The poor soul. RIP

More blood on the hands of those promoting this dysfunction. We know that ~90% of dysphoric children will grow up to be healthy (often gay/lesbian) adults at peace with their birth sex. So we medicalize that 90% for the sake of 10%? These are indeed The Crazy Years ....

I can’t advise you, but as a person with a chronic medical condition I can tell you that being tied to the medical establishment sucks. Surgery hurts and is much worse these days because they’re so scared of addiction, you often don’t get the “good drugs” post-surgery. Fitting your life in around doctor/therapist appointments and pharmacy visits is a major pain in the tail.

Tl/dr: Medical transition should be an absolute last resort. It will tie you to the medical establishment for life. It will drastically limit your romantic/sexual possibilities and you probably wouldn’t end up as the pretty lady of your dreams - most transitioners don’t.

Have you considered therapy with a not-gender-therapist? Maybe some cognitive behavioral therapy?

I wish you all the best with your decision - and your life.

Okay, that was a bit reckless. The thing is though, we as a society know that teenagers often are a bit reckless for social and biological reasons. A sane society has guardrails - in the form of social norms and codified laws - to try to mitigate those tendencies and and guide vulnerable young people safely through their tumultuous years. We no longer live in a sane society.

Humans are social animals. We take belief and behavioral cues from the society around us. OP, I too had low self esteem and liked “boy things” as a youth but it never ever occurred to me that I was a boy. Why? Because the society around me was pushing an entirely different message at the time.

You were, shall we say, temporally unlucky. You came of age at a time when many gay rights activists/organizations had won their primary battle and were faced with a choice between declaring victory and going home or finding a new cause to keep the money coming in. Throw in a few ridiculously wealthy middle aged and older “trans” donors (cough, cough, Jennifer Pritzker, cough) and the next big “cause” was up and running.

When it comes to deciding who’s at fault for your situation, you’re nowhere near the head of the line. I hope you can forgive yourself for the mistakes of your youth and move forward.

I just want you to know that I hear you and that this is not all your fault. A lot of people, and institutions, that absolutely should have been gatekeeping and urging caution utterly failed in their duties towards people like you and your parents. You were forced to make decisions that you had neither the maturity nor the life experience to make and your parents were likely ill-advised.

In short, forgive yourself. You knew not what you did.

Just ... be cautious about permanently tying yourself to the medical establishment. As someone with a chronic medical condition, there’s nothing remotely amusing about unending doctors’ appointments, lab tests, and surgery. It sucks. If you can possibly avoid it, do so.

And be aware that physical transition will drastically limit your romantic and sexual choices.

I wish you the best of luck.

You have a right to feel your feelings. That said, your feelings may not reflect reality as others see it when looking at you. Being misled and undertaking a misguided course of action doesn’t make you a “freak” or worthy of contempt. It makes you human.

Perhaps you could find a sympathetic therapist? It really sounds as though you could use one.

One day at a time.

Good luck!

Please be gentle to yourself. You didn’t make “this mistake” in a vacuum - a confluence of social and political trends led you to think it was the right thing to do. The “experts” lied and you believed them.

It might have been a mistake, but it certainly wasn’t a sin and you’re not alone.

Maybe you and OP should get together in DMs for a chat? Sounds like you could both use a friend who really understands ....