I am 42 and started transitioning (ftm) 3 years back. (The whole trans thing is in my opinion about 10 years lacking behind where I live compared to the US and is just now taking up amongst teens.) I have never felt that I missed out on anything by not having been able to transition earlier in life. In fact it absolutely boggles my mind that people (teens and twens) take these decisions that are so incredibly life changing. Obviously a lot has changed suring the past two decades. I am not judging any of them and often I admire "young people's" bravery and boldness. However the same thing as OP concerns me: in hindsight, once you are older and more mature, you can only realize how fucking much one has changes over the years. And especially during those adolescent years. I have barely anything in common anymore with that person I once was. So much of my world view, my perception of myself, everything has changes so dramatically. I don't want to say that it is not or should not be possible to make a transition decision that early in life. But the severity of the consequences, I am sometimes not sure if they can really be foreseen. It's about as dramatic as deciding to have kids with 17, 22 whatever. And again: this isnt necessarily a "bad thing". But no way in the world do I think that the absolute confidence I often encounter when I read how young trans people express their decision making is in any way appropriate. Yes you have to and you should take leaps in life it you think that's what you want. Definitely be daring even at young ages. But claiming to know that this is the one and only right thing to do, something they feel absolutely necessary to do and being convinced that they will never change their mind on it seems ludicrous from my perception of "older and wiser". I don't like that old people's talk about "you'll gonna regret it one day". That's not what I mean. But I see a conflict: at least the possibility that it might mot be the right thing, too early, a too extreme of a measure - at least a doubt or critical thinking of their own views at this very moment would be something I'd advise them to have for their own sake. Just so they wont be surprises later on because if old people can tell one thing then yea, it is definitely that things change - a LOT - by aging.

Hey, it's already the right questions. The answers are actually not that important. By having the questions in your head you are acknowledging that something "went wrong". Now you are mad and angry (mainly on yourself probably but also with the ones you think have failed you) for making these mistakes. I don't know how old you are - usually with aging people realize more that mistakes are the defining part of life generally and every mistake gets you closer to who you are and want to be. So all your questions are super important to have in mind in the future. The anger however is just a cover up for your sadness. Our brains and egos hate being sad and do everything they can to avoid this feeling of loneliness and smallness. Of having done smth "wrong". Anger is an active emotion and it's much easier to indulge in and it gives your brain a pleasant hit. So my advice is to focus on your sadness as often you can and grief the person and the identity that you have let go by your realizations and by making the decision (to detransition). Be gentle with this person you were that despised their femininity (for whatever reasons) and have compassion for their decisions (mistakes only in hindsight!!) in the past. Indulge in the sorrow instead of the anger. It softens the heart and makes space for the relief about how things are now (better) after your realizations and makes space for your future without grudge.

I apologize for sounding esoteric, there's not much to do about that. Our resistance for a self compassionate approach only reflects the way we want to treat ourselves unfortunately. And most of us treat ourselves much harder than we should.

Another advice: the loving friends and family of course. Ask them for advice how to forgive the past.

Some tiny piece of news that gives some hope it might change one day: A public swimming pool in a city in Germany has launched a test for topless swimming for women and trans people with breasts on weekends.

https://amp.dw.com/en/german-city-of-göttingens-pools-to-allow-topless-weekend-swimming/a-61627478

same. I am bit older so I guess that plays a role because your body basically moves in a sort of menopause which often means a lot of trouble with UTI. Antibiotics often don't help and in fact get you in a vicious circle of UTI, yeast infection and vaginal bacterial infection. What has helped me a lot is estradiol creme topically plus lactic acid supplements.

I don't think it is about not wanting to be normal. I think it has become more and more obvious to young people over the last decades that the cis heteronormative standard society has too many stereotypes, norms and rules to offer. It is so hard to escape the pink blue trap. Especially in religious countries like the US where there is almost no way to be anything but gender conforming. So people actually decide to be what is nowadays called queer. Not because cis heteronormativity is "demonized" but because it is truly forcing human beings into a system that limits their self expression.

I think "born this way" is over. I think cis het society should take an honest look on what they have created what is so terrifying. No one is luring anyone into smth. No one is demonizing anything. It is what it is and lot's of young people are done with this shit.

I am basically doing this and I don't feel I am living a lie. I am not very comfortable with being stealth in my personal closer relationships though. That causes distress to me, so I usually let people know as soon as possible when we get closer. I do not see why I need to "believe" in transness to be allowed to live my life in a way that makes me more confident.

Apart from this: I wish the people who think this sub was transphobic would come to read the answers in this thread. (I mean, probably I am naive and they'd still find it transphobic.) I really appreciate this sub so much and the compassionate level headedness I only find here. ❤️

I am similar. I just leave it to other people to label and approach me. I have documents that do not match my appearance. I go by a new name (would not have minded to stick to the old one but it's so gendered it's confusing people so much.) If pressured, I say I am trans because it is the easiest explanation (and probably somewhat true). I go by my life as me and don't tell people about my identity or pronouns or sexuality and just let them make their own conclusions.

I am aware it makes everything even more fantasy in a way. I feel I am detrans in thinking but still decided I like the trans life better. I don't think that trans does not exist at all. At least I am not convinced of it. I just don't think I am convinced enough to claim that I am trans.

I feel like an agnostic in a world of atheists and believers in god.

I would call myself a woman on testosterone who likes to be perceived as a guy for unknown reasons. Who cares? I don't.

What I am trying to tell you: so much does not make sense. Neither trans rules nor heteronormativity. Most of all the gender expressions out there are made up bullshit in either direction. Sure, many people would call me or you idiots in our heads for wanting something so weird. But if I look at the weirdness of what people want... I don't really think what I want is topping the scale.

I live in a place where neither I am harmed by what I am doing, nor am I harming anyone else.

Hey you, I hope you are aware how great and mature and self-reflective it is of you to have understood that what would be the easy way out for you is not the right path. I assume your brain has not acknowledged this yet, so I am telling you how amazing this is and how proud you should feel about it. Realizing and identifying your own problem is already half the way to the solution.

Hi. Just skimmed over some of your posts. I can relate I think. Feel free to DM me if you like.

Your question:

It heavily depends on the circumstances. Generally speaking I do not pass easily as a woman anymore. However: Shaving and letting the boobs be visible usually does the job. Have never changed my ID nor had surgery so when in doubt (like for example at passport controls or in a public bathroom) I can easily give "proof" which gives me the confidence to really not care at all or be scared of any situations.

I switch between male and female as much as I feel like. For example: going to the gym or yoga class? female. going to the barber? male. doing my every day life in Berlin? male. visiting my parents in the countryside where i grew up? female. traveling inside the EU? male. traveling outside the EU? female. dentist? male. gynecologist? trans male.

I am either read as cis male or as extremely gnc cis female (probably lesbian) from the outside. on a personal level all my friends and family and colleagues know and I mostly go by he/him - not because it's important it is more what feels more natural to most.

I think if I tried to be female all the time, I'd be annoyed more often. It's not that anything really bad happens, just the usual when you're a gnc woman.

I must say though that I live in an extremely liberal city and I really don't know if I could keep up with this in between life anywhere else.

Powerful statement. I can relate. I am in this group because I consider myself a mental detransitioner. I don't believe I am trans and I often doubt trans exists or at least think it is a mental disorder. And I still decided for myself that I still want to transition and live my trans life. I can, I am neither harming myself or anyone else. It's my own business.

I really think it is a good analogy. Anorexia can destroy your life and make you regretful and dependent on other's opinion etc. However with the right dosage, it can also make you much happier in a lot of ways. In your body and how you perceive yourself.

Thanks for the thought.