It did come off as being in heavy denial. Unless she had a background like Jazz, being raised as a trans girl from an extremely young age, which is not the impression I got. (That would be a whole other issue not relevant to this situation.)

But it felt like it came from genuinely suffering from dysphoria, to a degree so intense that she’s disassociated from her past self on some level. I don’t think it’s a social contagion type situation.

I feel genuine empathy, because I am diagnosed with (mild and managed) mental illness, and have experienced (mild and self-aware) types of disassociation, delusion, and fractured identity. But it is hard to speak to someone this deeply disassociated, when they feel personally threatened by my own attempt to recover my mental health, and to re-unify my own fractured identity.

I also feel doubt and confusion, because I have been taught that when interacting with someone in a mental health crisis, it is harmful to encourage and feed into a delusion that doesn’t feel real. But it dawns on me now that doing what feels right and kind for a transgender person sometimes contradicts that.

It’s also my workplace. I already worry enough about weirding out my co-workers with my gender situation, and worry they are secretly walking on eggshells around me to not get written up for transphobia. Now I’m worried about being written up for transphobia, myself!

I am curious to learn more about feminist literature, including un-PC gender-critical content (short of genuinely dangerous stuff like “all trans women are predators”).

I think when I felt forced into a female identity, and overwhelmed by it, I was less interested in feminism. But now that I am able to approach it at my own pace, voluntarily, from an identity on the outside, I am interested in re-learning about it.

Not to throw another political hot topic in the mix, but I think the Roe v Wade overturn has had an influence in my recent gender journey too. Hearing those words make me flash back to being a little kid, and my mom teaching me proudly about the rights I had as a girl, and the generations of feminism who won them for us. And I took them for granted, because I’d had them my whole life, and I thought no one would ever revoke them. I feel a call to stop rejecting that part of my gender.

It does feel like, if I’m being fair to both sides (and I’ve been mostly critical of the AMAB side of transness in this thread), the problem I’ve encountered most with AFAB GNC folks is having to keep up with frequent pronoun changes and neopronouns. One person was still feminine-presenting and said their pronouns change day-to-day, and we’d better keep up or we’re transphobes. One person, who was very cool and kind to me, went by noun neopronouns, and I adored them but just couldn’t bring myself to use those. Strangers on the internet going by words like faeself, I just can’t take seriously.

I am a themby now, myself. But I’ve tried to make it easy for others by keeping my name and pronouns simple and traditional-ish, changing them only about twice in my lifetime: from birth-name she/her, to chosen-name he/him as a trans man, to birth-name they/them now. And I’m impossible to deadname or misgender, I will happily accept any of these names or pronouns without complaint. Chosen-name still comes in handy because it’s gender-neutral, more common, and easy to spell.

This made me check her wording again to see if it was inconsistent or if I was misremembering. (It was weeks ago but is recorded as text). I did get a few details mixed up.

She said a cis girl oppressed her by saying she was “socially raised as male”. She disagreed, saying she was “socially raised as a woman perceived as male, which isn’t the same”. And an enby person (no specified AGAB) had agreed with this. So she wasn’t being hypocritical in her wording.

I’m sorry. If you’re experiencing hormone-associated changes, especially heavy bleeding, I hope you are able to get medical coverage, and talk to a primary care doctor or endocrinologist about it. I am far from a doctor, but maybe something is affecting your ovaries, like PCOS? Or whatever else interacts with hormones? Adrenal glands?

I’m guessing you are past the age of puberty being a factor. And that you are not on any form of hormonal birth control like a pill or implant. Are you near the age of pre-menopause being a factor?

In the meantime, can you style your hair to conceal the changes? Brush it forward, bangs? Or a wig if toy are comfortable with that.

My (LGBT friendly but solidly libertarian/moderate) parents gtfo to Oklahoma and are happy there. It’s sad bc they lived here for 25 years. But they can actually afford housing now, and fit in better politically.

Unfortunately I feel too attached to my lifelong home to leave this area. But maybe with more moderate people like me staying, despite the difficulty, we can keep things grounded here.

