This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The writing is highly personal, nuanced, and emotionally complex, detailing a specific and evolving journey from identifying as FTM to genderqueer to exploring butch lesbian identity. The user expresses internal conflict, confusion, and a process of self-reflection that is consistent with genuine detransition/desistance experiences. The passion and frustration present are appropriate for the topic.
About me
I started as a teenager who felt deeply uncomfortable being female and hated the changes of puberty. I tried for years to be seen as a man by changing everything about my appearance, but I could never control how others perceived me. I finally realized my struggle was tied to internalized homophobia, and discovering butch lesbian culture showed me I could be a masculine woman. I'm grateful I never medically transitioned, as it gave me time to figure things out. Letting go of that need to transition has been scary, but it has finally brought me a peace I never had before.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was a teenager, feeling deeply uncomfortable with my body and the expectations placed on me as a female. I never felt like I fit in with other girls and I hated the changes that came with puberty, especially developing breasts. For a long time, I thought the only way to feel better was to become a man. I identified as FTM and then later as genderqueer, because being seen as a man felt like the ultimate goal, the only way to be my true self.
I tried everything to pass as male. I bound my chest, wore men's clothes, and tried to change my voice and mannerisms. But no matter what I did, I was always seen as a woman. This was incredibly frustrating and made me feel like a failure. The online trans communities I was in told me that if I just tried hard enough, I could control how others perceived me. But that wasn't true. I realized I have no control over how other people see me, and that realization was actually a huge relief. It freed me from a constant, exhausting performance.
A major turning point was confronting my own internalized homophobia. I had mostly dated men, but I was always attracted to women too. I was taught that "gender and sexuality aren't related whatsoever," but I now think that's completely wrong. When I finally started exploring lesbian culture, especially learning about butch lesbians, something clicked. I saw that it was possible to be a masculine woman, to love women, and to have that be a valid and rich identity. I didn't need to change my body to be that person.
I never took hormones or had any surgeries. The chance to start testosterone was taken from me, and now I am so grateful for that. It gave me the time to figure things out without making permanent changes I might have regretted. I don't regret my social transition because it was a necessary part of my journey to understanding myself, but I am glad I didn't go further medically.
I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and a very low self-esteem for most of my life. I've never had a strong sense of my own identity, and there were times I didn't even feel human. I now see that my desire to transition was a form of escapism, a way to run from my problems and from the discomfort of being a masculine woman in a world that often doesn't understand that. Letting go of the need to transition has been scary, but it has also brought me a sense of peace I never had before.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Teenage Years | Started feeling intense discomfort with puberty and being female. Hated developing breasts. |
| Early 20s | Identified as FTM and attempted to socially transition by binding, wearing men's clothes, and changing my mannerisms. |
| 24 | Realized I could not control how others perceived me and stopped identifying as FTM, instead using the label genderqueer. |
| 25 (Winter) | Constant misgendering at work led to a crisis and the realization that demanding others see me as a man was futile. |
| 26 (2020) | Began to explore my attraction to women and lesbian culture, confronting internalized homophobia. Realized I could be a masculine woman without needing to transition. |
Top Comments by /u/GenderqueerCrow:
I agree, I think some of them mean well. I think some of them are just parroting what they've heard to validate themselves, though. That's irresponsible. That's harming others besides me.
I don't want to be angry. I'm trying to process it so that I can stop feeling angry and helpless all the time. I'm not really sure who or what I am, I guess. That's what makes me so vulnerable. I've never had a good sense of my identity, and there were periods of my life where I didn't even feel human, even though I knew logically that couldn't be right.
Wow wait, I just hit on something...because I'm still human even if I don't feel like one...
Anyway, thanks, I appreciate your comment.
"Male privilege" isn't saying that men have it easy, it's saying that men don't know what it's like to be women and are therefore ignorant of women's struggles, even if they like women and support women's rights. Nobody has it easy, except perhaps the most elite members of society.
I don't think that's really where my thoughts are emphasized. I've not really been into the trans crowd for a few years. I can see how I made it come off that way in my post, but I was just trying to illustrated why I felt duped. Identifying as a lesbian is completely new and terrifying territory to me. I'm also just confused in general, I don't really know why I'm so distressed or what I'm feeling. Liking women shouldn't really change my gender identity as much as it's doing. I assumed I was just in a period of evolution.
I'm deeply concerned about "getting in better shape can change one's face shape"?? I don't want to bring weight or body size or fitness effort into this.
Meh, I agree with you 100% about everyone having gender-nonconforming traits, but that's the exact line they fed me in the trans community that caused me to join their ranks. "Men can wear makeup, enjoy florals/pastels, and be gentle, therefore you can be a feminine FTM! You don't have to like sports or want a lumberjack beard!"
The important thing was that you "felt" like a man. I don't know what other people think that means, because they always speak in stereotypes anyway. I could never describe to others what that meant to me (and still can't) because it's a feeling I can't put into words. I still have it, but it doesn't feel like a life-or-death situation in which I MUST transition; I actually really like my body a lot, and am glad the chance to start T was taken from me so that I had time to get to this point.
Being a masculine woman wasn't enough for me, and now I think that's because it didn't validate that I had gender dysphoria (or what I think is dysphoria). It felt like a cop-out. However, I was also not really aware of how vast and rich lgb gender expression is, seeing as I had mostly dated men and never dove deep into the lgbt community, and was comparing myself to straight people. Almost all of my female friends also grew up to be l, b, or t, but they'd not been hardcore into the community either.
When I realized I had to face my own internalized homophobia and dove into lesbian culture (the best I could during a pandemic lockdown), something clicked, particularly when I read up on butch lesbians wanting to "perform" masculinity for other women. I'm sure that realization was ALSO delayed by what they taught me, that "gender and sexuality aren't related whatsoever." I used to parrot that and now I think it's total bs.
tl;dr I agree with you, but so do trans activists who can twist it up in order to recruit people :/
And no way am I laughing at you, people are human and we have many variations. Thank you for starting this conversation. I hope what I wrote made sense.
Sorry, I know this post is about a week old now, but I made an account just to say how relatable this is. I've had many of those same exact thoughts. That realization that "I can't erase my upbringing as a female" (as you said) and that as male-passing, I'd be expected to have been socialized by a male upbringing...that was the first seed that was planted in my mind years ago until today, when I'm questioning if any of this is even worth the struggle. From that point I stopped identifying as FTM and became genderqueer, even though being regarded as a man was still the dream.
For years I've struggled with the fact that, with medical transition unavailable to me, no amount of men's clothes, no haircut, no voice training is going to help me pass as anything other than "woman," and I wondered if T would even help with that if I COULD get it, because I'm apparently so feminine-appearing that even while binding and wearing men's clothes and changing how I carry myself I'm clocked as female 100% of the time.
It came to a head some time last winter, where I was constantly getting misgendered by co-workers who didn't even get it when I said "I'm not a woman," and it hit me that trans activists place so much emphasis on demanding that other people see you how you want to be seen. They tell you that you can control how others perceive you if you just do everything the right way. I did everything I was told and it didn't work...because you CAN'T actually control people. I have no control over how others perceive me, and if they don't see me as the same person I feel I am in my head, it's not my fault. If they don't believe trans or genderqueer people exist, it's not my fault and it's not my job to educate them, because I'll probably never change their minds. I can ask for support, but I can't, in good faith, DEMAND that they refer to me as something they don't even see. I have no desire to intimidate or terrorize people and I enjoy genuine connections.
My point I'm trying to make is that when I let go of trying to control others and accepted reality, I felt freer. I still get very uncomfortable that people view me as a cis woman, though, so I'm still not sure what to do yet.