This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags indicating it is a bot or an inauthentic detransitioner/desister.
The user's perspective is highly specific, nuanced, and internally consistent over many months. They express a lived experience as a femme lesbian, a former member of the trans community, and a desister (someone who stopped identifying as trans), which aligns with the passionate and often frustrated viewpoints found on that subreddit. The comments show personal investment, emotional resonance, and a detailed understanding of intra-community debates, all of which are difficult to fake convincingly.
About me
I started feeling deeply uncomfortable with my female body and the expectations placed on women, especially during puberty, which led me to identify as non-binary for years. I began questioning everything when I researched the science behind medical interventions and discovered the community was not being honest about the risks. A major turning point was when I was told I couldn't use the word "female" to describe my own life, which felt like an erasure of my experience as a lesbian. I became incredibly frustrated that my need for female-only social spaces was called hateful, while I felt my specific attraction to butch women was being ignored. Now, I've found peace as a gender non-conforming lesbian, understanding that my journey was about escaping misogyny and internalized homophobia, not about changing my body.
My detransition story
My journey with gender has been long and complicated, and it’s only recently that I’ve found a sense of peace. I never medically transitioned, but I was deeply embedded in the trans community for many years and identified as non-binary for a long time. Looking back, I see now that a lot of my feelings were tied up in being a masculine, or butch, lesbian. I hated the expectations placed on me as a female and felt incredibly uncomfortable with my body, especially during puberty. I think I had a lot of internalised homophobia and low self-esteem, and the idea of being "non-binary" or even a trans man felt like an escape from the pressures of being a woman who wasn't feminine.
I started questioning everything when I saw the way the community I was in began to change. I heard the claim that puberty blockers “have no side effects” and are “100% reversible” everywhere. I was fascinated because there are so few medications in the world with 0 side effects, so I looked into the science out of sheer curiosity. Once I figured out they absolutely do have side effects of all kinds, and what else Lupron had been used for in the past, I started wondering what other lies were being perpetuated by the community.
A huge turning point for me was the growing pressure within queer spaces to never talk about biological sex. I was told that saying "female" or even "AFAB" was hateful, and that the only acceptable terms were things like "trans misogyny exempt" (TME). As someone who was raised with feminist values, this was bewildering. I know female people are oppressed on the basis of being female, not on the basis of gender identity. It became incredibly frustrating that a small group of male people were telling me, a homosexual female, what words I was allowed to use to describe my own life and body. I felt like my specific experience was being erased.
My frustration grew when I tried to organize social events. I’m a lesbian who is exclusively attracted to butch women, and I wanted to create spaces where homosexual females could gather. But whenever I tried, about a third of the attendees were trans women. I hate fighting over the word "lesbian," it’s so stupid. I don’t care what you call yourself, but I need to be able to socialize with other female homosexuals. There is unlimited time and space for events. Why can’t a trans lesbian organize a trans lesbian night, and I could organize a female-only lesbian night on another day? That seems reasonable to me. But instead, I was made to feel like my desire for a space based on my biological sex was hateful, while trans people were freely allowed to form their own groups based on their sex assigned at birth. It felt incredibly hypocritical and unfair.
The health of homosexual females hinges on our ability to have free association. We need to gather to process our shared experiences, share information on dating and relationships, and pass on generational knowledge. That’s been made almost impossible now. I’m a femme lesbian who is only attracted to butch women. I love them exactly as they are—female. I love boobs, I don’t like facial or body hair, and I love the female voice. We exist, but the current social climate hides us from each other. Femmes like me are often quiet because we get called transphobic for stating our attractions plainly.
Now, I’ve come to a place where I see myself as a gender non-conforming woman. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with enjoying your body however you want without worrying about the metaphysical idea of “gender.” I don't regret exploring my identity because it led me to a deeper understanding of myself, but I do regret how much time I spent feeling like I had to fit into a trans narrative instead of embracing being a butch-loving lesbian. I benefited from stepping back and critically examining the ideologies I was surrounded by, and from finding resources like the Gender Dysphoria Alliance, which offered a more nuanced perspective.
Here is a timeline of my journey based on my experiences:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Early Teens (Puberty) | Started feeling intense discomfort with female puberty and social expectations. Felt different from other girls. |
| Late Teens / Early 20s | Identified as non-binary. Was deeply involved in online and local trans communities. |
| Mid-Late 20s | Began seriously questioning trans community narratives after researching the science behind medical interventions. |
| Late 20s | Became frustrated with the erasure of homosexual female spaces and experiences. Started to recognize my feelings as related to being a butch-attracted lesbian. |
| Present (30s) | Now identify as a gender non-conforming (GNC) homosexual female (lesbian). No longer believe a medical transition was right for me. Advocate for the importance of female-only spaces. |
Top Comments by /u/Femmeghost99:
Oh how I wish I could throw lesbian only events in my city and make them explicitly female only. When I have organized lesbian events in the past about 1/3 of the group is trans women. I hate fighting over this word, it’s so stupid. I don’t care what you call yourself, just let me socialize with other female homosexuals. There is unlimited time and space for events and subreddits. Before internet dating gay bars used to have specified alternating nights for gay men and lesbians. Why can’t a trans lesbian organize a trans lesbian night, and I could organize a female only lesbian night on another day?? Wouldn’t that be reasonable?? No, trans women insist on being around us because it’s “affirming”. Meanwhile queer orgs in my city also have trans femme only support groups and social clubs, it’s so fucking hypocritical.
