The kindest way I can phrase it is that there is a full blown infestation in spaces and groups meant for actual lesbians. It's driven most actual lesbians out because we got tired of being told to accept their "girldicks" and getting harassed for refusing to play along with their glorified roleplays. Gay men also have to deal with some similar issues from tr@ns and n0nbinary identified females, even if it's to a much lesser degree.

To answer the question of why they don't just stick to the plethora of tr@ns spaces instead of forcing themselves where they're not meant to be: that doesn't give them the precious validation, power and euphoria they so desperately crave. They need to be acknowledged and accepted as what they desire to be by the real deal, even if it's by force.

Looking through your history, I'd heavily recommend against continuing T. Messing with your hormones when you're already that psychologically unstable is a very bad idea, especially since testosterone itself can lead to mania and psychosis. Please, for the sake of your health and mental wellbeing, work with your doctor to wean and remain off of it.

You're not likely to find an actual lesbian space that's neutral on trans ideology. Either it's pro-trans and heavily populated by males and/or "girldick" pushing, or anti-trans and made up of actual females. Sadly, spaces that fall under the latter description are often brigaded against and taken down for being "bigoted" or "transphobic", or are forcefully taken over by angry entitled members of the former. Your best bet for a lesbian space is going to be one that's at least partially conservative, at least when it comes to matters of gender. Most larger public previously-lesbian spaces that could've been suggested have been absorbed by the trans movement, so try looking for smaller private spaces and groups online (or irl if you're lucky enough). Most actual lesbian groups nowadays tend to be extremely private and try to fly under the radar so they don't get banned or doxxed/threatened.

I personally don't see anything wrong with lurking here as long as there is no malicious intent and you lurk simply to genuinely listen to the experiences of detransitioners. However, I would also personally prefer that trans-identifying individuals (especially if they're not questioning) refrain from giving input or advice here. This sentiment is also reflected in the sub's rules. There are countless spaces available for trans voices, but only a precious few detrans-exclusive spaces available for detransitioners to vent, discuss, and support each other.

Honestly, I highly suggest going off of testosterone for your own wellbeing. There are many ways to achieve aesthetics that don't involve medicalizing yourself. Given your past post history detailing your severe alcoholism and schizophrenia, messing around with your body's natural systems isn't a good idea and is very likely contributing to your issues.

I'm also skeptical about the gender dysphoria diagnosis, and you should be too. Schizophrenia often causes prolonged periods of delusions and dysphoria, and your alcoholism only makes them more likely and more intense. Any actual ethical psychiatrist worth their degree would have worked to treat your schizophrenia and correct your alcoholism before even approaching the possibility of diagnosing and medically treating gender dysphoria.

You're likely correct. There are plenty of chronically-online brain-rotted ideologists who have set up notifications for posts on this sub, both to downvote and to share around the "transphobia" and "hateful lies" to their various hugbox subs/servers/chats/etc. They do it for pretty much every publicly-known online space that's even slightly critical of them or their beliefs. I'm still lurking in quite a few radical spaces (it's morbidly interesting to watch now), and it's just something they do. It makes them feel better and lets them get a nice hit of that Persecuted Victim Narrative that they crave.

Your story is unfortunately a common one. Those false promises are what keep the pipeline running, so don't feel stupid for believing them -- feel hopeful that you've figured out the truth for yourself. Now you have control over who you are, and you get to decide your own future.

You are not a "disgusting in-between thing," you are a wholly wonderful human who just can't see herself clearly at the moment. Women come in all shapes and sizes with an endless spectrum of different features. You just have to learn to really recognize yours, and then experiment with styles and fashion to find out what best suits them in the way you want. You can be masculine, feminine and everything outside and between -- you just have to find what makes you comfortable and confident.

I know you don't have the best self-image right now, so start by just looking at yourself in the mirror and finding things to compliment instead of criticize. If you were a kind stranger, would you judge your appearance so harshly? Or would you be more likely to recognize the unique beauty of it?

Why would you show yourself less love and appreciation than a stranger would? You shouldn't. You are worth love. You are worth appreciation. And with a bit of time and self-work, you will find it. Take a deep breath and remember that your past doesn't have to determine your future, and that future can still be whatever you want it to be.

I know it feels hopeless and horrible and meaningless and enraging, but your life doesn't have to be over. You can reclaim this body and this life as yours and yours alone. You can decide to live life to the fullest. If you feel like you have nothing to live for in the beginning, live purely to spite the ones who scarred you by surviving and exposing their danger. I know it seems cliche but I assure you it can work wonders.

I let my contempt be my motivation when I had none. I went to actual therapy for my transition trauma and unaddressed childhood trauma, got a chest piece that works to cover my scars and give a softer shape, and dove back into several hobbies and interests that I had abandoned in favor of the gender obsession. My mental health vastly improved, my self-confidence eventually recovered, and I was able to find new friends who share common interests. I still have bad days, but there are so many good ones now too.

Yes, the people who participated in your transition have caused you immense harm and hurt. But you shouldn't let that decide your fate. Take your power back and live. Do it for yourself and the person you can become.

But you already have made it a day as a boy. Judging by the age you put in other posts, you've made it 15 or 16 years worth of days as a boy and are still going strong. You're very young, still developing, and seemingly confused about what being a boy or girl actually means. You don't have to try to be a boy, you just are one. You can dress, act, and present as feminine as you like and you will still be a male. No amount of hormones or surgery or "passing" will change that. But that's not something to be sad about. A male will always be a male, yes, but he can also be whatever kind of male he wants to be. No matter what interests and fashion and personality and sexuality he has, he will still be perfectly normal and valid. You may not believe me, but you will be much happier if you stop obsessing over your desire to "be a cis girl" because that desire is physically impossible and causing you obvious distress. The "trans movement" is causing you harm, so just remove yourself from its influence and simply exist as yourself. You can be as feminine as you like and absolutely rock it, but please stop torturing yourself by aiming for unattainable goals. It's tough and it definitely sucks at first, but I can't even begin to describe the freedom and self-confidence you'll gain.

That being said, please don't wallow in misguided despair wishing harm upon yourself when you could be making the most of your teens and living your best truly-authentic life. There's so much more to this life than gender, and it's absolutely worth living to experience as much of it as you possibly can. As someone who's now very glad their own suicide attempts failed, I sincerely hope you find your way out of these dark thoughts and into a brighter future filled with joy.

I'll be completely honest with you, that appointment is a bad idea. Messing up your body's natural chemistry with testosterone isn't going to make your underlying issues disappear, it will only be an unhealthy bandaid for your problems. You already exist as a woman and therefore have no ability to be a man or "feel like" one, so my advice would be to just exist as yourself without trying to fit into an imaginary stereotypical box. When you say you "feel like a man", it's just you feeling that you don't fit your idea of what woman is supposed to be. But here's the awesome truth: there's not a set way for a woman to exist. Women exist in countless different ways. We are a beautifully varied spectrum of features, aesthetics, personalities, and interests.

Instead of resorting to hormones that will end up causing you more problems, do some deep introspection and then work with what you discover. What things about yourself do you consider "manly" and why do you feel those are not allowed to be attributed to womanhood? Why are you so self conscious about being seen as an androgynous woman? Why do you dislike certain physical features about yourself? Why are you letting shallow perceptions of fleeting strangers decide how you feel about yourself and how you live your life?

Stop focusing on how others might see you and just work on becoming comfortable with yourself as you are. I promise that investing the time and effort to truly accept yourself will be infinitely better for you in the long run than pursuing a life of pretending and medicalization.