a man like my father. The thought of becoming a dangerous, violent man was terrifying to me, and it made sex and my own masculinity feel alien and shameful.
I spent a lot of time online, and I was influenced by the discussions I saw. It’s hard to have a real exchange of ideas on platforms like Reddit, which pushed me to look elsewhere, but that came with its own problems. I started to think my feelings of not fitting in were because I was trans. I now see that a lot of my desire to transition was a form of escapism. I wasn't running toward being a woman; I was running away from the trauma of my childhood and the man I was afraid of becoming. I think for some men, AGP can become a powerful paraphilia that drives them to do extreme things, and it should be treated with therapy to help direct sexuality in a healthier way, similar to how other paraphilias are approached.
I also see strong parallels between my experience and conditions like anorexia. I watched a documentary about anorexic girls and saw myself in them. They were terrified of growing up and becoming women, wanting to stay childlike to avoid the pressures of the world and perhaps to avoid attracting male attention. My desire to transition felt similar—a fear of growing up into the adult role I was supposed to fill.
I never fully medically transitioned, but I considered it deeply. I researched heavily and came across studies, like the large Swedish one, that showed transition doesn’t decrease suicidality and that mortality, especially from suicide, remains high even years after surgery. This was a major factor in my decision not to pursue hormones or surgery.
I have a lot of regret for the time and mental energy I spent down that path. I now believe my issues were never really about gender. They were about trauma, anxiety, and a low self-esteem that made me look for a complete escape from myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about trying psychedelic drugs like ketamine or shrooms to help with the trauma. I feel like some wires in my brain were crossed wrong as a kid, and these substances might help create new neuroplasticity, calm my nervous system, and help me process everything.
My thoughts on gender now are that it's often a symptom of deeper psychological issues, not always a cause. For me, it was a misguided solution to a very different problem.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Early Childhood | Experienced early trauma and developed intense separation anxiety and fear of abandonment. Clung to mother and mimicked feminine behavior. |
| 11-12 | Hit puberty. Experienced autogynephilia (AGP), which mostly faded later. Felt deep discomfort with the idea of becoming a man like my father. |
| Teen Years/20s | Spent significant time online, influenced by trans communities. Began to socially identify as non-binary as a form of escapism from my trauma and self. |
| Late 20s | Researched medical transition extensively. Discovered studies showing high long-term suicide rates post-transition, which deterred me. |
| Present | Realized my desire to transition was rooted in trauma, not gender identity. Now focused on addressing my underlying trauma and anxiety. |
Top Comments by /u/CoolEmployment5080:
Men "check out" more too, a lot more.
Men unalive themselves 3-4x more than women, for a variety of reasons, but probably also in this case.
Unfortunately, some studies do suggest that transition does not decrease suicidality. The largest swedish study on long term fully transitioned found:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3043071/
"..The overall mortality for sex-reassigned persons was higher during follow-up...than for controls of the same birth sex, particularly death from suicide... Sex-reassigned persons also had an increased risk for suicide attempts.."
And
"..Mortality from suicide was strikingly high among sex-reassigned persons, also after adjustment for prior psychiatric morbidity..."
This study also shows that mortality increases sharply after 10 years of follow up, while most studies that suggest puberty blockers etc, only look at short term results.
I think the simple thing is that for fetishistic stuff, men will do a lot of dangerous stuff as long as it gets them off. Like the Kill Bill actor who was found hanged, erotic asphyxiation, in a Bangkok hotel after having seen a ladyboy.
Men are much more paraphiliac than women. More pedophiles, more furries, more sadistic and if you have one paraphilia, then you usually have more.
AGP is not always, but often, a paraphilia. At least it can turn into a paraphilia. In my opinion, it should be treated like other paraphilias like pedophilia. No, not comparing it, but the treatment should be the same. Therapy and attempting to direct sexuality towards a suitable sexual partner.
Yeah, it really is sad that there can't be a full exchange of ideas on this topic on Reddit, because while you can on X, it also has a ton of people who just sling shit on everything. As it is now, it is practically impossible to have certain discussions on Reddit, not only this topic.
I had some AGP as a pre-teen in early puberty, but it mostly went away with puberty, masturbation and finding real life women attractive. I feel as if some personality traits remained though and some different, but somewhat similar kinks.
For me, I had a very traumatic childhood with both physical and psychological violence from my narcissistic and likely closeted father and borderline incest from my mother.
I also had intense separation anxiety and was and is hypersensitive (but not emphatic).
I used to think my trauma was later, brought on by my fathers violence, but I think probably I had very early trauma. Probably because my mother was practically alone with twins and likely was depressed, dissociated and overwhelmed. I imagine I learned to scream and cry as much as possible to get my mother's attention. I also think this could explain my intense separation anxiety and my lifelong massive fear of abandonment.
If I were to guess, I am thinking this fear of abandonment, of death, probably made me mimic and cling to my mother. It became a safe space and I remember thinking of her almost like a godess, my source of all pleasure and joy.
I also think she encouraged my feminine behaviour to provoke my father, because she likely suspected him of being gay/bi and thought seeing his son acting feminine would provoke him to pay attention to her.
In any case, I certainly found the idea of growing up as a man like my father unpleasant to think about. Not only would I become a dangerous violent man, who showed no physical or emotional interest in my mother and what did that say? That my mother must have had sex with my father regardless? Sex was very alien and shameful to me as a result of all of the above.
I've been thinking a lot about doing Ketamine or Shrooms for this reason.
I often feel as if some wires in my head were crossed wrong as a child due to trauma.
Shrooms and even ketamine seem to be able to create new neuroplasticity. To unscramble my crossed wires so to speak. Get the trauma out, calm the nervous system.
I think for women, anorexia is definitely a very, very similar condition to trans.
I watched a documentary about anorexic teenage girls some years ago, that great british guy, Louis Theroux, and all the time I had this feeling that these girls were just deadly afraid of growing up and becoming women who had to deal with the world.
They wanted to stay girls. To be protected by their parents. They wanted to be skinny to have a pre-puberty body, that perhaps, wouldn't attract men. I considered they were lesbian.