I’m not who you are asking because I’m AFAB, but I will say that I did notice I attracted heavily flawed people. Nobody I ever dated was healthy for me, I’ve attracted a Lot of narcissist pathological liars. I believe it is because those types of people are known to seek out the vulnerable to prey upon.

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I have a lot in common with your story. I experienced some abuse when I was in early teen years and it upsets me a lot that nobody ever asked, why an intelligent honor roll student who was previously fine, was all of a sudden depressed and suicidal and failing out of school. I feel I was failed from the beginning in that respect. When I questioned my gender identity the drs jumped onboard quickly and used T as a suicide deterrent. But the deep seated issues remained and that’s not something I could run from, regardless of gender identity it effected me and my decision making my whole life. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with PTSD and really started working on myself did I open my eyes. For me personally, if I had to choose a term to describe myself it would be agender because I just don’t care anymore. I will never pass as a cis woman again, and really, would I find peace even if I did? Or would life still be difficult, I would still be living with trauma regardless of how anyone else perceives me. The most important thing I have realized is that I need to stop controlling how people perceive me, and just exist. Idk if this is helpful at all. But I think realistically, for myself at least, I can’t think of it as a 180 and now I’m a cis woman again, because I obviously have some instability in my perception of myself, and to radically accept that is the most peaceful road to take. For myself

Just wanted to show solidarity, I could have wrote this myself. I get called ma’am and sir, it’s like 50/50 even when I’m wearing the same clothes and in the same day. My neighbors call me she/her instinctively just form being around me, I get ma’am with a mask mostly, Idk it’s confusing. For me, I had to stop performing femininity. Even though I am a woman it just became way too awkward in public, having people very obviously stare at my crotch looking for a bulge. I’ve settled into an androgynous place and even though people still get confused by me, I’m not mistaken as a trans woman anymore. Now it’s more like “that’s a ma...n? Hmmm” and I’m more okay with that. I know this is not helpful, but it’s how I’ve found the most comfort in the world. Expressing too Much femininity in public makes me feel unsafe (maybe why I transitioned to begin with)

I’ve had a doctor tell me polycythemia from T is no big deal and to just donate blood and that “everyone on T has polycythemia” idk of there’s any truth to it not being bad but it is not something I’m willing to risk. A big part of why I stopped T had to do with realizing I will always be a medical patient. I don’t want medical issues.

Idk how much help I am because my voice was always “gay sounding” on T but definitely gay man as opposed to female voice. I think my voice has reverted back... a bit? Maybe halfway? I don’t know. I just know that when I am on a phone call, or wearing a mask in public, I am called ma’am. I still have facial hair so if the mask is off then I am read as male but the voice itself registers as female to people now

What if you talked with your current therapist and framed it like, “this is all part of a bigger picture, which is me” because I strongly believe that gender does not and should not need to be separated form the rest of who you are and why you struggle. I think part of the issue with gender therapy is the isolation of gender from everything else. And your current therapist sounds like a great fit but maybe a bit intimidated like she is supposed to just say yes yes yes, and go along with it. So if it were me I would try to have a discussion about that... like. That maybe you don’t need separate gender therapy, but a whole integrative approach. Because to truly figure out your gender and all of that, you have to figure out a whole bunch of other things along the way. Imagine yourself as a big knot of jumbled up cords and wires, and you don’t know where each one goes or how to untangle it all. It wouldn’t make sense to single out one specific cord when the whole bunch needs to be sorted out in an effective, helpful way.

I used to try to explain, until I realized that most people do not care, are still just as bigoted, and also most importantly I realized that it causes me more stress to try to educate people all the time. I don’t want to discuss my gender anymore, i’m so tired of being expected to educate people. And it tends to be forced upon trans people like, the second I came out as trans people wanted me to speak at high schools and all this other shit, and I think it becomes ingrained into us that we are supposed to be educators and answer everyone’s questions al the time, to better the world somehow. Reality is that it takes a whole lot less effort and stress to just ‘be’ . Just because I seem weird to some people doesn’t mean I have to answer a single question or defend why I am how I am.

If someone friendly is asking and I actually feel like explaining, I say something like “it’s been a journey to fully get to know myself” or something.

T also made me unable to cry. Even if I felt like I really needed to, the tears Wouldn’t come out. It was pretty shitty. But good news, my ability to cry has definitely made a full recovery off of T. I can’t tell you how long it took because I’ve been off T for years now. But I cry plenty these days, I just cried listening to Britney Spears music earlier (because of her situation) I can cry from sad commercials or from happy feelings also.

This is the reason I initially stopped T as well. I was called and told I had Polycythemia and my blood was too thick and that I needed to take aspirin, quit smoking cigarettes and go donate blood. It freaked me right the hell out, and I have had doctors assume/offer T to me since then, I had a trans friendly doctor tell me that polcythemia is “normal and not a big deal, just donate blood” and I just can’t go along with that. I am not willing to even entertain that idea for my own personal health. I have health anxiety and don’t need to add problems to my life wit stuff like that.