This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic.
There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic detransitioner/desister. The comments display:
- A consistent, deeply personal narrative about desisting and a partner.
- Complex emotional reasoning and introspection about trauma.
- Varied language and sentence structure.
- A passionate, invested perspective that aligns with the stated experiences of many in the detrans community.
About me
My journey started because my abusive mother made me feel unsafe being a woman, so I tried to escape myself by transitioning. I now see that my rejection of being female was a way to repudiate the hurt child I had been, and transitioning was just another form of self-punishment. A month ago, I desisted and reclaimed my birth name and my natural femininity, which has brought me a huge sense of relief. My partner and I have dropped the act and are now nurturing each other's true masculine and feminine energies, which is healing us both. I'm finally on the path to healing the deep trauma that started it all.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started because of deep pain from my childhood. I had a very toxic and abusive relationship with my mother. She made me feel like it was unsafe to be a woman, to be feminine, or to even have a sexuality. I grew up feeling damaged, worthless, and broken. I believed so deeply that no man could ever truly love me, so I thought it was better to just become my own man. Underneath it all, though, I desperately wanted a husband and children, and that conflict between my longing and my self-hatred tore me apart.
I started identifying as nonbinary, and then transmasculine. It felt like a way to escape from the person I was, the girl who had been hurt so badly. I socially transitioned, changed my name, and used they/them pronouns. I even got into a dynamic with my partner where I had him call me "daddy" and I used very feminine nicknames for him, which was a complete reversal of our natural energies. I thought this was the answer, but there was always an underlying sense of wrongness that never went away. It was like putting a bandage on a wound that needed stitches; it might cover it up for a little while, but it doesn't actually fix anything.
My issues were rooted in trauma, not in being born in the wrong body. I now see that my rejection of my name and my sex was a way to repudiate my mother. I was trying to erase the child who had to survive under her painful influence. I developed an eating disorder, dabbled in hard drugs, and engaged in extreme BDSM and open relationships as a form of self-punishment. Transitioning was just another form of that self-abuse.
The turning point for me was about a month ago when I officially desisted and reclaimed my birth name. At first, it was tough to hear, but now it fills me with a sense of relief and positivity, especially when my partner uses it. I had a big conversation with my partner where I came out as detransitioned, and that changed everything. I stopped the power-play dynamics and let my natural femininity come back. This, in turn, brought out his natural masculinity. I started calling him "baby" and "my love," and he started calling me "sweetie."
Now, I'm actively working to nurture his manhood, to help him heal from his own trauma with his abusive father that made him doubt he could be a man. I do this by subtly building up his faith in himself, in the bedroom and in his career, and by allowing myself to be taken care of by him. I'm showing him that his masculinity can be safely appreciated by a loving woman. It’s been working; his depression has improved a lot, and he's been making progress in his work.
I benefited greatly from non-affirming therapy, specifically EMDR, which helped me get to the root of my trauma. I also found that energy healing, yoga, and acupuncture helped me get back in touch with my body and gave me the courage to desist. I was a hardcore atheist when I identified as trans, but now I believe in a kind of universal energy flow, even though I'm not religious.
I don't regret my social transition because it was a part of my journey that led me to this understanding. But I see now that transitioning doesn't cure the deep-seated feeling of wrongness; it just adds another layer to it. I believe that for me, and for many others, the desire to transition comes from trauma, internalized homophobia, and a deep lack of self-esteem. I'm finally on the path to truly healing that inner child I tried so hard to erase.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Childhood | Experienced ongoing trauma and a toxic relationship with my mother. |
| Early 20s | Identified as nonbinary and then transmasculine; socially transitioned and changed my name. |
| 23 | Was in a relationship with a trans woman, using reversed power dynamics. |
| 23 | Began EMDR therapy to address childhood trauma. |
| 23 (1 month ago) | Officially desisted; reclaimed my birth name and feminine identity. |
| Now (23) | Actively nurturing my own femininity and my partner's masculinity; focusing on healing. |
Top Comments by /u/Desist-Anon:
Returned to my birth name, and at first it was tough but now hearing it fills me with positive emotion and relief, especially when my partner uses it.
A lot of my issues with gender were linked to hatred of my mother. Especially for raising me in an environment where it was unsafe to be feminine, have a sexuality, or just to exist as a woman. I now realize I rejected and changed the name she gave me to repudiate her (though I wasn’t conscious of this at the time I did it).
To begin to resolve the hatred towards her and myself that has been destroying my life I have needed to reacclimate to my birth name. For me personally I must accept it to begin to accept the self I tried to eliminate through transness and a suicide attempt. The child who had to survive life under my mother’s painful influence uses my birth name, and I honor that child’s journey by reclaiming it. It is my name. That tortured child I tried to erase is me and I must reclaim her name to be free.
This is so sweet and reminds me of my own partner who is working through the difficult process of deciding whether or not to detransition right now. He’s also a gamer and loves FPSes too. I’m not a gamer myself but I hope you find the other gamers you seek, especially fellow detrans and desisted guys. Female community is very important to my mental health after desisting and I imagine it is similar for men.
