This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this user account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The comments display a highly personal, nuanced, and emotionally complex narrative that is consistent with genuine detransitioners/desisters. The user discusses specific personal trauma, a detailed medical history (PCOS, ovary surgery, top surgery), cultural references, and a critical but insider perspective on both trans and lesbian communities. The writing is introspective, contains contradictions typical of human reflection, and shows a clear, evolving personal ideology over time. The passion and criticism present are consistent with someone who has experienced significant personal harm.
About me
I started transitioning in my late teens because, as a masculine female, I felt deeply uncomfortable and saw no positive future for myself. I thought becoming a man was the only way to escape my body issues and the pain from my past. While top surgery resolved my specific distress about my breasts, the hormones and living as a man never fixed my underlying depression and need for validation. I've stopped testosterone now and am trying to find peace with my body, though I face the difficult reality of likely being infertile. I don't regret the surgery, but I deeply regret that I ever felt changing my body was my only option for happiness.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started from a place of deep unhappiness and a search for safety. I was born female, and from a young age, I never felt like I fit in with what was expected of a girl. I was gay and very masculine, and this caused me a lot of discomfort, especially during puberty. I really hated my developing breasts; they felt completely wrong on my body and didn't match how I saw myself.
A lot of this came from a place of low self-esteem and depression, which I now understand was rooted in an abusive childhood. I was always looking for external validation because I never got it from my family. I think I also had some internalised homophobia; I didn't see a positive future for myself as a masculine lesbian. The lesbian community I was exposed to as a teenager was really toxic. The butch women I met were often older, predatory, and had a lot of problems with alcohol. I didn't want to be like them, and I couldn't identify with the more feminine or middle-class gay women I saw. I felt completely alone.
I was heavily influenced by what I saw online. When I discovered trans men, it was like a lightbulb moment. I thought, "That's what I want to be." It seemed like a way to escape the discomfort I felt with my body and the social problems I faced. I started to transition in my late teens, and for a while, it felt like a security blanket. Living as a man made me feel safer in the world and more "normal." It was a practical solution at a time when I couldn't access proper therapy.
I took testosterone for many years and I got top surgery. The surgery resolved my intense hatred of my breasts, and that is one thing I don't regret. However, the hormones and the social transition didn't fix the underlying issues. I still had depression and anxiety. I was still looking for love and validation in relationships, which led to more pain. I was cheated on and left by partners who went with men, which made me feel fundamentally unlovable as a masculine person.
My reasons for transitioning were never about feeling like I was "a man trapped in a woman's body." I never believed I was a real man. I did it because I thought it was the only way to survive and find a place where I belonged. Because of this, I never fully fit into the trans community either. My views were different, and I became critical of the "wrong body" narrative. I found a lot of the online community to be dogmatic and divisive.
Now, I am detransitioning. I’ve stopped testosterone. I’m trying to come to terms with my body as it is now and find peace with myself. I had surgery on my ovaries as a teenager for PCOS, and combined with the hormones, I am likely now infertile, which is a difficult loss to accept. I’m focusing on developing myself independently, through things like meditation and my art, instead of looking for a partner to complete me.
I don't regret my transition entirely. It was a process I needed to go through to get to where I am now, and the top surgery did relieve a specific distress. But I do regret that I felt it was my only option. I wish that when I was younger, there had been more positive, masculine female role models. I wish someone had told me that I was beautiful the way I was and that I just needed to work on my internal problems instead of changing my body. My thoughts on gender now are that it's a very personal experience, but we need to be much more careful and honest about the complex reasons why people transition, especially when it involves trauma, internalised homophobia, and a lack of self-worth.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 10 | First exposed to butch lesbian culture through films and books. |
| 14 | Read "Stone Butch Blues," deeply identifying with the themes but also feeling repelled by the toxic local lesbian community. |
| Late Teens (approx. 17-19) | Started socially transitioning to male and began taking testosterone. |
| Early 20s | Underwent top surgery (double mastectomy). |
| 30s (Now) | Stopped testosterone and began the process of detransitioning. |
Top Comments by /u/Dismal-Subject:
Its interesting that because I really did know about butch and gender non conforming lesbians, i saw watermelon woman when I was like 10, i read stone butch blues at 14. I read loads of sarah waters books, Jeanette winterson, i adored skin from skunk anansie, listened to le tigre, L7 and bikini kill.. and when i was a teenager there wasn’t much internet stuff (pre youtube).
I still chose to transition, still hated myself, hated my body, i wasn’t attracted to lesbians and wanted to be a boy.
Most butch lesbians I met on the gay scene were toxic, older , alcoholics and quite predatory... it wasn’t exactly a nice environment. I didn’t want to identify with them.