The PNW is my home too. I hope it’s reassuring that there are folks here like me who are on the same page.

If you are able to move to a smaller town, some distance from Seattle, you may find a sweet spot of both more natural beauty, and more moderate politics.

I also avoid blow drying my hair, because I’ve heard it can cause damage. I didn’t know about heat protectant, maybe I will check it out.

It is kind of fun to comb my hair. : ) It feels like a type of self-love. Styling it, like braiding it, is hard, but I’m curious about doing it again, and being able to use accessories like scrunchies. My partner is also nonbinary with long hair, maybe we could bond by practicing styles like braids on each other.

I am generally patient and give the benefit of the doubt (maybe to a fault), so I still engage with some chill outer edges of the LGBT community. I can’t help feeling instant connection over shared experience with someone when they identify as LGBT.

But I can totally understand your frustration, CreatorOfHate, and wanting nothing to do with it. Being a gender questioning AFAB on the spectrum can be an isolating and frustrating experience. I’ve experienced homophobia as the only female member of an IRL autism support group, and passive-aggressive comments about neurodiverse people when I disclosed to an IRL trans support group.

At one of my lowest/angstiest points, I stood on a bridge at night asking the void “why?” under my breath, like I was asking a hypothetical God, “why did you make me like this, you gave me too many layers of otherness for one person to live with!” Until a kind middle-age lady approached me and was basically like “hey kid, you look like you need to talk to someone”, lol. It’s been a few years since then and I’m more at peace with it all now. I hope you get a break from the bullshit and a peaceful life too.

Thank you for your gracious reply. I’ve felt bolstered by the support of replies from detrans and desisted female peers, but I appreciate also receiving honest feedback from a detrans male perspective. I know I may come off as a bit of a biased asshole, and on some level that may be warranted. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

There is definitely a limit to how far my beliefs can swing the other way. Reading opinions about the trans movement doing indirect harm to cis women, cis gay and lesbian people, and detrans people, I was intrigued. But after a certain point it started approaching “trans women as a group are dangerous” rhetoric and I noped the fuck out of that.

I will be honest that I have bitterness about feeling overlooked and underserved by the LGBT community as an AFAB person. Occasionally I have taken offense with individual MTF voices. But those were individuals, and I know individuals within an identity group can vary widely. And that I can disagree with or feel insulted by an individual, but should not judge the group for it.

There are trans women I have worked with, and online who I look up to. I gave my MTF acquaintance a place to live with me, when her only options were a men’s shelter or returning to unsupportive family, and while I disagree with her on some parts of the trans experience, I keep my thoughts to myself because I know she is in a vulnerable position and I want her to feel safe. My partner is nonbinary AMAB, and occasionally questions their gender, and I adore them, and I have made clear that if they ever identified to me as MTF I would support them.

On some level, I can admit it can generally be harder to be a trans woman. There’s visibility but it does come at the price of intense stigma. The effects of testosterone are easy to apply but harder to reverse.

And, selfishly, transmysoginistic fear-mongering is dangerous for me too. Once, my partner and I took their very young niece to a park in North Carolina, and she needed one of us to accompany her into the women’s public bathroom. My partner and I decided it would be most appropriate for me to go, but I had post-T facial hair and voice. I can almost feel the violence that could have been unleashed if the wrong stranger had walked in and thought I was a “dangerous trans woman” in that moment.

You’re right, that while extreme pro-trans views can be harmful, extreme anti-trans views can be dangerous too. I wish there were more room to be in between and have a nuanced opinion. I’m glad at least this space is here and letting me process this.

I’ve never even heard of TME/TMA! What about hostility toward people mistaken as trans women, including detrans women? I’ve needed a women’s restroom when I’ve been on my period, but been afraid to use it because my face isn’t shaved. I once saw a comment on a YouTube video featuring a detrans woman, clearly missing the point saying “you’ll never be a real woman!” 🙄 It is not a 1:1 replacement for AGAB/XTX. And how is it any more dignified to identify yourself based on how others have tried to hurt you?

(Not ranting at you, of course, I’m agreeing with you)