This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The user's detailed, introspective, and emotionally consistent narrative about their desistance—including their evolving views, personal struggles, and exposure to gender-critical thought—is characteristic of a genuine lived experience. The language is natural, and the passion aligns with the expected sentiment from someone in the detrans/desister community.
About me
I started identifying as a trans woman because I was deeply unhappy and had a distorted, sexualized view of women that I confused with wanting to be one. My journey involved a lot of uncomfortable self-reflection, where I realized my feelings stemmed from low self-esteem and a warped perspective fed by the male gaze. A radical feminist class was a huge turning point, helping me understand society's pressures on women and allowing me to separate personality from biological sex. I now see that being a man is simply a biological fact and doesn't mean I have to fit any specific masculine stereotype. I am finally at peace as a male and feel more free and authentic than I ever did while pursuing transition.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started from a place of deep unhappiness with myself. I never felt like I measured up as a man. I looked at women and saw them as these beautiful, perfect beings, and I looked at myself and just saw… bland. I thought if I couldn't be a handsome man, maybe I could try to be a woman. A lot of it was about wanting to be beautiful and desirable, and I see now that a big part of that was a sexual fantasy, what some people call autogynephilia. I had a really oversexualized view of women; I saw them more as sexy caricatures rather than just normal people.
I started identifying as a trans woman around 2017, I think. I was in my early 20s. But I was always conflicted about medical transition. The idea of taking hormones for the rest of my life felt wrong to me, like I was admitting I needed something external to be happy. I didn't want my happiness to be dependent on a prescription. I also never had any bottom dysphoria; I was always fine with having a penis. My issues were with the rest of my body shape and the social expectations placed on men.
After a short time, I got scared that I’d never pass as a woman, so I tried to just push the feelings away and act more manly. That didn't last long. The feelings came rushing back. So then I decided to identify as non-binary. I liked the freedom of that idea. It felt like I didn't have to pick a side and could just be myself. But even then, I saw a lot of other non-binary people pursuing hormones for very specific aesthetic changes, and it felt vain to me, like they were insulting their natural bodies.
The real turning point for me was in 2018. I had a kind of spiritual awakening that made me want to really improve my mental state. I also took a college English class taught by a radical feminist woman. She introduced me to concepts like the male gaze and talked about the history of how women have been portrayed in society. It was a huge eye-opener. It made me realize how much society grooms women to base their value on their appearance, to be attractive to men. I started reading gender-critical forums, and it finally clicked for me.
I had to do a lot of deep, uncomfortable introspection. I asked myself why I felt the way I did. The answers weren't pretty. A lot of it came down to low self-esteem, a distorted view of women, and internalized ideas about what a man is supposed to be. I realized that the words "man" and "woman" don't have to be about personality or how you look. They can just be simple biological terms. A man is an adult human male. A woman is an adult human female. That's it. Everything else—masculinity, femininity, how you act, what you like—is just personality. It’s separate.
Once I redefined those words for myself, everything changed. I realized I could be a man without having to conform to any masculine stereotypes. I could be a gentle, sensitive man who doesn't like typical "guy" stuff, and that's okay. My body is just my body; it's male, and that's a neutral fact, not a life sentence. Letting go of the need to transition was incredibly freeing. I feel like my true self can finally shine without me having to dissociate from my body or change my entire understanding of reality.
I don't regret exploring transition because it led me to where I am now, but I am so grateful I never took hormones or had any surgery. I benefited immensely from therapy and perspectives that weren't just about affirming my feelings but challenged me to think critically. My advice to anyone questioning is to really dig into the why. Understand the difference between sex and gender, explore feminist history, and be brutally honest with yourself. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.
Date (Approximate) | My Age | Event |
---|---|---|
Early 2017 | 22 | Started identifying as a trans woman. |
Mid 2017 | 22 | Briefly desisted out of fear of not passing, tried to act more masculine. |
Late 2017 | 23 | Identification shifted to non-binary. |
2018 | 23 | Spiritual awakening. Took a radical feminist college class that introduced critical concepts. Began reading gender-critical material and started the process of re-evaluating my beliefs. |
Early 2019 | 24 | Fully desisted. Redefined "man" for myself as a biological term and made peace with being a male. |
Top Comments by /u/DualistilyWhole:
That's what happened to quite a few of us, yes. Idk, my reasons for desisting may differ from someone else's. It takes a lot of introspection to know what you truly want regarding a transition, probably more than you're used to if you're new to this. Many of us have had therapists or loved ones who don't challenge us enough about transitioning, under the guise of unconditional acceptance and not wanting to look bigoted. It propelled some to make physical changes they now regret.
