Thank you for sharing. I’m probably not the person you were hoping to hear back from. Since I’m also a happy transsexual over a decade post transition with no intention of detransitioning. But I at least wanted to briefly say what I can to let you know that you’re not alone. I also recognize that we’re two happily transitioned people in a detrans space, so if you want to talk more feel free to PM me.

Anyways, I can relate. And while I have my personal preferences of how I label myself, I usually take the Leslie Feinberg approach and just say “fuck it” to labeling my gender or labeling my existence. I can go into a TRA space and they’ll insist without a doubt that I’m female and that it’s the truth. And I can go to a gender critical space and they’ll insist I’m male because it’s the truth. None of it matters. None of it changes the fact that I am who I am, the person I am, the thoughts I think, in the body that’s mine. Call me what you want, I’m just me. And knowing that brings me peace. So what if I’m male, as Miranda Yardley says; it’s a neutral statement. It just is what it is. It’s just a thing. It doesn’t change me.

And if I have to be male, then, okay. As gender critical people are fond of saying, I’m allowed to exist as male and define male however I want. And if that’s the case then I chose to be the kind of male who has a faux-vagina, a body full of estrogen, and doesn’t care if I’m mistaken as a woman. That choice comes with pain from years of trying to be something else, anything else, trying to find alternatives; but eventually realizing that this is the only way I can seem to happily exist. I’m still who I am, I still have the same passions, I still love the same people. Whatever I am.

I wish I could say something to help you feel less fake, like less of an imposter around your friends. I’ve never really felt that way. Maybe it’s because of what I wrote above, or maybe it’s because I’m blissfully aloof all the time. I don’t know, just know that people choose to be around you because you are you. Not because you are male or female. Same goes for life partners. Mostly. Honestly I think dating culture today is just really shitty and everybody feels hopeless lol.

And you’re not alone in how you feel about a lot of trans activism today. Really. I think it’s violent, selfish, and largely appalling. I don’t fit in either. I really don’t fit in when I start expressing some of my opinions. I struggle to find a space I agree with, but they are out there.

I’d just like to speak for a second, trans person to trans person with you.

Yes, I think it’s a shame detrans individuals don’t have more resources and outlets available to them. But I really hope you understand that you, in creating this space, are personifying the exact reasons detrans people have no other places to go. Because when it comes to trans communities, everything is about validation. There’s one specific way of thinking about gender that you need to follow and if you don’t do so then you’re removed from the space. Trans spaces are very heavily policed spaces. And to detransition, people a lot of the time need to break free of how trans people think about gender. I find it interesting that you, in your first post on your new subreddit, have deleted most of the comments from detrans people while the comments from trans people remain. I find it interesting that there’s no detrans people there even though it’s supposed to be a detrans space. And I find it interesting that only trans people have offered to mod so far.

What exactly is it that you feel you have to offer detrans people that they cannot get here? You understand why a lot of detrans people find what you’re doing to be offensive, right? Because in making your new subreddit I can’t help but ask; whose supporting who here? Who’s validating who? If this space that you want is going to exist, then detrans people need to be the ones who make it; not us.

Agreed. And while I understand that this is the reason so many detrans groups are private; I really do appreciate this group being public because it’s such a wealth of knowledge, created by detransitioners, that doesn’t exist elsewhere on the internet. I truly appreciate being able to learn here.

I’d like to be a good ally to detransitioners. And it’s my belief that a good ally does a lot more listening than they do speaking.

And I know it’s been said here before but to all other allies; if you’re going to speak then it would be most productive to speak positively about detransitioners outside of this space in the other spaces we’re a part of rather than speaking here on r/detrans and usurping one of detransitioners best platforms.

I’m glad to hear that! Yes, I really don’t like the picture trans activism created of us either. I typically identify myself as a transsexual. A word that over the past decade has become offensive. Because it’s apparently offensive to recognize that I am different from females. Apparently I shouldn’t think that simply being feminine isn’t what makes you a woman. Apparently I shouldn’t recognize the male privilege I’ve held for a large portion of my life, apparently I shouldn’t fight to break that. Apparently it’s completely okay to evoke male privilege to attack and harass women based on ideals while simultaneously claiming access to the safe spaces women have have from male violence.

Anyways, I don’t need to start ranting but one of the beautiful things about the anonymity of the internet is that you can use it for good. I like to speak out against what’s wrong when I can. Because really, they’re just strangers on the internet, I probably won’t see most of them ever again. I can say what needs to be said and just be done with it. Plus, I get not always being able to always come out in real life, so our voice on the internet can help ground us.

Honestly, I think a lot of this just has to do with the fact that they can transition all they want but they can never change the fact that they were born and raised as males. By the time a man’s old enough to be having a wife and kids; that’s a lot of years of that male socialization, privilege, entitlement, selfishness, and conceitedness that they have.

I really am sorry to hear that someones put all of this on you. You’re not selfish for not wanting to change your entire identity for another person.

It’s defiantly...an enlightening thread. I don’t think what I said in there had any impact, but I don’t regret saying it. It’s so weird, everybody is so certain that there’s some sort of manipulative super villain behind the scenes of all this.

And to anyone who may have read what I wrote, I truly hope I didn’t offend anyone here. I don’t want to feel like I’m appropriating anyone’s stories. If I did please don’t hesitate to let me know, really, PM me or whatever I do want to be an ally.

Hey, I’ve seen your name around before and I’m really glad to see you posting here.

I don’t have as much to offer you as everyone else, but I just wanted to say that I really do wish you the best on your journey to find peace within yourself. You said you feel guilty because your family deserves to be normal. But they seem to really support you however you are, because the truth is that they just want to see you happy. Seeing you happy is what the deserve. Seeing you persevere and find some happiness through all that you’ve been through is what they deserve.

As others have said, I’d encourage you to drop labels. Words like masculine or feminine and words like transgender or cisgender are all just hallow and empty labels that people use to define other people. Instead you should work on defining yourself. Define words how you want to define them. And please don’t worry about adhering to other people’s expectations of who you should be; because they’re never going to tell you what’s best for you, they’re just telling you what’s best for them.

It was lovely to see you write this, and so well said, thank you.

You’ve both made a really great point. When I hear “government funded trans health care” I really do wish that meant less about things like breast augmentation and SRS and more about free counseling and therapy. Especially for younger people. I would much rather the government pay for enough hours with therapists so people, if they do pursue HRT, do so with clarity of mind, fully knowing the risks, and having a strong understanding and acceptance that the results are not perfect.