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Reddit user /u/FairytalesandTherapy's Detransition Story

This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic.

There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor. The user consistently and clearly identifies themself as a therapist/psychologist who works with detransitioners but does not have personal lived experience of transition. The comments are nuanced, detailed, and show a professional, therapeutic perspective focused on themes of identity, body dysphoria, and healing. The language is consistent, empathetic, and complex, which is not typical of bot-generated content. The passion and perspective align with a professional in that field, not someone impersonating a detransitioner.

About me

I am a therapist who helps people who are detransitioning, and I've always struggled to feel at home in my own female body. From my work, I've seen that many people transition to try and fix a deeper pain or to feel like they belong to a better group. I believe the chase for a certain identity is addictive, but learning to live with uncertainty is the real path forward. My own journey has been about building a functional relationship with my body through creativity and connection with others. I now focus on helping people untangle the symbolic meanings behind their desire to change.

My detransition story

I am here as a therapist who works with people who are detransitioning, so I want to be clear from the start that I am not speaking from my own personal experience of transitioning. My own journey has been one of trying to understand and help others, and of dealing with my own complicated feelings about my body, which have never felt like a true home to me. It’s something I’ve just had to drag around, and it's taken me a long time to build even a functional relationship with it, let alone a loving one.

From the many conversations I've had, I've seen that for a lot of people, transitioning can be a powerful attempt to create an edited, more acceptable version of themselves to present to the world. It can feel like a way to protect a very vulnerable self from rejection and to manage the unbearable feeling of loneliness that comes from not being able to trust others. I think there's a huge pressure on everyone to know exactly who they are and to like themselves, when the truth is most of us are just making it up as we go along, full of contradictions.

A theme I often see is that transition can be a response to something deeper—a way to try and heal or hide from trauma, to gain a sense of control in a chaotic life, or to feel alive when you feel numb. It can be a literal solution to a problem that might be better understood symbolically. For instance, an obsession with changing your body might literally be about gender, but symbolically it could be about a need to lighten an emotional burden or to belong to a different, seemingly better group. This idea of a "family romance," a fantasy of belonging somewhere else, really resonates with what some people describe.

My thoughts on gender are that it is incredibly complex and personal. I don't believe there are easy answers. The chase for certainty about who you are can be addictive because feeling uncertain is so disturbing, but that chase doesn't actually work. Uncertainty is always a part of life. The path forward, from what I've witnessed, often involves learning to tolerate not having all the answers, to change your mind, and to share your fears with others. Finding meaning through creativity, community, and connection has been a vital way through for me and for many I've worked with.

Since I did not personally transition, I do not have regrets about a transition of my own. My role has been to support those who are navigating their own paths, which sometimes includes regret and the difficult process of detransitioning.

Here is a timeline of my professional engagement with this topic, based on my comments:

Age Year Event
(Age not specified) 2023-08-15 Began participating in the online community, sharing my perspective as a therapist working with detransitioners.
(Age not specified) 2023-08-16 Discussed how transitioning can be an attempt to create an edited self to avoid rejection.
(Age not specified) 2023-08-21 Explored the idea of taking body-focused desires and understanding their symbolic meaning.
(Age not specified) 2023-09-06 Encouraged people to take their time choosing a therapist and to think about what issue transition was trying to solve.
(Age not specified) 2023-09-22 Wrote about Family Romance Theory as a framework for understanding the pull to transition.
(Age not specified) 2023-09-23 Shared how stories and myths can be a gentle way to connect to painful feelings of loneliness.
(Age not specified) 2025-04-04 Discussed the addictive nature of chasing certainty about one's identity and body.
(Age not specified) 2025-04-05 Commented on the lack of official pathways for detransition care within gender services.

Top Comments by /u/FairytalesandTherapy:

8 comments • Posting since August 15, 2023
Reddit user FairytalesandTherapy (Verified Psychologist ✅) explains Family Romance Theory, a childhood development concept where neglected children create a fantasy of belonging to a different, more resourced group to escape despair, which can manifest as a desire to be adopted or to transition.
30 pointsSep 22, 2023
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I hope it is ok to post - I am here as therapist who works with detranstitioners and not as someone with lived experience of transition. I have special interest in group psychology.