If you ask me, your greatest ally in navigating your questioning is critical, college level thinking. Specifically in how you feel regarding gender norms. Also really helps to understand the difference between sex (biological) and gender (non physical) Therapists like the one in the meme, from what I gather, are unfortunately a rarity. Feel free to ask us some questions on here, too. We'd be happy to help out.
There are only two criteria to fulfill in order to be a man.
- Be an adult
- Be born with a male reproductive system
That's it. That's all being a man has to be. A man isn't a masculine person who conforms to patriarchal social expectations. Sex is dimorphic, but the mind and spirit are virtually limitless.
People will think what they damn well please. If they clock you as a woman, that does not mean you are one. You are not necessarily what others perceive you as.
It boggles me how so many people are defending the idea that they were "just bad friends." Sure, I never came close to making rape jokes or the like, but I still used to think of women in a very unhealthy and inequal way to men. Like they were sexy caricatures of the "normal" humans that were men. I'm sure most men these days think like that, whether they make those views known to the outside world or not.
Of course. I'm not really sure why you got downvoted into oblivion. I was in a very similar boat to you, actually. I used to want to transition to being a woman under pretty much the same circumstances.
I know there's a lot of negativity towards radfem women in the trans community (the TERFs, if you will) but it really is important to understand their view and their lived experiences as women before you decide to label yourself as one. Explore feminism and its history, too. I can assure you, 99.9% of those "TERFs" don't mind if you don't wanna conform to the typical male gender roles. That isn't why they're critical of transition.
Anecdotally speaking as a male desister who had many autogynephilic tendencies, I believe I experienced autogynephilia due to an oversexualized perception of women. Now that I'm viewing women in less of a sexual light and have become more comfortable in my male body, the thought of having a female body is nowhere near as alluring to me, nor is there really any sexual interest surrounding the notion anymore. I don't believe autogynephilia is a static aspect of sexuality. Consider that our patriarchal society, at its core, is constructed to cater to the men, or at least the men who follow the social blueprint of masculinity. Women have been portrayed in society throughout hundreds of years as having a primary purpose of motherhood, in other words, having sex with the men to procreate. Even in the modern day, the odor of these long standing socializations still stink up the place, even if they are only subconsciously considered.
Consider the amount of emphasis placed on a woman's appearance in society, especially how it's compared to men and their appearance. Does it not seem odd that many men throughout history are known for their achievements but rarely their sexual appeal while women have been historically praised for looking attractive yet shunned for doing "manly" things that don't fall under the motherhood umbrella in some way? Looking to the modern day, is it not true that women are taught from a young age to value their physical appearance and body in a way that men aren't? Look to the toys for little girls. Many of them are dolls that are made to look pretty, that instill unto them an ideal of being beautiful. Some even come with things like brushes and makeup, so the little girls can have fun making them look socially acceptable. Lots of toys involving care as well, like pets and babies. Some cooking toys even, like the Easy Bake Oven. Notice how these toys cater to that ideal of achieving and practicing motherhood in some way? How about the toys for boys? You have your action figures, cars, dinosaurs, bugs, construction toys like Legos. It's totally different, right? Instead of making your toy look pretty, you're making your toy do some cool stuff.
(You can start here for a TL;DR) Anyways, my long winded point here is that women are groomed by society to try to appear attractive to men. There's this huge background emphasis on a lot of women's value being placed on their physical appearance and their obedience to men. That, I believe, is the primary contributor to autogynephilia appearing in a certain percentage of men, especially considering that men aren't socialized in the same way to have value placed on their appearance. Instead, most of men's value is placed on what they can do. I don't say all of this to invalidate your experiences with autogynephilia, but I want to contribute my own to help your understanding.
Yeah, this ain't it chief. More mental gymnastics don't fix preexisting mental gymnastics. If you want to get over this, you gotta get really introspective. You gotta ask yourself the why's of the situation. You may not like the answers you come to, and that's ok. I came to a lot of nasty conclusions myself.
Well, while I also dislike many of the social expectations given to men, I would be lying if I said there wasn't a sexual aspect to my transition desires. I wanted to look beautiful, and thought I'd make for an ugly man so why not try transitioning? I would say it was mainly more to help my self image and help me love myself more than to become more "acceptable", in my eyes, to a potential life partner. In the media, women are almost always depicted as being beautiful or perfect looking even, while men are kinda just bland in their appearance. I didn't wanna look bland, so that fueled my transition further.
I didn't really wanna take hrt because of how dependent my life would become on it. It would be like taking a medication for the rest of my life. I don't wanna feel like I need something external to supplement my life, you feel me? People always bring up how it's a treatment, akin to treating a wound on the body. But is the body really what needs to be healed by hrt? What wound is hrt trying to heal exactly?
I identified as non binary for a bit after mtf trans because I wanted freedom. I realized that the grass may be greener on the other side, but should I even pick a "side"? Why not have the best of both worlds, right? I knew I wasn't strictly feminine or masculine in nature, so for a time it fit. I felt a lot more comfortable with my appearance and personality than I had for awhile.
