This story is from the comments by /u/ExactSandwich3710 that are listed below, summarised with AI.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account "ExactSandwich3710" appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor.
The comments display a high degree of personal, nuanced, and consistent storytelling over a three-month period. The user shares a detailed and psychologically complex narrative of their detransition, including specific factors like BPD, family history, internalized misandry, and a history of abuse. The advice given to others is empathetic, varied, and reflects real-world experience rather than a repetitive script. The user also demonstrates the "passionate and pissed off" perspective noted in your prompt, but it is contextualized within their personal harm, which aligns with a genuine detransitioner's experience. The writing style is natural, with self-reflection, occasional tangents, and responses that are directly tailored to other users' specific situations.
About me
I was born male and started wishing I was a girl because I felt different and deeply unhappy with myself. My desire to transition was really about escaping my own life, fueled by mental health issues and internalized homophobia. I spent years living as a woman online, but I began to see that changing my sex wasn't the answer to my problems. I realized I could be a happy, feminine man without medical intervention. Now I'm focused on accepting myself and working on my real underlying issues, and I'm grateful I never medically transitioned.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started long before I even knew what the word "trans" meant. I was born male, but from a young age, I felt different. I didn't fit in with the other boys and I was deeply uncomfortable with myself. A lot of this, I now realize, was because I just didn't want to be me. My brain latched onto the idea of being a woman as the most drastic escape from myself that I could imagine.
A big part of my desire to transition came from a place of deep insecurity and internalized negativity. I have BPD, which runs in my family, and I struggled with severe facial dysmorphia. For about two years, I couldn't even look at my own face in a mirror without feeling intense anger or crying because I was convinced it was horribly asymmetrical. I was also deeply attracted to both men and women, but I had internalized the idea that bisexuality and being feminine were only for women. As a man, I felt like I was doomed.
Growing up, I was surrounded by messages from some relatives and other adults about how men were evil. I was treated badly by some men, and hearing that constantly made me not want to be a part of that group. I was also incredibly jealous of the close, intimate friendships I saw between women. I thought that if I were a woman, I could finally have that kind of connection and acceptance.
I started to socially transition in my teens. I never took hormones or had any surgeries, partly because we couldn't afford it and partly because my mom was strongly against it. In hindsight, I am so grateful for that. I spent several years living as a woman online and in some social circles. But the more time I spent in trans communities, the more I saw patterns that worried me. It felt like an echo chamber where people were often encouraged to transition without really examining the deeper reasons why. Some people seemed to be using others as guinea pigs for their own transitions, or they wanted validation for their choices by having others make the same ones. When I started to question things and eventually decided to stop, some people in those communities turned vicious.
What made me realize this wasn't the right path was a slow process of introspection. I tried a mental exercise: instead of picturing myself as a woman, I tried picturing myself as a different man. And then I tried picturing myself as a better version of me. I realized that the feeling of relief and possibility was the same. The core issue wasn't my sex; it was that I was deeply unhappy with myself and my life. I was using the idea of being a woman as a form of escapism.
I also saw that many of my friends who had fully transitioned weren't any happier. Their underlying issues—like childhood trauma, BPD, or depression—were still there. Transitioning was like putting a bandaid on a wound that needed stitches. For me, those issues were my BPD, facial dysmorphia, internalized homophobia, and the trauma of being abused by a man when I was younger.
I slowly worked on accepting myself as a feminine man. I realized that my personality and my sex are two different things. I can be a man who loves wearing makeup, has feminine interests, and is attracted to men without having to change my body. I found male role models who were feminine and happy, which showed me it was possible. It was a long and difficult journey to self-acceptance, but now I have days where I feel genuinely good about being a man. I don't regret exploring my gender, but I absolutely regret that I ever thought changing my sex was the answer. I'm glad I never medically transitioned; it would have been a huge mistake for me, causing health issues and infertility for something that wasn't my true problem.
My thoughts on gender now are that it's separate from personality. Being masculine or feminine doesn't mean you're in the wrong body. I think a lot of people, especially young people, are confused because they conflate not fitting into stereotypes with being trans. The grass often seems greener on the other side, but every sex has its own set of challenges and pains. I benefited immensely from stepping away from online trans communities and finding real-life friends who accepted me for who I am, a feminine man, and who were honest with me instead of just telling me what I wanted to hear.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Late Childhood | First started wishing I had been born a girl. Felt different from other boys. |
| Early Teens (13-14) | Started socially transitioning. Began living as a woman online and with friends. Severe facial dysmorphia began. |
| Mid Teens (15-16) | Deeply involved in online trans communities. Mom opposed transition, preventing medical steps. |
| Late Teens (17-18) | Began to seriously question my transition. Realized my desire was rooted in escapism, not true dysphoria. |
| 18 | Stopped identifying as trans and began the process of detransitioning. Lost most friends from the trans community. |
| 19-Present | Focused on self-acceptance as a feminine man. Worked on underlying mental health issues (BPD, dysmorphia). Found a supportive friend group and a girlfriend who loves me for me. |
Top Reddit Comments by /u/ExactSandwich3710:
Why not live as a feminine guy? Or save it for special occasions if you think that'd get in the way?
It has gotten really insidious how if you're feminine as a man or masculine as a woman = you need to be pushed to be trans.
Does it help if you try picturing yourself as a different, more ideal man? If it does then that's at least a goal you can work toward.
This is a poignant observation I think, a lot of both the mtfs and ftms I met seemed to be transitioning because they didn't want to grow up into men and women, and that kinda carries over to their transition where they want to be girls or boys not actually grow into women or men either.
Cost, time, mental effort, constantly putting on a show (not exclusive to being trans but it's part of it), folks not wanting to date you once you start, potentially realizing it was a mistake if your reasons were caused by other untreated issues that could alleviated it without all you have to invest into transitioning, health impacts from the treatments and surgeries.
Honestly I find in general if someone discounts your experiences just like that, it's a huge flashing neon sign of their own insecurities - no matter how much confidence they project outward, they always turn out to be insecure. If they didn't have anything to prove they wouldn't feel a need to discount your experience in order to validate their own. Folks with genuine confidence in themselves don't feel a need to prove anything, about themselves or you.
It's different to disagreeing. Someone can disagree that your experiences apply to everyone, but the moment they try to rewrite your past it's really about them, not you.
No one can take your experiences away from you, they didn't live in your head. The fact you know the truth is what really matters in the end.
Made a throwaway since your backstory sounds a lot like mine, just flip the genders. I'm not sure this will help you since I notice some other differences too apart from that, but I hope it does.
I had lots of bad experiences with therapists in the family so I'm not going to comment on whether or not you should get one, I didn't, but what I realized over time and reflection was that it wasn't so much I wanted to change sex, it was that I deeply wanted to be someone other than me and imagining myself as a woman was the easiest, most drastic way for my brain to cope. It wasn't until later that I realized imagining myself as a man that wasn't me did the same thing for me. I just didn't want to be me really. Your comment on how you feel about your body really stuck out to me since I felt the same way, in fact it was another reason I doubted being trans.
Add into that confusion over being deeply attracted to both men and women, BPD (fourth person in the family with it diagnosed, after two grandparents and an aunt), and the fact I was bombarded with messaging growing up on how evil men are by relatives and other adults, along with being treated badly, naturally as a kid I didn't want to be a part of that. If you internalized all the negative messages about being a woman which are out there too I can understand why you'd prefer to be treated as a guy too. For me it was the opposite. I was jealous about women's friendships with other women.
As for only feeling okayish about your junk, I think that's a normal problem growing up - lots of guys and gals feel at least a little insecure over theirs even into adulthood.
For me I slowly trained myself to flip desiring to be a woman to desiring to be another man, then me but as a better man. I just slowly managed to make the goal more realistic. I do still have the odd day where I wish I was someone else, man or woman, but usually only if I'm feeling really down in general. I guess now I'm at the point I don't mind what I am. I have a lot of good days too where I feel good about being a man.
Most of all, I'm extremely glad I didn't transition, it would have been a lot harder, and involved a lot more chemicals and surgery. I had enough hospital visits growing up that I don't want to ever see the inside of a hospital ever ever again.
I feel part of trans is escapism, especially from the ails of being your biological sex, at least it was for me, but I've since realized neither women nor men have it all easy. A lot of my women friends have suffered from assault or abuse, and a lot of my male friends are cripplingly lonely romantically and socially. I know a lot of men from high school and college that couldn't take it and committed suicide. I don't want to sound too depressing but there are definite disadvantages that come into play if you start getting treated socially as a man - or a woman - especially if you're trans.
Your mom might be right on the spending time in trans communities part. In my experience there is definitely a phenomenon where some people in those communities encouraging you because either they are testing the waters with their own transition and you're the guinea pig, or they're insecure about their own transition and want you to affirm and validate theirs by you making the same choice. Don't get me wrong, there are nice people in the community, but they aren't all like that. Sometimes the people who say what you think you want to hear are the worst for you. When I decided to stop they got vicious - I still have two friends from that time (who haven't detransed) but they're both from really bad backgrounds - one was abused as a boy by his sister and I think the surrounding trauma could have been why he became a she. The other has really severe BPD and other problems, those haven't gone away with transitioning, they told me they still aren't happy. They're lovely people but I think it was just escapism, like it was for me.
Also, to add to what others have said, you don't have to be feminine to be happy as a woman. My ex and my gf are polar opposites - my ex never cut her hair shorter than her shoulders, usually it went down to her waist, and she always wore skirts, dresses, blouses, makeup etc. - my gf has her hair cropped short and rarely puts on makeup. Mostly wears 'guy' clothes, works out a lot and is pretty butch, I really adore the butch look on her. I don't think we would have gotten together if one or the other of us transitioned, we wouldn't be us anymore. Both she and my ex are attracted to women and men. They both have a different way of being women and it works. Neither of them has solely masculine or feminine hobbies - my ex enjoyed clay shooting and my gf loves embroidery.
Being at odds with your body like that is mentally taxing, I don't see how it's not. Being trans isn't easy.
If you're having to pass for other people that's putting on a show. If you're just acting your normal self and that's enough to pass then I guess it doesn't apply, but for a lot of folks they have to change their voice etc. to do so or they get constantly outed.
I agree with your pov on this but everyone who considers transitioning has to be aware it will burn a lot of bridges that would otherwise be there if they weren't trans or manage to resolve their other trauma for those where trans is a bandaid, not really what they want deep down.
This is another part of what made me doubt, friends that went all the way didn't seem to actually be happy in their lives after doing so, partly because they didn't deal with existing trauma from childhood abuse etc. I wanted to be actually happy, not less down.
If you're not planning surgeries I guess that doesn't apply to you. HRT has side effects though and puberty blockers definitely do. That said, for anyone considering puberty blockers or surgery they absolutely do need to be aware of the potential dangers, and surgery is never ever without risk.
In short, in my case: I realized it wasn't that I actually wanted to be a woman, it was that I didn't want to be me (escapism) and I didn't want to be me for various reasons - facial dysmorphia, internalized homophobia and misandry, trauma, misconceptions - I thought women were free to be as masculine or feminine as they wanted and attracted to whoever they liked when men were not and had to be macho and straight. I have a close friend (ftmtf desister) who felt the same way but the other way around, that she couldn't be masculine and attracted to women as a woman, though we'd both stopped identifying as trans before we met. I realized I'd have been happier as another man too, which while not totally realistic for me in every way was at least more realistic. After that it was about making my goals more realistic and trying to be a better me instead of trying to be someone else.
