I'm so sorry. But everything WILL be okay. If you look at this as one huge thing it looks insurmountable, but break it down into small steps and take each step one at a time, and you will find it much easier. You've made the right first step by looking for a place to talk. A lot of us here are familiar with believing we needed to transition due to mental health problems.

Some guidance on steps (aside from the first one, do them in the order which makes you most comfortable; personally I waited until I passed as female again before name changes etc because it's less stressful. Don't feel you have to rush).

The first thing to do is stop T if you haven't. This will allow your body to begin refeminising as soon as possible. Refeminising can be more powerful than you might think. I stopped T 3 years ago, and I'm clearly female again. The body hair softened and gradually lessened, fat redistribution made my face and body look feminine again (you will find that your nose returns to the way it was - your bone structure won't have changed, it's just masculine fat distribution). Even the clit growth and voice drop lessened a bit, though for the most part those are permanent.

Research how much electrolysis or laser hair removal will cost for you and plan how to fund it if necessary. This will deal with the facial hair. It's very effective.

If your voice bothers you, then look into resources for MTF transitioners on voice training. Even some subtle changes can help to code your voice as a deeper female voice rather than a male one, and many people find deep voices on women very attractive.

Many women have flat chests and are extremely attractive with no difficulty finding partners. There are ways to dress to make a flatter chest feminine and flattering - google it. Surgery regret is really hard, so take plenty of time to grieve and explore your relationship with your body. I had a poor surgical result too, and am working on body acceptance. Surgical correction is a possible future option but I'd advise focusing on other things right now and weighing that up later.

Social stuff is trickier. I make a point of explaining that I needed to do what I did to understand myself and help myself grow into who I am now. Framing things positively is very powerful in helping others feel comfortable with what's going on with you. You can go slowly and gradually adopt a more androgynous presentation if that helps, or use a casual androgynous name, etc. The possibilities are more flexible than they might appear at first.

You seem overwhemed, so I hope this helps put some thoughts/emotions in order. My experiences have been similar. Feel free to ask any questions if it helps.

The last decade has produced a huge flood of young FTM trans people. It used to be that MTF transitioners heavily outnumbered FTMs. When there started being about the same number of both, that seemed an interesting change, but perhaps not unreasonable. But now gender clinics are reporting that FTM kids are way outnumbering MTFs. Now that transition is easier to access and more readily available to people who do not transition simply out of desperation, what could be causing so many young females to want to become boys, when the figures used to be the exact opposite?

I don't think I need to try to answer the question, but clearly this strangely high number of young FTMs aren't all good candidates for transition.

Thanks for posting this. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to reach the point you've arrived at. I don’t know if you've read other stories here, but you are really not alone. A lot of us understand what you're going through and you'll find a lot of support here. I also came to realise I really admired confident masculine women and that that was what I wanted. We all have our own journeys to who we are, and some of them are difficult.

A few things which may help. I was on T for 6-7 years as well, and while things like this will vary from person to person, I refeminised pretty completely over the following few years. It took time so you may need patience, but my body hair reduced (most of the new hair follicles seem to still be there, but the hair became fine and soft enough that it's not very noticeable), my face and body look female again, and thankfully my hair came back - it's not as thick as it was pre-T but the thinning crown and receded hairline filled back in. The voice and facial hair are the things to focus on, as mostly you need to let your body do the rest. I'm doing some voice training, which is helping (there are great resources out there for mfs) and fortunately E makes the beard hair grow slower so shaving works OK, but I'm intending to have laser to remove it.

Regarding T and health problems, I'm sorry you weren't believed. Though they weren't anything like as serious as yours, T caused me health complications as well. I actually used this to my advantage to make detransition easier, which may help you too, especially as you have anxiety. I explained to anyone who needed to know that I stopped T because it was causing health problems, which was true but meant I didn't have to launch into a difficult personal explanation about transition doubts. I am currently presenting androgynously and still using my male name, and I found it helpful to figure things out in that “middle ground” for a while. I only recently realised I need to fully detransition, but this gradual approach is working well and less stressful.

This isn't an area I know much about, but I wouldn’t worry too much about this being caused by mental health issues. It sounds well-reasoned, and if you literally tried transition and it made your life this much worse in so many ways, I don't think you could possibly come to a more thorough conclusion that it wasn't the right direction.

Although it sounds counterintuitive, I haven’t seen “minor dysphoria” detransitioners being a big problem. People with minor dysphoria for whom transition isn't the right thing generally seem to desist prior to physical transition or stop early in the process because it’s easier for them to do so. This means that (interestingly and perhaps contrary to people's assumptions) most people in detrans spaces like this one actually had, and sometimes still have, pretty severe dysphoria. Most of us, including me, could never have guessed we'd detransition.

