My whole journey with gender was confusing and, looking back, I think I was trying to solve other problems by changing my body. I was born female, but from a young age, I felt deeply uncomfortable with puberty. I hated developing breasts and the changes that made me look more like a woman. I didn't feel like I fit in, and I think a lot of that was tied to low self-esteem and depression. I also have OCD, and the obsession with my body and whether it was "right" became a huge focus for me.

I started identifying as non-binary first, and then later as a trans man. A lot of this was influenced by what I saw online and by friends in my social circle who were also transitioning. It felt like the answer. I thought if I could just change my outside, the inside would feel better. I started taking testosterone and eventually got top surgery. I was convinced it was what I needed to be happy.

But even after surgery and being on hormones, something still felt off. The initial rush of "this is right" faded, and the old feelings of anxiety and depression came back. My therapist, before I started any medical steps, had advised me to take things slow and be comfortable with uncertainty. She told me to be curious about why I felt the way I did, instead of just spiraling into panic. I didn't listen to her then, but her advice has come to mean everything to me now. I wish I had been more open to exploring the roots of my discomfort instead of rushing to medically transition.

A big part of my confusion was about my sexuality. I’m attracted to men, but in a very specific way. My boyfriend once called me a "gay-leaning bisexual man in a woman’s body," and in a strange way, he wasn't wrong. The idea of men having sex with each other turns me on. If I had been born male, or if I had fully transitioned, I believe my sexuality would have been the same: sometimes attracted to women, but with a strong attraction to men. I think I had some internalized homophobia; being a lesbian felt wrong or difficult for me to accept, and becoming a "straight man" felt like an escape from that. I see now how twisted that logic is, especially when I hear rhetoric about people needing to "get over" an aversion to certain body parts to be politically correct. That kind of thinking is maddening and harmful.

I don't regret my transition in the sense that it brought me to where I am now, which is a place of much greater self-understanding. But I do have regrets about the permanent changes to my body, and I regret not listening to the wiser, more cautious advice I was given. My journey showed me that my issues weren't really about gender; they were about trauma, OCD, and a deep-seated unhappiness that transitioning could never fix. I've benefited from stepping back from the trans identity and exploring these deeper issues in therapy. I'm learning to accept my female body, not as a failure, but as a part of me that I can make peace with.

Here is a timeline of my journey based on what I remember: