This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the comments provided, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic user.
The user's comments display:
- A consistent, deeply personal narrative of detransition.
- Complex emotions like regret, envy, and hopelessness that are specific to the detrans experience.
- Self-reflection on their own motivations and the internal and external pressures that led to transition.
- A nuanced view that doesn't simply blame "the trans thing," aligning with the passionate but varied perspectives found in the community.
The writing is coherent, emotionally charged, and reflects the ongoing struggle described, which is not typical of scripted bot behavior.
About me
I'm a female who started testosterone in my early twenties because I never felt like a normal woman and thought transitioning would make my masculine features make sense. I forced myself to go through with it despite my doubts, and for a while, being seen as a man was a relief. The permanent changes from testosterone now mean I look completely male, with a deep voice and male pattern baldness. For my own safety, I have to live as a man because no one would see me as female. I am trapped by my appearance and struggle daily with hopelessness and grief for the life I can never have.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition and detransition has been complicated and painful. I’m a female, and I was on testosterone for a few years. I’ve been off it for about a year and a half now.
Looking back, I think a lot of my desire to transition came from a deep need to feel normal. I’ve never felt like a normal girl or woman. I felt like garbage around other females my entire life because I was so different. I’m very tall for a woman, 6 feet, and I naturally had a masculine face and body even before hormones. I looked like a weird man without even trying. I think part of me transitioned because I already looked male, and it felt like a way to make that weirdness make sense. I couldn't admit that to myself at the time.
I had doubts for years before I actually started transitioning. Instead of listening to that uncertainty, I judged myself for being indecisive. I spent a lot of time online comparing myself to other people I saw transitioning. I’d think, "That person finally started T, and I haven't..." I felt like I was losing time and that I wasn't a "true trans guy" because I was so slow and unsure. Right before I went to the gender clinic, I still didn't feel right, but I was so angry at myself for being indecisive that I basically forced myself to go. I felt like I had to prove I was serious, and I was afraid that if I gave up on the idea, it would mean everyone who thought it was just a phase was right.
Once I started testosterone, I did feel like I fit in better for the first time. It was a relief to be treated as a normal guy instead of a weird, masculine woman. But that feeling didn't last. I realized I wasn't actually trans, but by then, the physical changes were significant. The testosterone made me look about ten years older, and the changes to my voice and body are permanent.
Now, even though I stopped hormones over a year and a half ago, I still look and sound completely male. I’m tall, have a deep voice, a masculine face, and I’m even losing my hair. To everyone in the world, I am just a huge, hairy, bald man. There is no way for me to socially detransition because it’s not safe. People would just see me as a man pretending to be a woman. So, for my own safety, I have to live pretending to be a man. I’m trapped in this fake life. I’m changing my official documents back to female, but I know it’s going to make my daily life even harder because I don’t look female at all.
The mental toll is immense. I feel a hopeless envy of women who are normal, who just fit into the box of being female. I can’t handle hearing female voices or seeing pictures of women, real or fictional, because it’s a constant reminder that I don’t belong and never will. I can’t even stand to hear or see myself. I know some people say I should just stop obsessing over how I look, but it’s not that simple. My appearance has directly caused my life to stop. I’ve lost all my interests because I’m constantly thinking about suicide. It’s impossible to build connections with people when you’re in this state; you have nothing to offer and you feel like a burden.
I don’t really blame the whole trans movement for what happened. I was an adult, 21 years old, when I started, and I live in a country where being trans is actually frowned upon, so I wasn’t influenced by online communities in the same way others might be. I made my own choices, driven by my own low self-esteem and my desperation to feel normal. I don’t regret transitioning in the sense that it gave me a few years of feeling like I fit in, but I deeply regret the permanent physical consequences that now leave me trapped. My only coping strategy now is to try and distract myself, but it’s a daily struggle against hopelessness.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Various ages up to 21 | Years of doubt and comparing myself to trans people online. Felt immense pressure to start transitioning. |
| 21 | Started testosterone, began medical transition. |
| Around 26 | Stopped taking testosterone after a few years on it. |
| 27.5 (Present) | Living socially as a man for safety, while processing detransition. In the process of changing legal documents back to female. |
Top Comments by /u/EmptyEvening9990:
Oh yes. It might seem obvious but it's much more complicated when you're dealing with it
I had doubts for a few years before I started actually transitioning, and instead of listening to myself I JUDGED myself for being "indecisive and slow". Compared myself to others(on the internet, not even friends, didn't have trans friends) a lot. "That person finally started T, and I haven't... That guy changed his documents when he was 18, I'm older and I haven't..." Right before I went to a gender clinic I still didn't feel right, but I was so angry at myself for "losing years" being indecisive, I felt like I wasn't a "true trans guy" and somehow it was a bad thing, I basically forced myself to go there and start the process to "prove" to myself and others that I'm serious. I also was afraid to give up on this idea of being a trans guy because it would mean everyone around was right, it was a game and I'm just "stupid". There was much more, like wanting to look like and to be treated like a normal guy instead of a weird masculine woman, need to look "normal", ironically (like when you're 6′0″ woman you feel less normal than if you're a 6′0″ man)
Female detrans for 1,5 years after a few years on T.