I find it equally impossible to go on living as male having understood that's not authentic for me, but the fear is hard. I thought I spent the 10+ years I lived as a man meditating and working hard on myself so that I could be the best kind of man I could be, but it ended up being so I could become someone strong enough to detransition. Without all that personal fortification behind me, I don't think I could even have got to the place where I recognised the psychological mechanisms behind my transition, let alone actually go through with reclaiming femaleness. But one thing I will suggest is to try not to look at what's ahead of you as a long list like that. Planning is useful, but plan and then put the list out of your mind. It's always going to look overwhelming like that. As you've determined it's the right thing for you to do, which is in itself a significant step forward, just focus on taking one step at a time. If you keep directing your attention to the step you're currently taking, and away from future ones or what the final result will be, it will reduce the fear and overwhelm around what you're doing, and you'll get to where you need to go just the same.

I was surprised by how easy it was to readjust to estrogen. I worried about that too, because I felt so much better after I initially started T, but I'm a different and stronger person than I was. It turned out to be OK once I was through the adjustment period and to an extent I actually enjoyed rediscovering the different ways my body works with its original setup.

You didn't mention having any surgeries. If you haven't, you can go back to being female without too much difficulty in physical terms. I pass as female again and I was on T for over 6 years and had top surgery.

If you are questioning, I suggest stopping T without telling anyone (except perhaps a therapist, as it sounds like therapy through this would be really valuable for you). Refeminising takes some time and no one will notice any difference. This way you can allow your body to readjust (you may feel low or tired for a while, while it figures out what's up) and see how you feel off T without having to commit to anything. Take it as slow as you need to. I stopped T 3 years ago and only recently firmly decided to detransition. This slow approach worked well for me as I was able to really thoroughly figure things out and I can pass as female easily now. T effects almost all melt away. I do advise stopping ASAP if you're having doubts, because facial hair in particular will continue to develop if you don't. That's my only real enduring problem (I'm planning to have laser).

A combination of PTSD and being drawn in by internet communities is common to many of us here. But it honestly is not too late or irreversible at all. I realise it feels like the end of the world right now, but you're still at the beginning of your life. Detransitioners are often amazed by how positive family are about detransition (they're often very relieved) and others can surprise us too. If it helps with trans friends, I don't see anything wrong with saying you realised you're NB instead of binary trans, an approach to refeminising which is generally met with enthusiasm by trans people and allies. There are ways around all the hurdles. You need to meet each small hurdle one at a time instead of viewing them as one terrifying mountain, because they aren't that. And as you seem to have figured out, life without the trans thing is so much easier and a huge relief.

It's great that you voiced all this and many people here understand what you're experiencing. I hope you can figure things out.

Your post is a bit confused. You seem to have confused "detransition" with "stopping presenting masculine and starting presenting feminine". That's not related to detransition at all. I am a masculine-presenting female who has had top surgery and used to take T, and I haven't changed my presentation at all. If I hadn't had top surgery I'd still be binding because I don't imagine for a moment that my chest dysphoria would suddenly disappear. The only real difference is that I'm going to have an F on my ID and remove my facial hair.

I think you've had some good replies already, but from your post I am struggling to understand why you aren't presenting masculine, binding, having mens' haircuts etc. Is it just because of your mother? If so, you need some therapy specifically about that relationship to free yourself from the control she's exerting over you. You seem to be conflating those things with transition in a confusing way. Are you from a conservative environment which has caused you to conclude that being female equates being feminine? Many masculine women essentially look and behave as men without testosterone in the picture for a wide variety of reasons (many simply because they aren't interested and prefer to try to make the world a better place for masculine women, rather than reinforcing the social gender binary by transitioning).

You clearly have a lot of anger, but you are misplacing it; detransition is neither here nor there. I do think you came to a good place for advice, but it is abuse and mental health struggles which are interfering with your life progress and happiness. I hope you'll start presenting masculine again in order to be authentic to yourself, and seek help for your mental health difficulties. Once you've worked through those things, I encourage you to then explore what, if any, further needs you have for medical transition. I wish you the best.

I found that my own gender identity sort of dropped away after having spent many years living as a man, and I no longer felt like a man or a woman. That was among the reasons I chose to detransition; upholding the acquired gender role required more emotional effort than not and doing so no longer felt right. However, and I think this is important, my loss of identification with gender clearly arrived as part of a healing process and was therefore easily confirmed as positive and the correct thing to follow. It sounds like your struggle with identity has occurred as part of a negative process of trauma/abuse/depression, which means you need your emotional health back before you can decide what to do. Therefore you absolutely need to take this apart with an experienced therapist who can help you figure out the best way forward. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and you deserve to feel that you can live it and engage with it, and share it with someone with greater respect for you. I don't know that anyone here will be able to advise much beyond that, but I wish you well and hope you find a path toward greater happiness.