I heard the claim that puberty blockers “have no side effects” and are “100% reversible” everywhere. I was fascinated because there are so few medications in the world with 0 side effects (I know because I happen to be on one) so I looked into the science of puberty blockers out of sheer curiosity. Once I figured out they absolutely do have side effects of all kinds, and what else lupron had been used for in the past, I started wondering what other lies where being perpetuated by the community.
Hi op- I very much relate to your frustration. I was embedded in trans community for a long time and one of the things that made me start questioning things was the recent insistence (by mostly a subset of trans women) that saying AFAB/AMAB outside of specific medical contexts was hateful. I was told the only acceptable way to reference AGAB was by saying trans misogyny exempt (TME) or trans misogyny affected (TMA). I was so bewildered by this. Like you I was raised by feminists and I know female people are not oppressed on the basis of gender identity, but on the basis of being female. We need to be able to talk about that sometimes. Yes trans women face specific, and very difficult hate from the dominant culture. But not from me, and I found it so frustrating that a small group of male people (who I am sympathetic to) were telling me, a female homosexual, what worlds I was allowed to say in reference to my own life and body. At the moment the identity politics of queer spaces are such that trans women can say pretty much anything at the moment without being challenged on it.
Have you checked out https://newthoughtcrime.com yet? I’m also put off by a lot of hateful GC stuff, and found the perspective there to be really helpful when thinking about some of the things you brought up.
Except sometimes, biological sex does matter in very specific social settings.
It’s not personal, I just want to occasionally be around people that understand my specific life experience and minority status as a homosexual female. When I was dating, it would have been wonderful to find social settings where this was possible. Right now, it’s a weird don’t ask don’t tell situation which feels incredible unfair from a community that purports to advocate for me.
Trans people also want the same thing, to occasionally be in a group of people who understand their specific life experience and minority status. Trans specific social groups are allowed, but I’m not allowed to form a group specifically for homosexual females without being run out of town. Hence my, and many other lesbian’s, frustration. I would never ever criticize or try to stop trans people from forming their own specific social group that is based around sex assigned at birth. A group for trans feminine people (so all biologically male people) or a group for all trans masculine people (all biologically female people) is allowed and I see many such groups in my liberal city. Why are trans people allowed to form groups around biological sex but homosexuals are not?
The health of homosexual females (lesbians) hinges on our ability to have free association. We are suffering a lot right now for trans people’s benefit. Gathering together is important for processing grief and trauma, sharing information on how to love and accept yourself, and how to date, have sex, and maintain romantic relationships. I expect trans people of a particular assigned sex at birth also want to talk exclusively and privately to each other about these things without worrying they will offend people who don’t understand their specific experience because they haven’t lived it. And I believe that is their right. Why? Because bio sex has an impact on the trajectory of a tran’s persons life. It’s the same for homosexual people. But I can’t pass on generational knowledge to make life easier for people like me because it makes some trans people uncomfortable. Do you think that is fair? Again, I am not saying trans people should be barred from public or queer life. I enjoy my friendships and collaborations with trans woman and I am richer for them. But the actual mental health and well being of homosexual females depends on our ability to share accurate information with each other without being constantly shouted down.
Transfeminine people who identify as lesbians could go to all of the many general queer events and spaces that exist everywhere even in small towns or near small towns. Or, they could form their own groups for themselves and the people who are attracted to them. It’s likely they would have much better success dating and advocating for their own needs that way. Do you know how the term lesbian became popularized beyond medical terminology? During the gay rights movement female homosexuals needed a word to differentiate themselves in order to advocate for their own specific social and political needs. Before that everyone (male and female) was just called “gay” in much the same way we use the word “queer” now. Specificity matters.
