“I can't get X so Y is the second best after X ''

Since when is settling ever a good thing? Can you think of a single scenario where settling for something you don’t really want is ideal? It’s not, that’s why it’s called settling.

Think about it: you want cookies but you can’t have them so you settle for a bran muffin... but you still want cookies, and having those cookies is now gnawing on your mind and the bran muffin just wasn’t enough to satisfy. So then you give in and have cookies! The difference in this situation between you having a neovagina: you can never have a fully functioning vagina that you want. I’m sorry, but that’s the reality of it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you living with the body you have. It’s not dysfunctional, it does what it’s meant to and works as intended. You can still be YOU regardless of your body.

" I believe this proofs that gender dysphoria is a thing. Not something someone choose or whatever. He experienced what trans people experience before they transition. It is a very sad story... It's sick.. "

Nope, this proves absolutely nothing other than it was a completely sick and twisted situation and that you're trying to twist it into something else to fit your narrative. If there is anything to take from this, it's that mutilating a child to be the wrong gender is a terrible thing to do.

For me to jump from believing I was right about all the lies I told myself, to then telling myself more lies about the existence of a god that forgives all my wrong-doings isn't exactly a step in the right direction, if you ask me. I would rather face my shit myself.

As someone who has a horribly botched mastectomy, I long to be perfectly flat like you describe but even that's not enough to push me over the edge to get yet another surgery to fix it. The fear is too strong. Even though It's lumpy and weird and I have to wear a padded sports bra otherwise I run the risk of looking like someone took chunks out of my chest, I still can't do it. I've looked up a lot of different options, and also don't have much fat to transfer. Implants are certainly out of the question.

I know this isn't the answer you're really looking for, but until you figure out what surgery you want to do (if any), I suggest the padded sports bra option. Some of them don't have any sculpting to the foam, but if you find the good ones they'll have a natural breast shape to give you a flat but still feminine chest. It's helped a lot for me so far (so long as I'm not naked, I guess). I wish I had the answers to a lot of your questions but I have the same questions.

I understand your fear of taking her to a therapist only for the therapist to side with the trans community and alienate her further from you. That's a very real risk at this current point, and you need to be very careful in picking a therapist if you ever do go that route. You'll want to know the therapists stance on the subject beforehand, and do a thorough background check on them. It's thankfully coming to light how much therapists may not know the right path to actually help - and that they can actually do harm by being in a position of power. Your worries are completely justified and it's understandable to have them. For this to suddenly come out of nowhere is a red flag that she's being influenced by outside ideas that she needs to fit a certain box, regardless of how strong of a role model you have been in her life. Considering her age, she's likely at that point where she will start seeing just how far removed she can get from your reach and be her own person. She's much too young for such a thing but it happens with basically everyone at that age. It'll be a tough, turbulent road but it sounds like you have a VERY good head on your shoulders. Don't give into the trans ideology, nothing about it is ideal. Stay strong and continue to show her how much you love her and only want the best for her. And talk with her, a lot.

God damn. That’s so heart breaking. I saw you’re also from Canada and I got pushed through the system easily too because it’s “all free”. There’s really no one/nothing stopping you or making you think if it’s really the right choice. I’m so sorry you got that far down the rabbit hole to feel this way afterwards. If it’s any comfort, my body isn’t ideal either but I still managed to find someone who doesn’t care and still loves me regardless. Nothing in life is ever really ideal, and it’s still possible to find that yin to your unique brand of yang. I dunno if me saying any of this is of any help but I hope the best for you.

When I first started de-transitioning, I did feel pressure to be more feminine than I truly was to over-compensate for how manly I had become on testosterone. I always had issues with the idea of being a woman ever since I was old enough to understand that was what I was becoming. I resisted it so heavily because I felt the “stereotypical role” didn’t fit me. I didn’t want to have children, I wasn’t compassionate towards people, I never wore dresses, and most importantly: I didn’t want to become anything like my mother. I was deluded at a squishy age into thinking this meant I was trans - but I was wrong. De-transitioning for me meant going back and doing digging as to why I went down the wrong path in the first place and being as brutally honest with myself as possible (I was a compulsive liar as a child. Got so good at it that I believed my own web of lies). I still see myself as being a pretty masculine woman personality-wise, and I’m finally comfortable with the idea that I can simply be just that.

I bound my chest non-stop for many years, too, and they definitely... deflated. the skin seemed almost thinner/looser/softer? They certainly appeared smaller (and saggier) and my previous bra no longer fit. I'm guessing compressing fat cells for a long time isn't exactly good for them. I can't tell you if they bounced back since they were removed, but I certainly noticed changes before the removal.

I’m a little iffy on taking hormones at this point because it’s been so long without them and I think I’m almost out of the woods with these hot flashes. I just don’t want to jump blindly again, I want to weigh all the options. This whole thing has made me a terribly indecisive person. :x

I also just feel so strangely... comfortable? I’m not depressed anymore, my mood is stable, there’s no dysphoria. I just don’t know what impact taking hormones will have on what I’ve grown so accustomed to, y’know? Or is that just silly?

Thank you for the kind words, and I’ll keep an eye on my back but no pain so far. To be honest, I don’t really have any health complaints at this point, which is suspicious.

Edit: never mind, totally forgot to mention my insomnia has intensified to the point I can’t fall asleep until it’s past 4 am basically. I had insomnia before, but it wasn’t this bad.

I can understand your fear of not being on any hormones at all, but at least you're off T so that's something. :x I hope your appointment goes well and you get on estrogen! I can't think of any reason they would turn you down, but I've never gone after it before so I guess I wouldn't know.

As for the changes.. most things "reverted" to how they were originally. Now this is coming from someone who is 5'3", skinny and passed almost every single time as a very young man (like 15/16) near the 3 year mark on T (I had a relatively androgynous/masculine face to begin with and tried VERY hard to emulate the men around me, I guess the facial hair helped too). I never bulked up intentionally or tried to gain muscle mass, but I'm back to being kinda weak (can't even do one rep with a 20 pound dumbbell when I used to be able to on T). I used to have a LOT of belly/back hair on T (thick,black) and that's down to basically a tiny trail to my belly button, I just shave it off once a week. The hair pattern on my legs didn't revert (still lots of hair on thighs), my eyebrow/nose/arm hair still grow like weeds. My fat distribution might be back to normal, but I never gained/lost much weight on T (highest was 115) and I'm perpetually stuck at 110 pounds these days. In fact, when I first went off T I was down to 99 pounds, the lowest I've ever been in years. My upper body and waist did fill out on T and that is since back to how it was before. I actually kept all the measurements I took of my body before/during/after T and they're back to how they were, even if the changes were minimal on T (but small changes make a big difference on a small frame). Can't comment on fat distribution for my chest as my breasts were removed. Basically nowadays people think I'm a 12 year old girl. It's weird, I can't tell if they're being rude, but lots of people just blurt it out upon meeting me (and it's always the same age, like wtf?). The biggest struggle was my voice, I had to do a lot of vocal training and had a very awkward voice for awhile. Honestly those first 2 years off T were kind of awkward in general, I would cry a lot about how I ruined my body for good and thought it would stay hairy/kinda manly. But it certainly didn't, and I'm really glad that I stuck with it and got through that really bad part because I'm much happier to be myself again.

I count myself as pretty fortunate/lucky but I hope you all the best and that this helps ease some of your worries to know.