It was shortly after that in which I began looking into gender critical thought more, and I liked what I read. It wasn't my first exposure to that stuff, but I found it a lot more palatable this time. I have never really had genital dysphoria before. I was always fine with my penis, just not how my body was shaped due to my sex. I found this one article, I wish I could find it, but it basically said that words like "man" and "woman" only need to denote genitalia, not the genders and expectations associated with those words. So in other words, genitals determine whether you are male or female, but not whether you are masculine or feminine. So from then on, I have called myself a man, but I changed my internal meaning of the word to only mean "person with a penis", no more no less.
Tell me, have you ever regularly shaved your legs or applied makeup before? Do you know how much attention to detail it takes to look like women on magazine covers and on tv, even if you were born a woman? How much work it is to keep up such an appearance? Too many women struggle with their appearance because of social expectations to look a certain way. I know men aren't socially expected to look feminine, but is it so wrong if men do? Would you need to be a woman to look feminine?
I would suggest reading r/GenderCritical. Do keep in mind that it is heavily enforced as a women-only space, so guys posting or commenting is a huge no-no save for specific situations where a man's opinion is warranted. Good place to read about some of the shit women have to put up with solely due to being women. You will see them vent about the shit that men do, but don't let it get to you. You know who you are, and if you're contributing to the problem then you can change.There is a r/GenderCriticalGuys that's more for men, but it really isn't the best. There are a lot of guys there that are only there to hate on trans people, not the reasons that would compel them to transition.
About a couple months before desisting, I had a college english class instructed by a radfem woman. She exposed me to a lot of critical thinking and sex issues that I didn't know about before. Stuff like male gaze and the happy housewife heroine, to name a couple. I wish I could provide more, but it's been awhile since then and I don't remember many other specific things. She did have us watch a documentary on toxic masculinity called The Mask You Live In. I suggest you watch it, even if it may be uncomfortable.
What is a man to you? A human with a penis, or a masculine behaving and looking person? Do you think men need to do or look anything to be men aside from having been born with a penis?
You sound like someone who wants love. Love is another word that society likes to conflate into some super specific thing, just like the words "man" and "woman." Love is something that comes from within. You can love yourself. There may be reasons you don't find yourself worthy of love, but these reasons make love more specific and complicated than it needs to be. Free your mind and heart from such expectations and give yourself permission to feel your love.
You don't have to do anything to be a man. You don't have to do anything to feel your love
I only desisted so I'm technically not detrans, but I think this question still applies to me and I apologize if this is not the case.
Sometime back in 2018, I experienced a spiritual awakening. It lead to a massive advancement in my development as a human being and it's also when I started to care more about improving my mental state. Shortly after this occurred is when I desisted the first time, but looking back I did so for more or less what I consider the wrong reasons. I thought I could never hope to pass, so I drowned the notion out and started accepting my form more. I also started acting a little more manly, thinking I was being more of my natural self. A few months pass and my weak protections from my dysphoria came crumbling down. My new view of life from the awakening and re-adopted trans ideology melded a little weirdly. Though I was a little at odds with the topic of hormones and surgery since I didn't like needing something external to be happy, I really enjoyed the idea of not needing to change my appearance at all to be a "valid transgirl", since I felt it embraced body positivity.
A few more months pass and I decide to identify as non binary, out of fear that I may be limiting myself too much with the trans label (which I was). I enjoyed that label for a time, but I saw so many enbies turning to hormones for very specific changes to suit their mood. I felt the practice greatly insulted their natural selves, since they thought they could fuck around with their hormones all they wanted to attain an ideal appearance without their bodies suffering. It was ironic. I turned to the label to escape the expectation that I needed hormones to be happy, but my then brethren still thought they needed hormones and could be considered even more vain than your standard trans folk.
It was around then I started exploring more gender critical circles of reddit. It started with me expressing my appreciation to this very sub (under u/gameboy_connoisseur) that I did not take hormones. I had talked to people on here previously for transition advice and got some thought-provoking replies regarding definitions of man and woman. Upon receiving more of the same the second time around, I decided to take a good hard look at what I thought men and women were. After exploring gender critical thought some more, I was able to stop using those words as personality descriptors and only biological descriptors, like the equivalent of male and female. Thus I was finally comfortable with being a man.
I definitely feel like now, I can let my true self shine without needing to either dissociate from my body or change how I view biology to something less healthy.
Then change your perception of yourself. This comes from within, not from other people telling you you're a man. You don't need to change anything about your body to do that. You are a man, no matter how you look or act.
Besides, don't you think it's bullshit how men are socially expected to come in certain packages? Can't men look or act in more diverse ways?