I just want to say I’m so sorry for the experience you’ve had. I experience a similar journey, including a lot of religious upbringing and associated trauma for being a nonconforming woman and closeted lesbian. I’ve also had awful experiences with men and trans women.

You are not broken. You are not alone. You’re perfect the way you are. There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian and not dating trans women.

The things that have helped me most have been a) practicing radical self acceptance b) therapy with someone who specializes in trauma / sexual assault and is not explicitly pro trans (Psychology today has a fantastic website where you can search for, filter, and screen therapists) c) disconnecting from trans spaces and d) giving myself lots and lots of patience and love

Sending you all of the best on your healing journey! You got this

I wish I had learned to love myself as I was first.

There were so many red flags that I ignored because at the time I transitioned, I also was leaving an abusive marriage to a man, realizing I was a lesbian, accepting that I had childhood SA, and leaving the religion I was raised in. I had always been masculine and “weird.” I was never ladylike and hated being put into a box.

Looking back, it’s obvious now that I transitioned because I was trying to get as far away as possible from myself and my trauma and the misogynistic world I was raised in. I was on T for almost 5 years and had top surgery. I wish I had loved myself as I was and that I had the confidence and freedom to realize that I could have expressed myself however I wanted without medicalizing and harming my body.

I wish I had accepted and embraced my lesbianism and general nonconformity before harming my body.

I wish I had known that people change. I wish I had known that it’s perfectly okay to have phases and to experiment with self expression and growth.

What made me eventually detransition was healing myself and realize that I should be unapologetically authentic and I didn’t need to put so much effort into being me. I could just be me. I didn’t need hormones or surgeries - I just needed to love myself. Especially when I started to do inner child healing and address a lot of the internalize homophobia and self hate that had been developed in childhood, I realized the trans stuff was just another way to disassociate. After a certain point it just felt wrong and fake.

I wish you all the best. It’s a rough place to be 💖

Hey I feel you. I had a similar experience and my top surgery did not turn out well either. I have yet to get laser for my face so I shave every day. I was on T for almost 5 years and presented as male for almost 7.

I torpedoed relationships when I came out as trans. My family cut me off. It was a mess. And when I first started to question everything and detransition it was so scary because I had fought so hard for it. At first it feels so overwhelming and exhausting. At 3 years post detransition tho, I am so glad I did and can say it gets easier. It’s really hard sometimes but, at least for me, much much easier than being trans.

My advice is to go slow. Take your time. Focus on internal changes first and start with how you see yourself.

Outward changes will take time, obviously. But you’ll get there. Having had a hysto, you might need to be on estrogen or something.

You can slowly rebuild your wardrobe- it doesn’t have to be all at once and styling goes a long way. You can style men’s clothes in a more feminine way for a bit. The name change is a pain in the butt but it’ll get done.

Your family members might cause issues but remember that you can only control your own self and actions. If they react negatively to you doing what’s best for you, that’s a reflection on them and their values. But in my experience you might be surprised at how people will adapt and adjust. Your trans family member might not but unfortunately all you can do is try to explain it to them as you doing what is most authentic for you. And they are young and likely still deep in the trans group think but you can’t help that. Who knows maybe you’ll be able to help them if they detransition in the future. But remember that you literally can’t please everyone. It’s impossible. All you can do is your best and live your life in a way that serves your own health and wellbeing.

It’s a huge process and a lot of change. But it’s also incredibly rewarding. Especially if you know that you are doing this for your benefit and to be authentically you. You’ve got this. Take it slow, take your time. People will adjust or they won’t. And if you’re happier and healthier at the end of it all, it’s worth it 💖

Feel free to dm or reach out if you need to talk or anything.

Hello! Sending you all the good thoughts and vibes. It sounds like you’re in a tough situation

The thing that stands out to me is how much you mention how this man’s opinion of you and how his comments affects your self worth and how you feel about yourself. That’s a little concerning and I hope you’re okay

Do you have anyone you trust to talk to who is not this man? Maybe a friend or a therapist or family member?