Toxic relationship of any kind with one’s mother creates a fertile ground for being trans masc I think… she’s supposed to be our role model and protector in life and yet she abuses us instead. It is not so far a leap in the mind of a child from experiencing such abuse to associating women as an entire sex with evil. The ultimate woman in our lives acted hatefully. No wonder we did not want to become her.
I agree that no one wants gender dysphoria, but having gender dysphoria =/= being trans. People who transition do have to want to do it in order to follow through with it, and many want it because they think it will resolve the unbearable feeling of feeling inadequate or unsafe in their birth sex. People are told it’s the best way to cure that feeling when in fact taking steps to transition socially (as I did) and medically can ultimately worsen the issue and entrench the dysphoria.
It might feel like a relief at first but there’s always an underlying sense of wrongness and dysphoria while being trans that doesn’t go away. I’ve experienced it myself and seen it in my partner and former circle of friends. People never seem to be cured of dysphoria after that latest surgery though they celebrate on instagram as though they were. And then people continue to escalate to the next operation thinking it will resolve the core sense of wrongness but it never does. No different than a woman who gets plastic surgery over and over and imagines that the next lip injection or tummy tuck will be different and be the one that finally fixes her self esteem.
This forum is a good place to begin. Many of the posts here are very resonant stories of people learning to overcome this mental battle. r/acutal_detrans is a place where you’ll get dragged further into it and I would avoid it.
As to addressing your feelings for wishing to transition that won’t stop, I would recommend getting a trauma-informed therapist, perhaps someone who does EMDR. Do not see a gender therapist as they are trained to affirm a patient’s transness rather than investigate the root source. For me and for many many others here the desire to reject my sex was caused by a trauma that occurred in my childhood. As you search for the therapist try to journal about that age where you started feeling these feelings, were there any incidents that reinforced you being weaker than the other boys perhaps? Did you lack a stable father figure? These things can get lodged in your brain and body and affect you for years to come. Recovering from this fully means understanding where the feelings came from, and that now that you’re an adult and not that kindergartner you don’t need to hold onto them anymore.
I wish you peace and full healing <3
I have shared your feelings from the opposite side of things. I had childhood trauma involving my mother that left me feeling unworthy as a woman. I felt damaged, worthless, and broken. Felt like I knew beyond a doubt that no man could ever love me emotionally and sexually in the way I always dreamed. I believed it so deeply I thought it was better to be my own man, because no man could ever want to hold me and protect me and take care of someone like me.
Yet underneath all that, subconsciously, I desperately wanted my own husband and children. And the conflict between my longing and my sense of my own unworthiness drove me to an eating disorder, hard drug use, extreme BDSM, open relationships as a form of self punishment, social transition, and many other forms of self abuse.
My issues were all due to childhood trauma, which it sounds like you are aware that you have. You likely need a therapist’s help to fully work through this. I had great success with a EMDR specialist personally but you may have to experiment to find what works for you. I would also recommend journaling about your experiences, not just to rehash the pain but to imagine a future where you can resolve the inner conflict. Imagine being able to say “I am a man now and even though this abuse happened when I was a boy, I am now able to look with clear eyes at my suffering, let go of those difficult feelings from back then, and stay open to finding a woman who will love me as I long to love her.”
Believe in yourself. If you don’t give up hope your very longing and desire for a wife can help attract a good woman into your life.
One of the purest forms of love in the universe is that between a man and a woman. It can create a new life and a loving family. I want that fulfillment in my life just like you and no single radical feminist theory article can take that away from us.
Was a hardcore atheist while IDing as trans masc but then energy healing/yoga/acupuncture helped a lot with getting more in touch with my body and getting the courage to desist. Definitely not affiliated with any religion and never will be, but I now believe in a universal energy flow that I thought was BS while trans.
I identified as nonbinary until I desisted a month ago and I’m currently in a relationship with a trans woman - in other words a male. I agree with the commenter who advised patience. Just like you I want my partner to reclaim his manhood so we can have a normal family and children.
The big conversation where I came out as detrans was a turning point for us. I changed my behavior after that night. My shift back to a more feminine energy brought out my partner’s masculine energy. Where before detransitioning I would use nicknames for him like kitten/princess/good girl. I also emphasized my own power and control by having him call me daddy. But when I spoke freely about returning to femininity the power play dynamics went away. Now I call him baby, my love, and neutral things like that, and he started calling me feminine names like sweetie.
I am actively working to subtly nurture my partner’s manhood, in the bedroom, in career things, wherever I can. In every little thing I do I am trying to build up his faith in himself again, to heal the wounds from (you guessed it) his abusive father, the trauma that made him doubt he could be a man and led him down this painful path. And in some ways I do that by nurturing my femininity too, allowing myself to be taken care of by him, and showing him he can be safely appreciated for his masculinity by a loving woman. This is all tentative and subtle, not a guns blazing confrontation. But it’s working and I’m happy with it - in the past month his depression has significantly improved even with him still being on estrogen, and he has been steadily improving his work-related skills when previously he was paralyzed on that front.
So OP, my advice is to be patient with him and do as much as you can within what he can handle to nurture his masculinity. Maybe call him strong when he achieves something difficult. Maybe ask him if he’ll be big spoon because it helps you feel safe. Trust your gut and I’m hopeful you can figure it out.