I wished I was born a girl too for a looong time, like starting with late childhood at least, and I don't anymore. There are all kinds of other reasons why you might feel that way - from feeling put in a box as your birth sex, not being allowed to express femininity, or other traits, or just thinking the grass is greener. Or even just being different.
If you're happy as a boy I'd say just embrace being a feminine guy. I also don't think it's an issue to have more or less manly features, that doesn't mean you have to act one way or another - there are butch women with curves and feminine men with strong jaws etc just as the reverse exists too.
he's started to call me with she/her and all it make me feel really good
I loved being complimented on my femininity. Still do. I'm not a woman though, nor do I believe I have to be in order to be able to be express my femininity anymore.
I also hate not visceral but like strongly dislike most of my manly feature (glad that I don't have a lot of them)
This is part of growing up for a lot of people and just something we have to learn to accept. I know I hated hearing this over and over again from adults as a teen, but you really do change a lot and grow into some features that looked really lopsided when you were younger. I never would have done weightlifting when I was younger as I really leaned into my feminine features but now it doesn't bother me to have some extra muscle around my arms and stomach.
I still wear makeup and most of my clothing comes from the women's section, my face hands feet and (to some extent) hips will never look masculine but it doesn't bother me in either direction anymore, I'm fine with being a guy and being identified/misidentified doesn't irk me anymore either. I've also dated men who looked manly and still wore makeup etc, nothing wrong with that. Not that I'm saying you have to wear makeup.
Your personality may also grow in/out of femininity/masculinity. No reason to put yourself in a box so young.
For me I realized (it took a really long time and lots of thought) when I tried picturing myself as someone different of my birth sex as opposed to my identified one and then I realized I actually would have been happier that way too. So my problem was with me, not my sex. After that it was just finding good role models and goals that were realistic for my looks / interests so I'd feel more comfortable about them and know what to work on too.
At this point I don't think I'd mind if it I had been one sex or the other but just being my birth sex is sooo much easier and I feel happy about myself as my birth sex.
But this may not work for everyone. I do think it's important to introspect and be sure you are trans and not that it's a coping mechanism for other trauma or aspects of yourself you struggle with
I can't keep doing this. I end up regurgitating politically correct things I don't believe anymore. But even though I don't agree with the words coming out of my mouth, I know I will face worse consequences for being honest about my thoughts on (my) transition.
This is part of what made me realize I needed to get out. I thought they accepted me for not living in a box set for me by peer pressure which didn't suit me at all, but really they just wanted me to live in another box.
Part of finding good friends is definitely finding people that will tell you when they agree or disagree with your pov or what you're doing, and also they'll call you out on things you do wrong or that are destructive without using shame and attacks and guilt to silence you.
Your first paragraph shows they were not good friends, they sound like abusive partners just in friend form. It may seem terrifying to cut out the only 'friends' you have at first, but trust me, knowing what I know now I'd rather have zero friends than 'friends'. The friends I have now when I admit something shameful to them they listen and we talk it out. With my ex friends they would only listen if it was something I was 'allowed' to feel, if it wasn't they'd berate me and use every trick in the book - guilt, social isolation/withholding, flipping between fake kindness/feeling 'sad' I was apparently such a bigot and then viciousness, sometimes within the span of a minute.
My therapist encouraged me to transition as quickly as possible. She pressured me to start hormones the FIRST time I saw her even though I wanted to work through my other issues first.
I also get the impression from doctors and therapists a lot are there to push drugs first and help last (but for me this was illness related not transition, by then my trust in therapists and doctors had been so shattered I didn't trust them). I've also had some try to push the drug with hands down the most side effects possible on me before recommending safer ones. I always do my research beforehand but it's difficult :/
That said, I've had friends who have had good doctors and therapists so there's that.
I'm really sorry you went through all this.
If you can find anyone at all who is genuine and really does care for you maybe they can help you get out too? It'd have to be someone outside this circle since it's clear nobody there is sticking up for you.