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The user shares detailed, personal, and emotionally charged experiences with detransitioning, including specific medical details (e.g., being on T for five years, hysterectomy, specific side effects like worsened ADHD/RSD), therapy experiences, and a consistent, evolving narrative of regret and self-discovery over several months. The language is nuanced, self-reflective, and contains the kind of passion and anger typical of someone who feels they were harmed by a medical transition.
About me
I started my transition because I was really uncomfortable with my body, especially my breasts, and people told me that feeling meant I was trans. I had top surgery first, which helped my sensory issues, but then I felt pressured to start testosterone. The hormones made my autism and ADHD symptoms much worse, causing severe emotional problems for five years. After stopping testosterone, I realized a lot of my discomfort was actually related to past trauma, not my gender. Now, I'm learning to accept myself as a woman, and while I don't regret my surgery, I deeply regret the path I took with hormones.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition started because I was really uncomfortable with my body, especially during puberty. I hated my breasts, but looking back, I think it was more of a sensory issue because I'm autistic, not necessarily because I was a man. I just didn't like how they felt. At the time, though, everyone around me, including online and some friends, said that if you felt that way, it meant you were trans and had gender dysphoria. So I started to identify as non-binary, and then later as a trans man.
I got top surgery about three years before I started testosterone. I don't regret the top surgery itself because it solved the sensory problem I had with my breasts. I just wanted a flat chest and broader shoulders, which I eventually got through working out.
But I felt a lot of pressure, especially from the community around me, to take the next step and go on testosterone. I’m autistic, and I think that made me more likely to just follow what everyone else was doing. When I started T, my doctor didn't tell me about any of the possible side effects. I was on it for five years.
Being on testosterone was really hard on me. It made my ADHD and autistic symptoms a lot worse. I became more irritable, my emotions were all over the place, and I had a lot of black-and-white thinking. My working memory got worse, and I developed really bad rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD). If I felt even slightly judged by someone, I would get completely overwhelmed and often cut them out of my life. I couldn't keep a job for more than a few months because of it, and I burned a lot of bridges. I was also more suicidal on HRT and made more suicide attempts during that time than I ever had before.
A big part of my journey was unpacking my trauma. I am a survivor of sexual assault, and a therapist I saw later asked me some important questions. She wondered if I wanted to be a man because I no longer wanted to identify with the gender I was when I was violated, or if I wanted to appear stronger to prevent it from happening again. At the time, I wasn't ready to hear that, but those questions stuck with me. Eventually, I realized that most, if not all, of my dysphoria was related to that trauma. Once I started to work through it, the feelings of dysphoria began to resolve.
I decided to stop testosterone about two weeks after my fifth year on it. I’ve been off it for a while now, and the difference is huge. My emotional regulation is so much better, and the intense RSD has calmed down. Because I had a total hysterectomy, I now take a small amount of estrogen and progesterone prescribed by my endocrinologist.
I have a lot of regrets about taking testosterone. I regret the irreversible changes it made to my body, and I regret that I wasn't given better information beforehand. I wish I had seen a non-affirming therapist first, someone who would have helped me explore if my discomfort came from something else, like trauma or societal pressure, instead of just affirming that I was trans. I think society is really harsh on women, and the media makes us feel like we're never enough, and that played a role in my decision.
I don't regret my top surgery, but I deeply regret the path I took with hormones. I'm now trying to just be myself, a woman, and become comfortable in my own skin. I'm focusing on the things I can change and trying to accept the things I can't.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Around 18 | Started identifying as non-binary, then as a trans man due to discomfort with breasts and societal pressure. |
| 21 | Had top surgery. Felt it resolved sensory issues with breasts. |
| 24 | Started testosterone (T). Was not informed of potential side effects. |
| 29 | Stopped testosterone after 5 years due to severe mental health side effects. |
| 29 | Began taking estrogen and progesterone due to prior total hysterectomy. |
Top Comments by /u/Fizz_sucks:
As a survivor of sexual assualt, I like that my therapist asked questions such as, "do you want to be a man because you no longer want to identify with the sex you were violated in?" "so you want to appear stronger to prevent it from happening again"?
I wasn't ready for those questions at the time, primarily because we didn't explore gender enough by those points but I remembered them and they helped me now.
T worsened my Adhd and autstic symptoms. I was on t for five years and it made me more irritable, less able to regulate my emotions, more rigid and black-and-white thinking, I interrupted people more, and my working memory was worse. And then a month off of t, and it's soo much better.
When I was in college I heard these claims and some people even cited some websites that sounded fake. I never checked it out. But anything is a possibility. Mind you I was more suicidal on HRT than not. Made more attempts during that period. I would love to see those sources and learn how credible they are and if it's all confirmation bias or not.
Cw mention of SA
My former therapist would argue yes.
She thinks I transitioned in part because I wanted to be the stronger of the two genders to not relate to the gender I was of having been abused. Don't know if that makes any sense. It's morning here.
I mean I don't think she's wrong🤷🏽
I would get a therapist first who is non-affirming before taking or doing anything that will have a permanent irreversible impact.
Your discomfort may stem from something else. Society is harsh on us, and according to the media, we are never enough.
T gave me wicked RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). If anyone judged me, disapproved of me, or anything like it in the slightest I would get ridiculously overwhelmed and often cut contact. I was on t for five and a half years before I figured it out. I was not able to hold steady employment for longer than four months. I lost so much income over this. Not to mention all the bridges I burned.
I get that this is a safety thing for you. The truth of the matter is you cannot do anything to change it. What you can change other than what others have mentioned is your confidence as a woman. If you breathe into that you will be perceived more as a woman than if you didn't. Sure physical changes matter, but if you cannot play the part who is going to believe the performance?
Basically, drop trying to change things you cannot change and you will have more time and energy to focus on being comfortable in your skin and making changes to your physical self-presentation that are in your control.
I get I am using some problematic language but I have no other way of explaining it. It's tacky, but be yourself.
I wish you the best, and when I saw your photo without looking at the subreddit, name, or flair I saw a woman. You can do this.
For me, my dysphoria was trauma related. Once I unwrapped that it became clear most if not all my dysphoria was resolvable. Is this potentially the case for you? If so you may be able to do something about it. I wish you peace in your head and heart. Please breathe and feel it through.
I have a lot of regrets. I probably always will. I hate some things I did, and I hate the person I was at one point. There are mistakes I can't undo, Things I wish i did, words that can't be unsaid, and apologies that will never be heard. Part of me wishes I could forget everything. All the trans shit obviously, but the other bad things too. But I probably shouldn't try to forget things. Everything good and everything bad played a role in where I am today.
I just wanted you to know I read it all and relate to it all fiercely. Especially the part quoted above.
I was on t for 5 years and now am off of it for two weeks. It was messing with my head. I had a total hysterectomy so I am taking a little bit of estrogen and progesterone from my endo.
My program starts in september.
And yeah, you are right about the butch thing with my coworkers. I just wonder about my employers.