It sounds like you're approaching this sensibly, which is a good sign. Looking outside the trans community for answers is smart, and if you continue to examine yourself criically you are at least reducing the chances of doing things you may regret (some trans people never do this). As you are probably aware, eliminating them is impossible. But here are some things I wish someone had told me.

First, you are very young. This means that you will change very dramatically as a person over the next ten years. In a decade you will no longer recognise your fifteen-year-old self as you, or agree with many of your current ideas, opinions or identities. You'll be embarrassed by much of what you were doing and thinking! This is the case for all people, trans or not, and even if they were fairly mature teenagers (maturity level will generally undergo the same relative increase). Social transition is fine, but permanent alterations to your body should be approached with great caution. Your current feelings are not the only thing you should be observing, but also the way they evolve over a number of years. We know that people generally settle into permanent adult identities in their mid-twenties, and that's a long way off.

Secondly, there are many long-term implications of being transgender. If you have long-term, ongoing, severe dysphoria, and it does not seem rooted in any other issues or responsive to therapy, then permanent transition is probably worth it. I am reasonably confident in saying this due to the degree of relief transition brought me initially and observation of some trans people. However, if the dysphoria turns out to become a less pressing concern in adulthood, or is helped by small transition steps rather than major ones, it is not worth it, in my opinion. Many other trans people (who do not detransition) display a continued focus on their gender issues and inability to find peace.

You mentioned wanting to be an artist. If you want a successful career in any field, but particularly one in which you yourself are essentially the brand, you need to consider that being permanently visible as transgender is an almost insurmountable handicap. The number of visibly trans people who become successful in any field which is not specifically LGBT/dramatically liberal is vanishingly small (any you've heard of probably either became successful before transition, or during stealth, specifically because they passed as cis). I could also name you many trans people who began successful and potentially famous careers, then came out as trans, and it was immediately over. All the gates slammed down. The adult world is not like liberal educational establishments or internet trans communities. Most people will accept you politely enough, but the world will be just uncomfortable enough about your existence that progressing through life will be... Disadvantageous. Difficult. Frustrating. In almost every respect. If you have any ambitions to travel, or your future self wants to? You will be unable to travel safely through much of the world and will experience difficulties with borders and IDs. Long-term HRT makes you a permanent medical patient, and if you develop any medical conditions or concerns, the likelihood of which is increased by HRT and surgeries, conventional medical staff will be confused by the way your body works, especially if you have issues relating to your biological sex. Navigating medical treatment will be made more complicated, difficult and embarrassing (and it's already complicated, difficult and embarrassing!). Coming out and explaining yourself constantly gets old fast. 95% of people in the world will be eliminated from your potential dating pool, and navigating relationships will become permanently challenging. That cute girl/guy with the great smile in the coffee shop you bump into to will not be interested in you. Navigating sports and gendered facilities will be complicated and difficult. I could go on, there's plenty more, but I think the point is made.

I'm not actually against physical transition steps entirely (my own did help me, at the time). But I lived this for twelve years and became deeply tired of it. I did not detransition because my dysphoria was gone (though over time it significantly reduced). I chose to identify as female again because after 12 years of paying all of this for a male identity, I realised the price was no longer worth it. Instead, I wanted to exchange the "identity" which had seemed so important to my younger self for the normal life others got to live, because I saw how much more that was worth in practical terms, and I regretted having permanently excluded myself from some of it. It's impossible to know how our priorities will change, and as an adult very different concerns become important. Permanent body alterations will affect you for the rest of your life, and I suggest you put a lot of time and thought into whether the reality of being trans (which may not be the same as what you are imagining) actually sounds like your "best life". I passionately believed it would be mine, but I ended up finding that lay in a dramatically different place than I'd expected. I never needed that long, complicated, expensive, stressful journey. My best self was down the back of the couch cushions the entire time.

Yes, and this is problem is common not just for detransitioners. People frequently talk in trans subs about changes to dysphoria as they transition - essentially, having resolved something, the dysphoria moves somewhere else (I'm sure this doesn't apply to everyone, but there's always something to be dysphoric about if you're trans). Most trans people who experience this seem to see it as impetus to continue or accept it as an inevitability of their experience, while those who feel like they are chasing their tail and stop are a minority, but it's definitely a common reason for detransitioning.

Top surgery helped me a great deal, but T not so much, because it really put rockets on my sense of maleness and connection with the male aspects of my body - and its lack thereof. It heightened dysphoria in a number of ways because it made me even more aware that I couldn't ever be fully male - particularly, severe genital dysphoria I hadn't previously had which made me feel unable to have a fulfilling sexual relationship. I loved many things about T and it was a crossroads at which my life could have taken two different directions, because it was genuinely difficult to stop and begin working on body acceptance instead. But having surrendered that because I realised it wasn't solving my problem, I've been able to work on other solutions with much more awareness and find a degree of comfort in my body I never imagined before. I wish it was possible to encourage more of this approach, because it has really helped me.