Your situation sounds very painful and I imagine will resonate with many here.

I don't know if it is helpful to know, but what you are describing is familiar to me. There is a theory called Family romance theory - and it is about childhood development and the despair and isolation some children feel, that leads to them into generating a fantasy of wishing they belonged to a different group. A group that has more resource or maybe a culture and way of being, that from the outside, appears rich in whatever it is your own group lacks. For lots of people this might manifest as a secret wish or desire to discover to have been adopted. Being adopted would solve having to face the despair of intense loneliness and navigating the grief of the situation of being neglected and not having enough of what you need. For others it can lead to a huge pull to reject your own sexuality and body and a wish to find comfort in the security of the appearance of an alternate identity. Even if it is just pretend, the hope that somehow being adjacent to the value you admire - even if make believe - is better than being abandoned and hated in your own world. It can take a while to work through the grief and anger that comes with this and not have it solely directed into self attack.

Anyway I do hope you have some support. I don't know what is right for you, or if this idea even makes any sense for your situation. But I do hope you are able to keep talking and find some relief through connection and community here.

Reddit user FairytalesandTherapy (Verified Psychologist ✅) explains the difficulty of body dysphoria and the universal struggle for self-acceptance, suggesting creativity and community as a path forward.
22 pointsAug 15, 2023
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Thanks for posting, your comment resonates with some of the conversations I have had with other people. I sometimes think there is such a pressure to know who you are and to like yourself, when actually everyone is making it up as they go along. And most people under close examination have pretty opposite parts of themselves, that don't make any sense together and yet have to coexist.

Body dysphoria can be brutal and when you have it, it can take a frustratingly long time to build up a functional relationship with your body. Let alone a loving or self-accepting one. For lots of people it is just this object we drag around and that you have to rely on, yet can feel like it continually lets you down and never quite feels like home.

I don't have personal experience of being trans - I am here as a therapist who works with 'detransitioners'. But I do have experience of body dysphoria and how difficult the path to self-acceptance is. I know for me finding meaning in life through creativity ( I love exploring myths and folklore) and finding a community there, has been a really vital way through. This can go a long way to soften some of the self attack that comes with the confusion about what is the right thing to do when trying to work out how to tolerate yourself.

Reddit user FairytalesandTherapy (Verified Psychologist ✅) explains how to find a therapist for detransitioning, framing transition as a response to trauma, loneliness, or a need for control.
15 pointsSep 6, 2023
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I'm here as a therapist who works with detransitioners and not as someone with lived experience of transition, so I hope it is ok for me to post. Also, I'm sorry to hear Genspect weren't helpful to you - I do some work with them, so hopefully that doesn't put you off reading this post.

I would encourage you to take your time with any therapist/s you are vetting. Think about what specific issues you might want to take to them and then ask them about how they work. It is ok to shop around. Or try something for a few sessions and see.

My experience is that transition, for the people I have worked with at least, has been a response or a way to try and heal or hide something, so my curiosity is often about what was going on that made you need a change in the first place and how do you honour and integrate all these different parts? It has been a way to try and create a sense of a more acceptable or safe version of the self, that can keep vulnerable bits away from others and still have relationships. For some it has then been about focusing on the relationship with their body, others it has been extreme loneliness or not quite knowing how to feel alive, sometimes it is an attempt to have some control in a complex life, or a need to address trauma.

Depending what issues you want to address will most likely inform what kind of therapy might be most useful. Check out what different therapies offer and see what makes sense to you. Also, sometimes it can be important to trust your gut reaction to someone - not all the decisions we make have to be understood straight away.

Reddit user FairytalesandTherapy (Verified Psychologist ✅) explains the psychological drive to transition as an attempt to find certainty and control over an uncertain body and life, and advises giving oneself permission to not know.
15 pointsApr 4, 2025
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I hope it is ok to post here - I’m a psychologist who works with detransitioners/desisters and so do not have my own lived experiences to offer.

However i guess from my work and also my own complicated relationship with my body, I do know though that chasing certainty/ a feeling of being in control - whilst really desirable is a risky thing to do when it comes to bodies. No leats as it can become quite addictive - as feeling uncertain can feel so disturbing.