Sometimes people and situations can help us start to discover or uncover things about ourselves. I’m sure there are a lot of people here who have experiences that helped spark our detransition. Just make sure you’re starting this journey for you and you alone.

Is it possible to take a step back from the relationship for a short time to figure out how you feel on your own about this? It’s a big decision and a long process

Again, sending love. I wish you all the best and hope we can help

I had a similar experience. I also wasn’t born with a thyroid, so who knows how many issues that caused. Between that and PCOS, I had naturally high levels of testosterone. It absolutely led me to believe that I was “supposed” to be trans or have been a boy

You’re definitely not alone! As I healed my other trauma, I started to realize that being a trans man was a coping mechanism in reaction to internalized misogyny and trauma and dysmorphia. I was raised in an environment with rigid gender divisions and where I wasn’t allowed to do certain things because I was a girl.

Eventually I realized that when I said “I want to be a boy” when I was a kid, what I really meant was “I want to be free”

Hey I hear you! You are not alone. Thank you for reaching out

I was on T for about 5 and a half years and I had top surgery. I’ve been off hormones now for about three years. It took a solid year off hormones to start feeling like myself again. The first year or two are the hardest. And honestly it’s still hard. Occasionally I get misgendered. I’ve had massage clients refuse to work with me because “they only want a female therapist”

But also I get assumed as a woman more often than not. Most people just roll with it. Most days, I’m okay and proud of myself. The bouts of dysphoria are less and less

Everyone is different. Your individual healing journey is going to look different from anyone else’s. But it is possible. You got this 🧡

Things that helped me were actually styling my short hair into a pixie type style, grooming and caring for my body even when my body didn’t match what I wanted, practicing body neutrality and accepting myself for where I was. For me, internally referring my body and myself in feminine terms helped a lot too (as in “my body is trying her best to restore balance and heal”)

Hope this helps! You’re in the hardest part. It does get better

I understand where you’re coming from. And trying out gnc and androgynous expression won’t fix everything, but I know at least in my case, that absolutely would have helped. I think being raised in a hyper-binary world with extreme separation of men and women (I was raised very religious) does put a lot of pressure on people who don’t fit in with stereotypical, binary gender roles to “pick a side” or develop an internal narrative that well if I’m not x, I must be y.

Also ideally in this situation, people who experience dysphoria / dysmorphia need adequate mental health care to address that internalized feeling of “wrongness.”

I did have a therapist tell me outright it was impossible to be a man and it was wishful thinking. Technically, I agree with him now. But at the time it pushed me further into trans ideology. I had so much trauma that yet another man telling me I was foolish pushed me over the edge.

I think there’s a middle ground that allows people space in expression while avoiding jumping to medicalization. And in an ideal world, a culture of more acceptance of gender nonconformity would help. If I started having trans thoughts today as opposed to when I did in the early to mid aughts, I really don’t think I would have transitioned and would have been okay playing with my expression for a while.

But every human is unique and no experience is universal. I just think a cultural shift towards patience and acceptance towards experimentation in personal style would help a lot of people not go the medical route

Hi! This is a huge struggle and I really feel for you.

I’m a massage therapist in the deep South in the US and so I deal with people every day. Mostly people have been chill about it. But I’ve also had some really nasty people and a few guys complain that they actually wanted a female therapist and walk out.

Try to remind yourself that people’s reactions to you have a lot more to do with them than it does with you. Like you said, you know who you are. The people who care most about you know who you are.

It can be hard to keep that in mind with customers tho. Customers in general can be so rude to service workers. If they react negatively toward someone with androgyny or who doesn’t fit their expectations of how a person should look, that means they have some things in their experience and psyche that should be addressed. I think especially with women, there’s a lot of misogyny at play when we don’t act, look, and behave in ways that align with the roles society has laid out for us.

Personally, when it gets hard, I remind myself about the misogyny thing. Before my transition, I cut my hair super short because I had always wanted to and a person who abused me had always loved my long hair. It was an act of freedom for me. But people where I lived were still rude or acted weird because I wasn’t looking the way they thought a woman should.

It’s shitty. But it’s 100% on them. Sending you all the love 🧡