I'm not envious of what being a woman specifically is, I'm envious of normalcy.
I felt like garbage around other girls and women my entire life because I was never normal, now it's much worse obviously and only getting worse as I realize even more how hopelessly different and wrong I am. I can't handle hearing female voices, seeing pictures of real people and even(...I know) fictional characters, etc. It all reminds me that I don't belong. Can't handle hearing and seeing myself too.
I'm ridiculously envious of those who "fit the box". But it seems like it's not that common to be SO affected, I just have an extreme case of ugliness that doesn't leave a chance, and bad coping skills.
Interested to know what others have to say
Thank you for your comment and opinion.
Of course I know about people with deformed bodies. It's a different problem.
I wish it worked like this and I could just "stop obsessing". I wish it was just in my head so I could work on that. I don't just "imagine" that my life stopped, it happened and I describe what happened.
I had some interests and I lost even that because it's impossible to be interested in anything when all you can think about is suicide. Interests are not enough anyway. It's also impossible to build a deeper connection because when you're suicidal and your mental state is terrible you can't offer anything good to people, it's hard to be supportive and spend your own resources(that are not enough even for you to survive) on someone else, I'm just a burden for everyone this way. It's hard to keep faking normalcy that's required to have any meaningful connection when I'm on the verge of suicide. The solution isn't "just do it"(i mean communication.....), in order to "just do it" I need to feel something like okay at least, and it's impossible because of my life experience.
It's much more complicated than "stop doing that, just do this", easy solution for a simple problem. I wish I could "just do this and that" instead of having to kill myself and be alone in mental agony for years before that, I don't enjoy it.
I'm not just "obsessing". I'm not deformed in a way that you mean, but I'm definitely noticeably abnormal(it's very easy to learn when different strangers in different circumstances tell you about it in different stages of your life), it's not just in my head.
Thank you. There's so many different reasons and combinations of reasons that lead people to transition. I'm more like "adults can do whatever they want with their bodies unless it harms others" so I don't even blame the Trans Thing(tm) in my case(I was 21 when I started transitioning), I'm from a country where it's technically illegal to even discuss it in a positive way so I was less affected than a lot of people here, I think.
Yes, I stopped taking hormones more than 1,5 years ago. This alone isn't enough to be able to detransition socially, unfortunately. At least not in my case and not in my country since I still look like a male person and it is impossible to change. For my own safety I have to pretend I'm a man, I guess. I transitioned because I already looked like a man naturally(couldn't admit it was one of the reasons, and now I can) so my in my case there's nothing to "revert", nothing to do about it
My situation is different but I can relate. I see why it makes you feel what you feel. I understand this hopelessness I started having this problem even before I went on T because I passed as a weird man without even trying, but now, after a few years on T, it's much worse, there's no chance. So I just live pretending I'm a man, for my own safety. From my point of view you're amazing for even trying to do what you want despite being treated like shit, but I understand being cool doesn't help when you need to NOT be treated like this... Want to believe there is a way that just doesn't seem obvious now
Thank you for sharing your story. This kind of situation seems not as common and obvious. "fit in for the first time in my life" - this alone can be so tricky, I personally thought for me it was worth it even though I understood I wasn't trans, but I couldn't fool myself
Yes, I understand this advice. I also managed to get distracted(in a good way) by focusing on a cat-dog shelter for a short period of time, but I got so bad I couldn't continue. Music, too, ha ha. Unfortunately, gave up on that too as things started getting worse. But in general yes, distraction is the only strategy I use now to keep going. Don't want to start "escaping" again though
Thank you for your comment
I'm in a similar situation except I didn't start T again - because I pass as a 100% man even 1,5 years off of T. Tall, deep voice, very masculine face and body naturally but T made me look 10 years older too. To me it doesn't matter if I'm "technically" a woman if absolutely everyone on this planet sees me as a huge hairy bald man because I actually look and sound like one. I'm trapped in a fake-man life no matter what I want. I'm changing my documents back though... and it's going to make my life even more unbearable but I had reasons to make this decision.
So I don't have any advices... I know some people get better, learn to cope, accept themselves. It shouldn't be about how we look and sound. For me it is but a lot of people manage to move on somehow and it's amazing. We're all different even though situations are similar in some ways, so I hope something will work for you. But I understand the hopelessness.