I'm so sorry you went through that. I assumed you were the same age, but it sounds like he was grooming you. I understand how painful it can be when an older person you trust introduces you to bizarre things while you're still developing. That situation was not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

This is a very insightful post, thank you for sharing your story. I wish I had good answers, but I'm still wrestling with many of the same questions myself.

Would my body even be capable of producing its own T-supply again.

Regarding T production, it started back up for me after ~4 months, with the effects kicking in at 6 months. I had pretty significant testicular atrophy, but they produce normal male levels of T now.

I quite like Blanchard; I find his work insightful, even if he can sometimes be a little crass on Twitter. What I like about this interview in particular is that he clears up the myth that trans people with AGP unilaterally shouldn't transition. It's more complicated than that, clinicians have to weight a number of factors.

It is probably not possible right now, because of the current politicization of the term

This is a really important point that I hope lurkers here heed. Every time we use "AGP" as an insult, or resort to calling it "just a fetish" , we make it harder for people to be honest about their experiences, and push them further away from finding a path that will leave them at a peace.

Thank you so much for sharing this, there's a lot that resonates with me, and probably resonates with others as well, (being bullied as a child for being feminine, associating masculinity with harm, blending in socially, identifying as "not male" instead of "woman", etc). I don't have any advice for you yet, as I'm still figuring this out myself, but I hope it helps to know you have solidarity from me <3.

In my opinion, blending is a more useful concept than passing. There's a point where people will know or suspect that you're trans, but for most social purposes, you blend "close enough" at a glance that being in public isn't a spectacle. People looking at me and thinking "Oh, it's a short effeminate guy with long hair and makeup" isn't the worst thing in the world, but I do admit, it often sucks losing certain privileges and falling down the societal hierarchy.

So even if passing 100% at all times in all situations isn't possible, is there potential for a happy medium where you can express yourself without feeling constrained by comparing yourself to women?

5 years on HRT, 1 year off here.

It took ceasing for about 6 months before I started noticing the effects of T building up again (oilier skin, body hair, smell). It started up on its own. I'd advise letting it try to build up on its own because artificially introducing it might stunt your body's ability to produce it naturally.

My breast buds appear to have receded by in large.

Regarding fertility, oddly enough after 6-8 months off, I was able to make a few sperm (in the double-digit ranges). It's not enough for normal insemination, but there exist procedures that can impregnate with one sperm (ICSI), and if you seek an employer that covers reproductive care like Starbucks, you can still get close to a normal life. I get erections daily, as frustrating as that is, but ejaculation is mostly normal (most of what you see in ejaculate isn't sperm, but semen)

I would be too, and thank you for not assuming or accusing. I'll be honest, I think the fraction of detrans males who have truly solved whatever combination of factors drove them to transtion in the first place are extremely small, even if they intersect with AGP. I think therapy teaches you helpful coping strategies, and gets you on track for things like eating right, finding hobbies, and exercising, but based on what I've been reading here, it never really goes away, it just takes up less space in your head.

I never said it was untrue, just that it's passive aggressive and childish to disguise digs as sympathy. Telling a mentally ill person who's trying to help others from falling down the same path "Sorry your brain is so broken you can't determine reality" is just socially-permissible sadism, even if it's true.

Don't worry, it's extremely unlikely that you're sterile in such a short period :). Evidence indicates that it's estrogen that damages the spermatogenesis process, as opposed to testosterone blockers, and even then it's in the years time frame for permanent damage (estrogen in combination with testosterone blockers, as opposed to T blockers alone). The testicles can bounce back after short periods of trauma, I would eat my hat if you were anything other than fine in 4-6 months.

I'm not encouraging you to do anything one way or another, but if you have doubts later on, please please please bank your sperm first. You'll save yourself tens of thousands in the long run.

I’m only 19 and a half but I really do not want my bones to grow any bigger. I like my small rib cage and my petite, soft hands. I’m happy to develop a bit more muscle but I don’t want to become big, broad and manly. Is it likely that this will happen, or has my time on HRT restricted these changes?

Sadly, I don't know of a way to give you an absolute answer to this, but it's unlikely that a few months on E drastically altered the course of your development.

GC people and various flavors of "allies" feel entitled to just drop in out of nowhere post aggressively worded, highly political content.

I've noticed this too. A contingent of GC people get really aggressive and mean-spirited about their ideology, especially towards detrans males/MtFs. It feels unnecessary because there are dozens of other subreddits for that purpose, why bring that energy into what's meant to be a healing space?