I don’t believe it’s a good idea in any regard, for anyone to do that, speaking from my own personal experience, I was in my early 20’s when I was mutilated, I had requested it because of complex childhood trauma that was never addressed, I mean if I could jump in a time Machine and go back I would, but the damage is done, so I just have to go from where I am today, and if that means having reconstructive surgery to fix what I and the system did, then that’s what will happen, you know, before I even started transitioning, everyone was telling me why I was doing it, like they understood it before I did, and I didn’t listen, or maybe I didn’t comprehend it, I think what I did to myself was just how I dealt with the trauma in my life, like getting to be someone else, like taking the easy way out without actually ending everything, and that’s how I justified it to myself, I would say if I don’t do this, then what else am I going to do, how else can I go on as the guy who was sexually abused as a child, the guy who was psychologically abused and emasculated by his ex fiancee when he was a teenager, that’s the thing, it’s coming to terms with those feelings, understanding that it wasn’t your fault, that you were fine the way you were, it was others who wanted to see a change in you because you didn’t fit into their lives the way they wanted you to. If I was in the right headspace before and dealt with the things in my life the right way, I would have been fine, and continued to be fine, it was a form of self harm, that’s all it is.

Well, just before I did it, everything was telling me not to, it’s hard to describe, almost like I was on autopilot, “If I do this I won’t be myself anymore” and if I didn’t do it, what would I do? I just wasn’t ready to deal with my issues, so I dealt with things in a self destructive way, I’ve done that most of my life until last November, anyway yeah the only surgery I got was lower mutilation years ago, it was very surreal and traumatic for me, I woke up half way through surgery and felt everything they were doing, it was excruciating, I remember telling them to stop cutting, but they didn’t, and I was squeezing the anesthesiologists hand crying, it was horrific.

So it was existent before, I didn’t have any issues in that department, but because of the trauma I had as a child and in my teenage years I felt like I had to be somebody else to get away, because the only person who I loved and was going to get married to, decided I wasn’t the one anymore, she cheated while I was away, and when I got back she was just cold and annoyed with every little thing I did, her parents were kind of iffy on me too, thought that she should find someone a bit closer, and we were teenagers, highschool sweethearts, so when I lost her it honestly was the last straw, destroyed me as a person. The childhood trauma contributed because at times I was uncomfortable around any other male figure, and that affected the relationship I had with her family too. I know that im partially to blame for the failed relationship, I don’t know, if I could fix it I would, there hasn’t been anyone else since her, that was in 2013 I last saw her, I really truly loved her, wholeheartedly, I wish I could go get her back, but she moved on after we broke up, and eventually got married and had kids with this guy who is in his 40’s with the same first name as me lol. even after all that I would still have her again, but it I’m missing parts now, the things I did to myself because of self hatred, and being used as a child, slowly I’ve been going back to the guy I was, But still missing parts.

Well for starters, I don’t hate you, hate is a strong word, there is a thing that a lot of people might not understand about the trans cis non binary thing, is that even though you might not realize it people have an ego about stuff, one of the main things to feel like you’re at peace is to not have an ego about anything, don’t care what anyone thinks, because at the end of the day we’re all around for a very short time, life isn’t forever, I don’t think the trans label is honestly a real or valid thing, you’re you, you’re female. I’m male, I’m lacking parts because I didn’t know how to deal with things in the proper way, it just is what it is, and sex isn’t everything I’ve realized, that two people can love one another without sex. Anyway sorry I know I was rambling, but no I honestly wouldn’t worry what others think, you are female, you’re valid, you’re important, you have every right to exist just like anyone else And anyone who says different just has an ego.

Things will work out, friend. I know things seem probably pretty bleak at the moment, but it was never you, you were never the problem, I know first hand how it feels on the other side, it’s like a comfort, a blanket, you don’t have to be the person you were, whatever brought you to that point of wanting to change yourself, is what should be focused on, really think about it, was it others making you feel like you couldn’t be yourself? People who’ve hurt you because of their inability to care the right way, or just show any kind of respect to you when you did all you could? It’s something I’ve noticed, a lot of detransitioners, if not all, are good people who have been hurt and scarred and saw a way out, I did it too, I wanted it so bad I hurt myself in the process, irreversibly. Not because of me, but because of the abuse, the things I was put through, they became too much for me. And I think reading what you’ve been through, and are still going through, I understand it.

I get what you’re saying, but genetically you’re female so I don’t think it’s an issue to find someone who sees you for you, a bonafide woman, I’m personally straight, and mtf to M, I just don’t think it really matters, like as long as someone is attracted to eachother and like eachother then I don’t see an issue, our bodies as people really just show what we’ve been through, it tells a story, it’s not for anyone else to judge anyone on, I can tell you, since before i tried changing myself (due to psychological trauma) and losing my ex fiancée, she was the only one for me, that was in 2013 when we said our goodbyes to eachother, but I haven’t moved on since, I would like to try to maybe find love one day again too, even though I’m a little worse for wear (missing parts) sex isn’t everything, I guess what I’m trying to say is that it really doesn’t matter, you’re straight so you’d want straight men, that’s pretty normal, why do you say you look so much like a dude? It could just be your own perception of yourself, not how others are perceiving you, we are our own worst critics after all.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is any way to reduce it without surgery, I could be wrong though, I’m a genetic male, and something I noticed when I was on estrogen was that any arousal was difficult, I believe that’s because whatever hormones we had at birth were replaced with cross sex hormones, so that has an effect on arousal, but it might take awhile for your body to bounce back, when was the last time you had your hormone levels checked? Hormones play a big part on male and female sexual arousal, so I would start there with getting things checked out in that regard, maybe your estrogen or other hormones are low, I’m not sure how to ask, but is menstruation still happening? Is that regular? Because that will also signal that something isn’t right in the hormone department.

Congrats on the soul searching you’ve been doing, it’s not easy, but it sounds like you’re figuring it out, just remember it’s not a race, take your time, be kind to yourself. I think whenever you’re ready, just tell her you’re unsure of who you are, start from there, and start exploring what feels right, try little things, and remember, who you are and what you look like are two different things, think of who you are as a person, not male, not female, just you. But yeah, explore your feelings about stuff.

It’s never too late to find yourself. And there’s nothing more powerful than being your most authentic self, it doesn’t matter what others might think, it only matters how you feel, your happiness matters, finding real happiness is difficult, maybe try separating yourself from those feelings, because you aren’t those things you’re feeling, explore how you feel, I know what you mean, feeling like you were born to be lonely, like there was no one else out there for you, and you know, I feel partially the same way, but maybe who else is out there doesn’t really matter, I’m devoting my life to the pursuit of happiness, at the end of the day, being happy is all that matters, so take your time, explore things, think about things that do make you happy, and I don’t know if you’d want to, but maybe you want to show a pic of yourself on r/detrans, you might be surprised that you don’t look as bad as you think you do, we are our own greatest critics after all

It’s really just about being your truest self, I personally used transitioning to hide from the past, but we only have one life and I decided I don’t want to spend it hiding as someone else to alleviate my trauma, I’m now devoting my life to the pursuit of happiness, nothing else really matters as long as I’m happy.