It sounds like you have invested a lot in trying to get things right. I think one way of understanding the desire to transition can be a wish to have some certainty about who you are and control over how you want life to be. It’ can be an act of rejection of uncertainty. The only problem is it doesn’t work. Uncertainty is always there. The temptation when this happens is to pursue getting the right answer to life even more and more carefully. But this can leave everything even more confused than before.

My encouragement would be to give your self space to not know without pressure of getting ‘it’ right. It can become quite helpful to share fears with others. Let your self change your mind - sometimes lots of times - and start to notice how easily the world survives it - my guess is some parts of your life will be really bothered, but others really will understand. That might also help you navigate who to trust and where you can find belonging. This in turn can help with decision making, as and when you should you need to.

Anyway- i hope that makes sense and sorry if it doesn’t seem relevant to you air your situation. Just wanted to offer something.

Reddit user FairytalesandTherapy (Verified Psychologist ✅) explains that the path to overcoming voice anxiety, whether real or imagined, is learning to trust others to accept your unedited self.
13 pointsAug 16, 2023
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Thank you for posting. Your situation sounds incredibly emotionally painful and distressing. As we are posting and our conversation is written, it is hard for me to know if this is your anxiety or if your voice really does sound as you fear it might. Having said that, I think in some ways it doesn’t matter if this is a real or imagined problem as the way through is the same. Either way it involves having to trust the minds of other people - the people you are talking with, that they will hear you and be able to offer care and connection to you as this unedited version of yourself.

I do not have personal experience of being trans and am here as a therapist who works with detransitioners. From these conversations sometimes a theme seems to be how transitioning was an attempt to create an edited version of themselves to others and protect from rejection and the loneliness that comes when trusting others feels impossible. Learning to trust others can feel unbearable, particularly when you have been betrayed or let down. I don’t have any answers, but am wishing you patience, strength care.

Reddit user FairytalesandTherapy (Verified Psychologist ✅) explains how exploring the symbolic meaning behind gender identity, rather than just the literal transition, can help resolve an identity crisis.
7 pointsAug 21, 2023
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I’m in this space as a therapist who works with detransitioners and I do not have personal experience of being trans. I hope it is ok for me to comment.

A lot of the way I think can be helpful to work is to hold to the fact that that some things can be literally false but symbolically true. So for example, I might be obsessed with losing weight and if I did this literally I could end up with a very unhealthy body weight but if I I take it up symbolically I might try and think about what attitude do I need to lighten up about.

If my mind is consumed with wanting or needing to be something it can be important to think about the symbolic as well as the literal. So what symbolically does being female/ feminine represent to you or maybe what does being male symbolically mean or represent to you. Meanings are often quite individual.

I’m not sure if it would be helpful to explore your situation at this level for you, but thought I would share this perspective.

Reddit user FairytalesandTherapy (Verified Psychologist ✅) explains the profound loneliness and exhaustion of detransitioning, and suggests healing through making meaning, finding curiosity, and connecting gently with others and stories.
6 pointsSep 23, 2023
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What you are describing is extremely difficult and lonely. No wonder you are exhausted. Loneliness like this is a very serious thing. It takes time to heal - and to learn a way to connect that is bearable and right for you. I know for many healing comes through slowly learning how to make meaning and find curiosity about your own life and life around you. Often this is the very thing that has been denied.

Along with group psychology I also have a love of psychology in stories. One of the reasons I love stories and myths is that it can be a more gentle way to connect to very painful things. (I have often thought that one of the reasons the harry potter was so successful is that it is essentially the story the the Family Romance Theory. I do think it is a emotional wound of our time.) I can't really give you any advice. But I would encourage you to keep connecting with others and keep making space for your self in the places you go (whether in person or online).

Reddit user FairytalesandTherapy (Verified Psychologist ✅) explains why official detransitioner support from gender services is rare, citing the difficulty of admitting harm and the complications of having the same clinicians on pre- and post-transition pathways.
5 pointsApr 5, 2025
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I’m not sure there is anything official from the gender services. Although there is, as you mentioned, something in the pipeline.

I suspect this is in part because it is quite a difficult thing to square - unless they describe it as a gender journey. But at some point they might need to admit harm. Also likely the same clinicians on pre and post pathways / which might prove quite complicated.