My whole journey with transition and detransition was messy and painful, and it started when I was really young. I first felt uncomfortable with being a girl around age 11, in 2009. I didn't know what transgender was back then; I just knew I hated the idea of being a girl or a boy. I told people to call me "it" because I wanted to throw the whole concept of gender away.

Things got worse when I joined Tumblr in 2012. I was a teenager and I got exposed to a lot of trans content. I was groomed online by adult trans rights activists who convinced me that my discomfort meant I was really a man. They told me that hormones and surgery would fix my body and my life. I had a long history of mental illness, including depression, anxiety, and autism, starting from when I was just eight years old. I was also dealing with trauma. I now believe these adults manipulated me into thinking my body was all wrong and that HRT was the solution.

I started living as a man for a year, which was a requirement to get hormones. But I did it mostly in isolation, only seeing my parents, a couple friends, and my therapists. I lied my way through the required psych evaluation because these online communities coached me on what to say to get approved. Looking back, with my extensive mental health history and the fact that I'm on six different psychiatric medications, I never should have passed that evaluation. A good doctor should have seen the red flags.

I was prescribed testosterone at age 20. In New Zealand, they use a type called Reandron, which is an extended-release shot you get every three months. I was on it for about a year and a half, getting five shots in total. It cost me very little money, so I don't think my doctors were in it for financial gain. I think they were just afraid to go against the popular narrative.

Testosterone changed me. My voice dropped to a lower, androgynous range. I grew thicker body hair and some facial hair. But the biggest change was mental. It numbed me out. I didn't cry for a whole year. I lost almost all my ability to feel empathy, which was terrifying because I already struggle with that due to autism. It basically turned me into a near-psychopath. I refused therapy and became someone I didn't recognize.

I realized this wasn't right. When I decided to detransition at age 21, my endocrinologist completely abandoned me. He was the expert who should have helped me safely taper off the testosterone and get my estrogen levels back to a healthy female range. Instead, I was left alone to figure it out myself with only my general doctor to help with basic bloodwork. She’s been my doctor since I was a baby and she genuinely cares, but she isn't a hormone expert. I felt completely wronged and betrayed by a medical system that was so eager to help me transition but wanted nothing to do with me when I needed to detransition.

Coming off testosterone was hard. My energy levels crashed. My emotions came flooding back and now I cry all the time, even when I'm happy. It's been about four or five months since my last shot, and some changes have reversed. My voice has gone up in pitch a little on its own, and I've worked on speaking from my head instead of my chest. My body hair has thinned and its growth has slowed. I've had some laser hair removal. I still haven't gotten my period back, but I have PCOS, so I'm hoping it will return because I want to be healthy.

I’ve been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist regularly, and I've benefited a lot from non-affirming therapy, specifically talk therapy mixed with DBT skills. It helped me unpack the roots of my dysphoria. For me, a lot of it was about internalized misogyny and hating the societal expectations placed on women. I’m chubby, and I thought I’d be more attractive as a man because society treats chubby men better than chubby women. The adult TRAs who coached me never told me that HRT wouldn't make me a real man—it would just make me a more masculine-looking woman, which made me feel even more unlovable.

I don't believe in "preferred gender" anymore. I think it's a harmful concept that messed me up. I'm just a female human, and that's something I can't change. I have a lot of regrets about transitioning. I feel like I wasted some of the best years of my life isolated and alone. I regret the permanent changes testosterone made to my body. I regret being manipulated and not getting the proper psychological help I needed.

Now, I'm trying to find peace. I started detransitioning slowly by letting my hair grow out and wearing more feminine clothes. It felt strange and inauthentic at first, but after about six months, it started to feel more natural than identifying as trans ever did. I’m trying to accept my body as it is now. The freedom of going off hormones and accepting myself in a more natural state has been truly liberating. I was at war with my body, and now I’m finally finding a way to be at peace.