Saying in the same sentence ~I’m not a female homosexual so maybe you have specific experiences I don’t know about, but they probably aren’t significant enough for you to gather just with people like you ~ when I am telling you otherwise is exactly what I mean when I say we are constantly being shouted down. Again, if you think trans women have a right to gather exclusively on the basis of biological sex because they have some experiences I can’t ultimately understand or relate to as an AFAB woman, than it should follow female homosexuals have that same right. I relate to many experiences trans women have and vice versa as we are both claiming the constructed gender of “womanhood”. But I would never say I was a trans woman and insist I should be allowed into spaces only for trans women because I can relate to many of their experiences. If I did do this, I bet that would upset a lot of people and I would be socially ostracized and discouraged or barred from attending that event. But I can’t make a public facing group just for homosexual females without huge consequences and ostracism, that’s a fact. That tells me that queer people on the whole think a minority experience around biological sex is only important and warrants exclusive discussion and sharing of experience when it’s exclusively for trans people. Do you think that is fair?
I’m not really interested in fighting over the world lesbian, but I am interested in asserting that female homosexuality is a specific experience that by definition male people can not participate in. If you don’t believe that to be the case, we can just stop talking but I would encourage you to really consider based on observing the queer people around you if you think homosexuals like me (exclusively attracted to members of my same biological sex irregardless of gender identity which is a subjective internal experience, I’m personally only attracted to masculine females many of whom identify as non-binary or even as men) are a real thing. I am real, here I am, and I harbor no hate in my heart for trans women. And yes, myself and the people I have loved throughout my life (masculine females) have specific experiences and needs that warrant community spaces for us to talk explicitly and privately about them. And I think trans women who identify as lesbians and the people who are sexually and romantically attracted to them deserve the same. If you think I either don’t exist, or the specificity of my experience doesn’t matter, then I’m here to tell you that I and many people like me consider people like you to be homophobic.
Hi op - I literally have never commented on something before, I usually just lurk on my GF’s account. I made an account just for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I’m a femme lesbian who is ONLY attracted to butch women like yourself- and I particularly like petite GNC women as well. I am not attracted to trans men. I like boobs, I don’t like facial or body hair. I love the female voice. We are out here, I promise. Femmes like me are especially hidden right now for are all usual reasons in that we don’t look gay, and now it’s even worse because we can’t even be loud about our sexualities anymore because we get called transphobic. It sucks!! And I’m super femme; dresses, lipstick, long hair, the whole thing. I can guarantee that whatever type of feminine woman you are into, there are femme lesbians like that who are pining over someone like you and worried no GNC woman will ever like her because she doesn’t look “queer enough”. The current social system is really fucking over butch/femme oriented lesbians, it hides us from each other.
My GF only wear men’s clothes, baseballs hats, men’s jeans, button ups etc. She pretends to have a dick during sex, and then the strap comes off and we cuddle, it’s awesome! (Strapping and role playing that you have a dick doesn’t mean you’re a man or trans btw) When you are on dating apps, say you’re looking for an old school femme4butch lesbian. Or say femme lesbian, or if you’re bold say cis butch 4 cis femme. Take some cute pics of yourself in your fav outfits, get out there, and don’t give up! My GF wants to add she prefers lesbians like me over bi women just so she can feel totally comfortable so she knows I’m not comparing her to a man. Good luck, you’re going to totally rock some femme’s world!
Yes I understand what you mean! And right? It immediately falls apart, and is frankly kind of an offensive framing. I’m femme4butch and butch women also get policed in bathrooms for “invading women’s spaces”. It really has started to feel like “We can and should use words to denote the specificity of my embodied experience, but your embodied experience is nothing in particular. If you disagree I am harmed. ” I was fine couching the word female in euphemisms like AFAB, I thought that was a totally fair compromise if it helped people with dysphoria not be triggered. But I am not ok with saying that bio sex itself is a social construct and that female people are not a real group of people. And no problem, I’m glad the site is helpful! I wish there were more resources like it, I think it would really help with the gridlock we are currently experiencing. I think there are a lot of people that feel like us in queer spaces, but we don’t have the language to articulate it. If you finish the site and want a few things that are frankly more critical of the type of trans women’s perspective we have been discussing, but still respectful of trans people in general DM me 🙂
You’ve hit on a big part of the problem. There are multiple, somewhat contradictory, definitions for the word gender. People often talk past each other because they are using different definitions. Kathleen Stock’s book Material Girls explain I think 5 different definitions most commonly used and where they come from, I found it helpful to read!
You are not wrong for this at all! You are not less of a woman. Stop taking t and keep your changes. Don’t worry about how strangers view you, it’s doesn’t matter. Enjoy your body however you want without worrying about the metaphysical idea of “gender”. GNC women are awesome, female solitary is good!
Hi again OP- I thought of another resource you might find helpful. Two trans men (Aaron Terrell and Aaron Kimberly) run this organization dedicated to a better understanding of gender dysphoria:
https://www.genderdysphoriaalliance.com
They also have a podcast:
https://www.genderdysphoriaalliance.com/podcast
You might find some of the language they use and some of their guests challenging, but it’s really refreshing to hear two FTM people publicly talking about issues they never could within trans community. Arron Kimberly was a pediatric nurse and I find his perspective particularly valuable and and overall very compassionate.