I was the 15 year old freaking out on here two years ago about deciding to detransition (and, thank God, leaving Islam). I don’t even know where to start, but please feel free to ask questions and I will explain my story! (I thought I posted this last night but it turns out I didn’t put it on the detrans forum, whoops).

Long story short, I am done with all my crazy phases, embracing being female, and waiting to start puberty since I am finally restoring my weight after anorexia (which started right after getting my blocker out).

It has been a crazy, crazy ride and I’m finally starting a real life that is not burdened by religion, gender and obsessive exercise/diet. I could not be happier.

Wait for real?! I have actually never spoke to another person around my age in this same situation with blockers (not ever going thru female puberty). I forgot how scared I was to detransition, too. I was scared of having to see family again and felt ashamed, like I was another gullible victim of making decisions too fast.

So, I socially transitioned when I was 6/7ish. I just really wanted to be a boy. I was a major tomboy, peed standing up, loved football. Keyword “wanted”, and this was read as gender dysphoria, because of my coexisting behavioral issues, by a specialist who diagnosed me and recommended transition. My name was Hannah before, and I changed it to Charlie (I still go by Charlie now since it’s a girl’s name too and I don’t really connect with Hannah at this point). I was on the path for blockers and hormones to mimic male puberty. I got blockers at 12, before ever developing breasts and a period (though I had some nipple swelling and more discharge than normal towards the later end). They put me on low dose T cream, which I practically begged for, do NOT listen to twelve year olds. I started growing and my voice changed although although they said it wouldn’t yet.

By the time I got off T and blockers at 15, I had stomach hair and tons of muscle, and my voice stayed low (though it’s more neutral now. I made peace with it).

I feel more non-binary as well, but to me that doesn’t make me any less female, because surprise!! My chromosomes are XX. Anyhow, it’s easier for me to say now that I’ve overcome the fears, but your detransition will be so worth it and your body will be much healthier will the hormones that were meant to be in it. People will judge MUCH less than you think.

Feel free to PM me. I’d love to hear your story too!!

Thank you ❤️ And I am honestly happy to talk about anything or answer any questions.

My theory, for me at least, is that eating disorders are a subconscious way for us to escape gender by whittling our bodies down and finding control over other things when our bodies are about to go through uncontrollable and maybe uncomfortable changes. And was a really long sentence, I hope you can make sense of it…

Anyhow, my main motivation to recover was just to be healthy. I found it helpful to “scare myself” out of it by looking at the facts: if you are underweight, you will lose (or severely delay until basically adulthood, like me) your period. A lack of estrogen/a period can cause serious effects like osteoporosis later on. You do NOT want that.

There’s not really much I can say since I know how powerful obsessive thoughts are. But please know that I never thought I’d be able to live with myself over 81 pounds. I didn’t want to recover. But you really, really have to push past it. I cannot describe how much more alive I feel. There is SO much you can do when you are not obsessing over your body and food. I am mountaineering, doing gymnastics, working and making bank, and going to work on a farm. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this when I was sick. Push yourself, give yourself time, and find things you love to do. Please, take it from me. It’s not worth it. Eat well ❤️❤️

The medical system these days :)))

To be fair it was not the shots, it was a low dose cream that supposedly mimicked male puberty for someone my age. But my voice is still unusually low for a female, which sucks, and my hormones are probably more screwed up that they would have been with just the eating disorder.

Kids that age should not be getting any sort of cross hormones. Period. Looking back now I cannot BELIEVE how young that was.

I think it did for me. I remember journaling how I felt going off hormones and saying I felt really weak and nauseous. That started my weight loss (also stopped working out so lost lots of muscle) and from there kind of got addicted to the feeling of losing weight and eating very little.

First of all, are you a deadhead, too!? I saw your username. I meant to say “what a long strange trip it’s been” in my post but forgot. If you aren’t, disregard that haha.

This will be a very long ramble but there is a lot to say. Bear with me. I converted when I was 13 by going to a masjid and taking my shahada. I practiced hardcore, Sunni, straight-from-Hadith-and-Qur’aan Islam. In retrospect, I turned this into the eating disorder of religion: I learned classical Arabic (I still can read it pretty well now which is cool!), prayed 5 times a day 99% of the time. When I didn’t I made them up and made taubah. Always kept my wudu’ for prayer and touching the Qur’an, made ghusl even after having “impure” dreams, fasted, didn’t even touch women, didn’t listen to music, etc. I was always stressed and guilty and missed music and mingling so much. Being transgender was like being a living sin, and I followed all the rules for males and was basically in denial that I was female.

When I first started considering detransition, I was actually still practicing Islam. I planned to start wearing hijab and was preparing to be all-out feminine since being a masculine woman and vice versa is a great sin. I tried by myself and hated every second of it. I eventually just cracked under the pressure and stopped practicing, finally admitting to myself that the God I was “worshipping” was just out of fear (which, in Islam, is actually the goal) and I felt absolutely nothing in my heart. To be honest, I feel like I was missing a year and a half of life.

I’m by no means atheist and believe in a loving higher power. I like to question everything now. I think my conversion to Islam was just about finding control and a sense of direction: if I do X, Allah will reward me with Y. If I do Z, I will spend eternity in hell. So do X, don’t do Z, etc. I respect people who can truly find peace within Islam, or who can extrapolate its peaceful teachings to this day and age. But I don’t sugarcoat it anymore like I used to—If you really follow Islam the way it is “supposed” to be followed, you can’t really have a life outside of it, and there’s going to be a lot of repression, shame, guilt, and stress. That wasn’t for me. If you’re still reading to here, whew, thanks! I don’t really talk about this that much. I could discuss Islam for days straight since I have so much “leftover” knowledge I want to put somewhere useful.

Of course! I haven’t had an official lab in a while (6 months?) but at that time my estrogen was at prepubescent levels and there was no development. I was plateaued at 98 pounds (at 5’6) for a while, and was having a mental block gaining weight, so I’m sure my hormones weren’t very happy about that. But now I am for real gaining weight again, so I bet my hormone levels are maybe getting higher, though we haven’t gotten a chance to do a more recent lab.

Good news is that I’m noticing a small bit of discharge (it was always completely bone dry before), and maybe a little bit of nipple swelling, but I don’t want to jinx it!