Btw I’m from the UK and live in the post industrial north of england so it’s probably different based on location.
Now i think there is probably much more positive lgbt community in some ways.. like youth work and community groups. Its more wholesome in some ways, but at the same time I worry about its unquestioning attitude toward gender ID and gender dysphoria.
I think its sad to lose something. With me I remember feeling regret but I continued to ID as male for a long time (untill now). So it’s different. I know that as I get older I don’t care as much about my body in general , i accept things more.
I think its ok to let yourself grieve the loss too. Its good to acknowledge your pain
But also keep moving on , think about what you wanna do with your life, aspirations and try to be kind to yourself. Meditation is good.
I think having mature successful female role models would have helped in real life.. or even just in the community..esp that were gender non conforming. The only lesbians on TV were Ellen and sue perkins and they were too commercial and upper class.
Everyone gay i met that i identified with or was interesting intellectually ended up transitioning or were too different for me to identify with (feminine, middle-class, no mental issues) .. I couldn’t identify with butch lesbians because they were horrible in the area i grew up.. worse than mysogynistic men.
I was still influenced by media as well, and when i saw trans men.. i was just like OMG thats what i want to be.
I wish that there were just some voices out there that were saying.. your beautiful the way you are you just need to work on some shit.
Big Hugs to you too! 9 years is a really long time so It feels good to hear from you esp because your masc too. I was just sort of filtering out people who have been on T just for short time because its just gonna be so different.
Yeah I think it’ll be an interesting journey. Personally I think I’ve come to terms with my decisions to transition, as I think it did offer me a sort of security in the world and things like therapy werent exactly accessible so I think living in Maleness was kind if a security blanket , but it definitely didn’t fix anything either. But I do love myself and who I am and thats what matters i guess. It’s important that we still see the beauty and to love our altered selves I think , even if we decide to reverse some of that or all of that.
How does estrogen feel so far? What have you noticed change?
Thanks for your reply, its good to hear Im not alone. I agree.
Actually I’m quite estranged from trans and queer community for a few years just for having slightly different views on transgender issues and confronting some of the call-out culture that was happening.
I do still have some good friends and i know they would be totally supportive with what ever i did, and also may have one or two trans friends that i still disagree on somethings with and maybe won’t get it entirely but would still be supportive.
i was / am pretty isolated even as a ‘trans man’ and I’m sure thats still how it will be .. i never got on well with trans community because my reasons for transitioning were always more practical , not wanting to not be attacked and just wanting to be normal, it wasn’t the ‘wrong body’ rhetoric, i never believed i was a ‘real man’. And I didn’t want to be one. I was maybe always a bit critical but did it anyway.
the queer/afab lgbt community, i feel like there was and is still a sort of really narrow ‘ideal’ of androgyny / trans masculinity .. like cute and eroticised boyness... i think if people knew what is was like further down the path they might think twice about transitioning.
Its just a very toxic environment really for a lot of people.
My community is more like artists and people on the fringes anyway. Its Good to have a hobbies that bring you together with people outside of your sexual identity or any identity i think where possible.
its hard as the desire for commonality with people based on shared oppression is still there .. but its always so dogmatic and divisive these days.
Nothing about oestrogen stays long. Imo its not worth messing with.
You could develop your glute muscles, if you have big strong thighs and glutes it can give quite a curved shape. Plus exercise generally makes many people feel better anyway.. endorphines.
There are other ways to be more feminine, physical expression, dancing and singing, could make you more able to express that side maybe. Plus its fun.
Thats good you still have that. Yeah i guess it depends how much hormones I naturally can produce, I haven’t had any bottom surgery. Just top surgery. But i did have PCOS and had surgery on my ovaries as a teenager, so I’m not sure how well they work. I guess we’ll see. Let me know how it goes. Have you had any effects?
Not me sorry but interesting, yea i still love trans people, but actually don’t know many older trans men.. and i still feel I am trans, in a way.. I don’t really know what trans or not trans means .. to me its seems like an experience and a process that i have had.. I just have a different ideology about that now.. i am critical of transitioning but I don’t deny people their bodily autonomy either.
I was cheated on and left by partners (who went with men). I even wanted to have a family one LTR / spouse who left me because she later decided didn’t want a family but within months got married and pregnant to a man. It definitely made me feel unlovable as a masculine woman.
But I probably already felt unlovable and that’s why I went for these women. I was always looking for external validation from an abusive childhood And also because i was gay and gender non conforming . I think i fixated on romantic relationships to give that to me, i gave everything of myself.
I think I should have focussed on developing myself instead independently, probably had therapy. Well thats what I’m trying to do now but its hard, I still desperately want love.