A lot of the time transition is advertised as feel-good magic that solves all of a person's problems and sadness. Don't feel like yourself or like you belong in your own body? Transition will help! The issue is, sex dysphoria isn't the only health issue out there that can cause those feelings.

There's body dysmorphia, eating disorders, sexual or childhood trauma, and BPD to name a few that can all manifest those feelings of disliking one's body or not feeling like themselves. Really anything that causes dissociation symptoms can, too. It's not that these people are prescribed medical transition to treat those specific conditions though, they have those conditions but are misdiagnosed as dysphoric because the symptoms sound too similar the way they have been described. Probably also because the diagnostic criteria for dysphoria and transitioning is too loose and floaty now. If it really tightened up and got specific about only being for feelings of sex dysphoria and defining what sex dysphoria is and what constitutes it and what does not, maybe there wouldn't be as many cracks for misdiagnosed people to fall through. This kind of crack-down on being honest, specific, and direct is needed or we are gonna keep seeing more and more detransitioners, which means more people who were hurt and broken by the transition clinic system than there are people who were helped by it. A net loss of happiness and net gain of misery.

I really do feel terrible for all the misdiagnosed people out there though, especially the kids. A misdiagnosis of something that severe and permanent can seriously break your trust, especially with doctors and medical professionals, and it's not at all an easy thing to go through.

I'm very sorry to hear that you've been struggling like this, and that people have been treating you poorly on top of it. I wish I could give you some answers or magic to make things better for you and solve this, because especially when you are dysphoric it's all very very complicated and not simple to figure out.

The only thing I can try is asking you questions and hope that it sparks something helpful in your thoughts, maybe offer some advice but no promises on if that advice will be helpful to your situation specifically or not, but it's worth a try!

Maybe start considering, deeply, why you like having a beard and being male-presenting. You like being perceived as male? Is it because it's subconsciously tied to that you like how you are treated better when you are seen as male, and dislike how you are treated when you are seen (or attempting to be seen) as female? Is being seen as male an escape for the feelings of humiliation and inadequacy, the feeling of (I assume, correct me if I'm wrong) failing as a female? I know it's much easier said than done, but at the end of the day regardless how people treat you or how you look, you are still female. That's not something the meanest bully in the world could take away from you. Just because you don't fit what people think of when they think of the word 'female' or 'woman' doesn't mean they are the ones who decide whether or not you are that. It'll be hard to work through that factor of social rejection, but I think once you carry yourself with confidence and hold strength in the truth, it'll hopefully make a difference for the better.

As for dealing with dysphoria... I'm not sure. That would definitely be something to find a therapist or counsellor of some sort for, since it's a medical/mental health topic. It's unfortunate your current one isn't helping much with it. I'm also someone who still has dysphoria and probably still will after detransitioning, so it's possible that you won't get a clean slate with no problems either way, no matter what path you choose you'll still have some kind of emotional boogeyman looming over your shoulder that you'll have to turn and face eventually. I think it's a matter of picking your battles and choosing which boogeyman you'd rather fight.

No matter what you choose and where you go from here, good luck to you! Remember it's okay if you make a decision that seemed right at first but turned out to be a mistake. Keep moving forward and keep your health and happiness at the forefront of your mind.

Yeah, I was thinking either tomboy or crossdresser, or both. I lean more towards crossdresser because that feels like it fits me better since 'tomboy' can pretty much mean any degree of masculinity and lots of women who are tomboys are still feminine in some way like in hairstyle, clothing, makeup, speech mannerisms, etc. and I feel introducing myself as a crossdresser would give people a clearer idea of what to expect of just how masculine I am. I'm sure I'll figure it out through trial and error! I think the best bet would to look for a therapist that specifically does work with detransitioners, and preferably only detransitioners and not current transgenders. That might be a needle in a haystack find though, especially when considering insurance coverages and all that!

Anyway, thank you for your kind words. :)

Hm, I think it'd be best to go to a doctor about this, an endocrinologist if you can. Maybe even the doctor that gave/prescribed you the shot in the first place. It could be good to go back and tell them you're not sure it was the right choice, hopefully they will do their duty as healthcare providers and help you figure out how to reverse or combat it. Regardless of who you ask though it will be a matter of medical intervention if you want to try and undo or minimize the effects of the shot.

This is a lovely idea! I just have one question, are you only looking for poems with subjects about or relating to the experience of being a desisted/detrans/etc woman, or can the subject of the poem be anything so long as the author is a desisted/detrans/etc woman?